What else can I do for my daughter to want me in her life

I would like to say that I did not, ever, say who my daughter should or should not invite. It was not my place. I was upset that my daughter was banned because I knew she was only trying to stand up for me about my daughter treatment of me. I understood it was her day. I did look after the children, 2 at the time of the wedding, all day for her whilst she worked. She stopped work after the wedding and had a third child who I never got to see until we reconciled. He was 3 by then. I do feel sad that I missed out and I do feel guilty that I should of tried even harder to reconcile, but its like baking my head against a brick wall. I would love a relationship back with my daughter but would accept just seeing my grandchildren on a regular basis. I can see the children as she knows how much I love them but just doesn't seem interested in any sort of relationship with me other than when I can babysit for her. This was always overnight and at my house.

Thanks for coming back in and responding to our posts, Panda. You sound like a very loving, reasonable wife, mum and GM.

I'm sorry your GC are so unruly, and I'm surprised ODD and SIL aren't more concerned about that. If you don't feel comfortable bringing them to your home, then I suppose you'll have to take them out but, again, perhaps cut back on how often. If they are too hard to handle, you might have to let ODD know you can't deal w/ them anymore. But then, you may not get much chance to see them, I'm afraid. Only you can know what will work best for you.

I'm a little confused on one point, however. In your OP you said, "After trying to reason with her as she and her husband to be banned my other daughter from the wedding..."

But now you tell us, "I would like to say I absolutely didn't pick sides, I did say that I understood her reasons and it was her big day. "

I'm not sure how those two statements go together. In the first one, it sounds as if you tried to convince ODD to include YDD after all. In the second, it sounds as if you respected ODD's decision. Perhaps you did both? Gave her reasons why she should include YDD but listened to and accepted her (ODD's) reasons why she wouldn't? I totally understand that. But if ODD has always been "her way or no way," chances are she didn't. Chances are, she felt that while you accepted her decision in the end, you were really fighting for YDD. I'm so sorry about this. But I'm sure that - and the fact that you showed up at her wedding even though she basically asked you not to (sigh) - are at the bottom of this rift.

Also, maybe you and DH have done "far too much" and now, ODD just expects it? No doubt, you did it all out of love, though, for her and your GC. Perhaps it's time to stop doing so much. I don't think totally pulling the rug out from under her (refusing to babysit, period) would be productive. But, once again, I definitely would consider cutting back. What do you think?

The arguement between my odd and other dd was actually over the way sil treated everyone and about how my odd was treating me and her father. My sil took offence and refused to allow my dd to attend the wedding. Then he said he wouldn't stop my daughter from seeing us but that I or any of her siblings, was not allowed to go there. My daughter is very strong willed and I know she has agreed to this also

Thank you everyone for all your posts it has really helped me. I would like to say I absolutely didn't pick sides, I did say that I understood her reasons and it was her big day. Her husband decided to ignore me, my husband and our other daughter and son on the day. I thought it would all settle after the honeymoon but SIL is very childish and has ignored us since. I honestly can say I never said anything to upset the boat I do not like confrontation. My daughter is very very stubborn and once she has a thought in her head that's it, nothing changes it. I have said that I am very sorry if I did anything to upset her. She actually had never said what I've done. My husband has reached the end of his tether to be honest and has had enough of the disrespect. He is upset, for me. My daughter has always been her way or no way. I'm afraid the point of removing precious ornaments is not viable, the children actually threw something at my mirror robes when I tried to stop them from running into my bedroom as I do try to keep them out for safety, unfortunately the mirror cracked. It will cost us 300 to replace. My husband was not happy as the children are I'm afraid quite naughty. My daughter just shrugged when I said they had smashed the mirror. They have unfortunately been banned from other family members houses. I am upset that my daughter seems to be totally unconcerned about how she speaks to us and has no care about how it's received. I know she would happily not see us, not because of anything we have done in fact most people seen to think we're have done far too much and she has no respect. I'm heartbroken but I feel like I've tried everything. I feel like she's punishing me and always seems angry at us. I do walk on eggshells I'm afraid. I really appreciate your advice and will read through all posts again and try to take from them the best way forward

Thinking this over some more, perhaps ODD would have more of a relationship w/ the OP now if SIL didn't object to her coming into their home. Panda, if you're still reading, do you feel comfortable telling us how that came about? After all, it was ODD you had the conflict with. In fact, I'm wondering how you know it was SIL's decision to ban you from their home and not ODD's? Sorry, I know it may hurt to think about that, but I'm just trying to understand the situation better.

