"My parents did their best" - Really, even though it was emotionally and physically abusive?

Thank you Yennifer and Smileless. I don't usually share much that is personal but this thread moved me.

I agree .. It's a beautiful post 52bright

52bright a moving post, thank you for sharing .

Every surviving, abused individual possesses the right to navigate their desired paths to recovery, they are not duty-bound to share a specific method, perception or belief in order to reconcile their separate, unique experience-

It's unfortunate that many abused children become abusive adults but they do, and will employ whatever techniques necessary to continue to be abusive-

That's so lovely 52bright x

One thing is certain, perfect parents have never happened and never will. As long as we are human we are going to be imperfect and make mistakes. We judge our own parents and our children judge us. There were elements of unkindness bordering on abuse in my own childhood and teens which I've never discussed openly. Misplaced loyalty I suppose. There was also much love, effort and kindness. Did my parents do their best ...sometimes sometimes not. They were 20 and 21 when they began their family life. Married with me on the way. and turned out to be not really right for each other and we all suffered because of this. They weren't very wise and sometimes quite selfish but I helped nurse my Dad through cancer and I'm a loving daughter to my aging mother. We don't discuss past mistakes but there is affection shown to me now that I didn't feel as a child.

Dh and I are lucky enough to have a great relationship with dd and grandkids, partly I think because I tried to learn from my parents' mistakes. I think I have been a better mother to dd than I have had and I'm certain that my daughter is a better mother than me.

I'm rambling a bit here and not totally sure of what I'm trying to say except maybe that hindsight is a great thing. I can partly see why my parents were the way they were, yet I don't want to excuse them totally because others in the same boat at the time managed better than they did.

Someone, maybe Churchill, once observed
'When our children are little they love us, when they become adults they judge us, if we're lucky they'll forgive us.'

I suppose I learned from both my parents love and their quite devastating mistakes and my daughter has learnt from my mistakes and I hope also remembers all the love as well.

I realize it's not the same for everybody.

Well if and when you decide, I'll see you there.

I know I'm welcome too, it just doesn't feel right, maybe one day x

You wouldn't be intruding Yennifer EAC do post on the support threads. Even though we can't always relate to one another's experiences it's good to share.

Our experience of estrangement may differ but what we have in common is the pain that family estrangement brings.

I know i wouldn't do that hopefully, I stay away from the support thread and don't even read it now. I can see its for everyone but I think it is nice for you guys to have that space uninterrupted because I can't relate to those experiences and wouldn't want to intrude or maybe make things awkward x

I don't think anyone's doing that Yennifer but I understand what you mean as I sometimes feel like that as an EP.

I think the main thing that minimises EC experiences is to try and push other agendas, topics, thoughts and feelings over theirs. ECs aren't daft and thinking that their experiences are everyone else's or that other parents are all like their parents and don't need constant reminding x

I'm sorry you grew up in a toxic atmosphere HolyHannah. I don't seek to in any way minimise the dreadful experiences some experience as children.

No Sara You didn't. I just meant with the theme of this thread, he never said he did his best. He wasn't trying to do his best. He didn't try to be a good parent. He just thought about himself.

I think a person knows in their heart if they are a good enough parent.They can also take a look outside their bubble and observe many other examples. If they feel concerned they may be falling short, they should have the guts to ask for help.

Sorry if I put words in your mouth Katy.

Iam64 -- "I’m not entirely sure it’s accurate or fair, to say “only your children get to evaluate your parenting."" Who else gets to evaluate your parenting BUT your off-spring?

I grew up in an entirely toxic environment where many treated their kids the way mine treated me and worse. That was my 'normal' and theirs -- adults and kids alike. They would all/still do pat each other on the back and praise their wonderful parenting.

As the parent, you do not see your actions through your child's eyes, you see it as you think your child should see it. A child's perception/perspective is not the same as the parents.

As the parent, you are the 'Director of the Movie'. You may think you have made the best movie EVER and expect to win Oscar's and such, but if the audience (your children) don't like the 'movie' then your opinion of it loses credibility.

"I'm not entirely sure it's accurate for fair to say only your children get to evaluate your parenting" I agree Iam.

I think it's frightening how despite what some people have done, they are capable of kidding themselves they did otherwise Sara.

I think good parents evaluate their own parenting constantly and bad parents not so much x

My mother said it, yet she was lovely to other people and 1 of my siblings so she certainly did her best when it suited her, so I know what her best was and I didn't get it x

To be fair Sara he never said he did his best. He just thought about himself mostly, even though he had 7 children.

I realise that abusers don't think or acknowledge they're abusers HolyHannah.

"So whether a parent is truly abusive or not, all EP's claim that line like it invalidates any possibility that their kids could be telling the truth about their true nature IF they were abusive".

It is certainly not my intention to invalidate your experience or the experience of any EAC who was abused when I say that not all EP's are abusers; I say it as a non abusive EP.

Anyone can say’ I did my best’ mostly I guess it’s true, I suppose most parents do what they think is right at the time.

But then there are the serious abusers, people like Katy’s dad, who beat her. Surely to God, they can’t kid themselves that they did their best.

“Only your kids get to evaluate your parenting”. EP say all the time “I did my best”.
It’s clear that in some, maybe the majority of estrangement situations EP claim to have either been good or have done their best. It isn’t so in every situation. For complex reasons, estrangement can happen where an adult child, or their parent decides the relationship isn’t working for them.
I’m not entirely sure it’s accurate or fair, to say “only your children get to evaluate your parenting.

Basically as HolyHannah says, others might equate someone else's best to their best when actually "I did my best" isn't a measure at all and it creates an illusion x