I am in just this position. I was semi-estranged from DD for 3 years and I believe that this is down to SIL, who is very controlling, or at least that's how it seems to me.
DD ghosted us for 6 months, then said they would just update us by email, although she still sent birthday cards - which were odd and stilted. Then we sort of insisted on meeting as we were in their part of the world (300 miles away from where we live). They told us they had married the previous year. We managed to smile and say congratulations.
Then DD tells me she is pregnant, so I am thrilled. Then they ask us for a £10k loan. A few weeks later, we receive a letter in the post with some photos of an existing granddaughter, aged 14 months, whom we didn't know about. The letter says that they had wanted to protect DGD from bad relationships but, as we had given them financial support, and said we would support DD doing her PGCE, they had decided to try and improve family relationships.
DGD2 was born on Christmas Eve after a difficult birth. We are not allowed to visit until March. I am very anxious about the visit. DD is sending photos and updates, but I worry about her motives. Also, it is affecting my relationships with my other two DDs, who are supportive, but feel that DD1 is emotionally and financially abusive.
Honestly, I am wondering at present if it's worth it. It is so upsetting. DH says compartmentalise but I just can't. It's making me feel quite ill to be honest. I was unwise enough to send a message to DD1 asking again why she had ghosted us, moved without telling her of the new address, and expressing concern that their letter says that they were telling us about the DGDs because we had given money and promised more. That I wasn't being controversial but didn't want to be hurt.
DD, I assume assisted by SIL, sent a really nasty response, saying I had warped thinking and treated them as evil and villains, regarded my self as a victim and was melodramatic, that the money was a big deal, that she had told me 'ad nauseam' why she had estranged, they were allowing us to visit their home, and giving the money was the only positive thing we had ever done for them.
I told DDs 2 and 3 that I wouldn't reply, but then I did, and was conciliatory, so DD2 has lost respect for me I think. And she has been so protective and loving.
Sorry, not trying to derail the thread, but just saying that I understand and that I am not at all that this situation is better than estrangement. The trust has gone and the scars will always be there. Sometimes, I think I should just walk away and cut my losses.