Welcome, Lolo!

I want to add to what Smileless has said that sometimes a parent's relationship w/ their AC may seem hopelessly strained/estranged, so they focus on possibly being able to retain/regain access to their GC.

As for the OP's situation, people, I imagine it's very hard for a parent to see their beloved AC at odds w/ each other, especially if it gets to the point where one is banning the other from her wedding. I imagine it would also be very painful for that parent to contemplate attending that wedding, knowing their other AC has been banned from it. And I agree w/ Smileless that most parents/mums would try to diffuse such a situation.

However, I'm not sure that "reasoning with" ODD means the OP was simply trying to diffuse the scenario. I suspect she tried to convince ODD to have YDD at her wedding after all. Very understandable, IMO, but a huge mistake. What she could apologize for is, as I believe I said earlier, "getting in the middle" between her 2 adult DDs.

I realize now that there may have been more that went on. Depending on how serious ODD was when she said she wouldn't mind if the OP didn't come either, she and SIL may have been angry that OP showed up, despite that. Again, I totally get the OP's decision, who would want to miss their DD's wedding? But ODD and SIL may have been shocked and angry that she came.

We don't know, of course, b/c OP didn't say. She did tell us it was "the worst day." I wonder if that's b/c there was tension between her and ODD/SIL. But again, we don't know.

Regardless, none of that justifies their using OP as a childminder during their honeymoon and then cutting her off for 3 years. If they couldn't make other arrangements, as one poster suggested, then, IMO, they should have found a way to maintain the relationship afterwards, not just used her and thrown her away.

Then again, we don't know if there were any issues that arose in relation to the babysitting or if there was a new confrontation after ODD and SIL came home. The OP hasn't answered my question about that as yet. Like agnurse, I feel as if there are pieces missing to this puzzle.

I also feel as if, sadly, ODD may just be using the OP again now, to watch her children even though she and SIL don't seem to want a relationship w/ OP, themselves (sigh). They probably feel OP wants access to the GC, and, no doubt, she does. But they're getting plenty of childfree breaks out of it,

Ah well I will have to disagree with you Smileless2012 but shan't argue with you about it x

Lolo welcome to GN.

There's nothing wrong with arguing and/or disagreeing Yennifer and doing so doesn't prevent the OP from taking on board the advice she feels would be beneficial to her situation.

Smileless, thanks for your understanding. I’m new to posting here although I have been reading posts for quite a while. That’s a terribly sad situation for Mr S’s friend and I hope it is eventually resolved for all of them

Lolo yes, I do see what you mean.

Mr. S. has a friend whose son refuses to acknowledge him and his wife, if he sees them he crosses the road rather than have to acknowledge their existence.

Despite this, they see their GC on a regular basis, taking them for days out and having them for sleep overs. He told Mr. S. that of course they miss their son and hope one day things can be resolved but at least they don't feel as if they've lost everything.

All the while they see their GC, they cling to the hope that the door to reconciliation hasn't been slammed shut.

The atmosphere has dropped here again, why are we back to arguing and disagreeing instead of just saying what we want to say and letting the OP take the advice they like

Smileless, thank you for your reply. I hope I didn’t offend by asking the question and it’s terrible for those of you in those circumstances, I certainly wouldn’t want to upset anyone or cause pain where there is obviously already so much. I genuinely just didn’t understand why there were so many posts here and focussed solely on the GC’s rather than AC’s which would then facilitate a relationship if you see what I mean?

agnurse It is entirely normal for members of a family to discuss things! Normal family interactions and discussions include arguments, people mediating if they can, people making up or not making up and so on!

Rather less normal family interactions include such things as leaving ones kids with your mother for 2 weeks whilst one goes on honeymoon and then refusing to see her for 3 years!!!!

agnurse I too have wondered about a back story, but feel what matters is dealing with the current situation. I just think the OP has to assert herself and take control of the situation and stop letting her DD, SiL and DH treating her like a tin to kick around the street.

Until she does that there isn't a chance of any resolution and even then it will be touch and go. It is trying to deal with where they are now rather than how they got there, although I think that will be relevant to any final resolution.

Agnes, why do you have to be so judgemental.? Panda did exactly the right thing at the wedding by not taking sides and interfering. I wouldn't play your daughters games anymore, you did nothing wrong, there is nothing you can do to alter her ways, it's hit to come from her, she needs to learn to respect, she is a bad example to her children. As for your son in law, words fail. You look after his children but are not allowed into his home. Your husband shouldn't lay down the law about the children either, just because of some breakages, he has no right not to consider your feelings, his grandchildren are more important.

Well you certainly have a totally different outlook on parenting than I do agnurse. What happens in your children's lives is your business because regardless of how old they are, they are your children and their welfare is always your concern.

The OP did what the majority of reasonable mothers would have done in a similar situation, she tried to "reason" with one of her D's to try and diffuse the situation.

You say you "wonder if there is a significant backstory here that we are not hearing", why?

Why can't you accept what the OP has told us without embellishing her post yourself by saying she demanded her D attend her sister's wedding and/or assuming there must be more to this than we've been told?

I think you have a point there Chewbacca, there are some who project their own experiences onto the OP. I fail to see how the OP stating she tried to "reason" with her D about her other D not being banned from the wedding, can be interpreted as her demanding that she be invited.

I think the apparent "emphasis" from some EP's being on their GC and not their AC Lolo is because in some cases the GC are being used by their parents, either as a means to 'punish' their parents by refusing contact or as a way of manipulating and controlling their parents.

The reality for some is that despite having had a good relationship with our AC and all that that encompasses, doesn't necessarily "equate to a reasonable grandparent bond".

All good relationships require us to admit fault and apologise when necessary and in the parent/AC relationship that is just as necessary from AC as it is their parents.

I agree MOnica the children are being used by their mother; it is totally unacceptable and I don't understand why anyone would think otherwise or put the onus of responsibility for this situation on the OP.

Her daughters aren't little girls who Mummy has to stop from fighting with each other. They are grown adults. It was none of OP's business who her daughter did or did not invite to her wedding, and certainly none of her business to get involved in a dispute between two grown adults.

I wonder if there is a significant backstory here that we are not hearing.

I am sorry that you're having to go through all of this. I cannot give you any advice as I haven't spoken to or seen my daughter in 5 years!!!! I don't know what I've done and tried often to resolve it. No luck. Thankfully I still see my 2 beautiful grandkids through her ex husband or I think I would go mad! Sending you love and hugs xx

What is the point in reliving the past and analysing it.

This daughter is using the grandchildren like bait on the end of a fishing rod and dancing it up and down in front of her mother watching her, acting like a fish trying to jump at the bait and swallow it.

To me that is totally unacceptable. It is up to the grandmother to regain her self respect. Set some rules for your daughter, you talk about taking 'crap' from your daughter. Make clear to her that you will no longer do that. Tell her the circumstances under which you can care for the children, tell your DH that the house is yours as much as his and the children will be in the house one afternoon a week and if he doesn't like it he can go out.

What sort of example are you offering your grandchildren when you constantly let your daughter order you about and will not make clear to your DH that your grandchildren will always be welcome in your house.

Get a backbone. Your daughter may cut you out for a while, but I suspect she is far more likely to respect you if you stand up for yourself.

It makes following a thread very confusing because I have to keep going back to the OP to see if I missed a stated comment

So do I!! Chewbacca It is somewhat confusing and irritating and not very helpful for the OP

Agnurse It was your daughter's wedding. It was not your place to tell her that she had to invite her sister.

Hmmm ...bit simplistic in my view. Family members express opinions to each other, that is normal!

I think you need to offer a sincere apology to your daughter.

What for exactly?

There's a huge difference between someone wanting you in their life because of the relationship they have with you, and wanting you because of what you do for them.

That is so true Smileless

Thank you Hetty, I’m of the mind that a good relationship with the adult child - which sometimes involves us admitting fault and apologising (we are all human after all) straight away would equate to a reasonable grandparent bond.