"My parents did their best" - Really, even though it was emotionally and physically abusive?

"I wish it was that everyone brought up in a "totally normal family" (by whoever's definition!!) , with no mental health issues and who is happy and well adjusted never found themselves in a relationship where gradually the dynamics of that relationship, the insiduous but cleverly made expectations begin to take over and change their sense of self. Where they cant see the wood for the trees because of that relationship dynamics that crept up on them but they are so deep in the forest they don't even know they need to get out anymore and their new norm is what they are. "

I think this happens more often than we even know, Madgran.

"A happy functioning family is one that has its ups and downs, disagreements and resolutions. Times of trouble and disagreement but times of forgiveness adjustment and tolerance."

Totally agree, MOnica!

Oh, Sara, I definitely think playing favorites can be part of an abusive game. It divides people, makes the unfavored ones doubt themselves, etc. Please don't ever think it's a reflection on you.

I am so sorry to hear that about your sister and her children, agnurse. It must be very worrying for you. I hope she gains some inner strength over time, soon enough to get herself and her kids out of that situation.

I understand the point presented, M0nica- I've yet to encounter the type of family you described- I have on the tv and cinema screen, in novels but not in memoirs- The families I encounter are struggling- There's widespread division, dependence and inequality-

And in these threads are parents, one after the next, expressing their shock, having just discovered that the portrait of their family dynamic wasn't as happy or as healthy as they imagined-

*rosecarmel, you miss the point. There are no pedestals and if I met any I would be deeply suspicious of them. As with any aspect of life, families have their highs and lows, good times and bad times but a lot cope with both, and are satisfactory and operational.

Thanks Yennifer, that’s kind of you.

Sara I think maybe it's time to put that baggage down. You have enough to carry, there is nothing wrong with you, you were an innocent child. I think you need to give that innocent child a hug x

Yennifer

Never even thought of that, but makes sense.

I think Greymar was talking about her parents Madgran77 x

They may indeed feel they did their best but it wasn't acceptable at all. To be constantly and I do mean constantly belittled, mocked, terrified and so on is not OK.

I dont think anyone has suggested it is ok.

Yup, it is very common that there is one or more golden children who can do no wrong and one or more scapegoats who get blamed for everything, when one or both parents is a narc. Hubby experienced that (FIL has narc tendencies), FIL himself experience that (there's very good evidence GFIL had narc tendencies and very possible had full-blown NPD), and sadly, DSD has experienced that at her mum's home.

A favourite trick by a narcissist, is to favour certain family members. This favouritism can change like the wind as it suits.

I don't think so Sara65, I think there are lots of reasons she might favourite one granddaughter to cause pain to you and your other children. I've heard of abusive parents turning grandchildren against their own parent given half a chance x

I’m sure my parents thought they did their best. It wasn’t good enough, but although I would always describe her as cold, unkind, sometimes cruel, she managed to have quite a close relationship with one of my daughters, So I think she may have done a better job with a different daughter.

Even if all 3 are the same 1, then that's still 1 in 14 experiencing abuse x

Actually in the UK, 1 in 14 children experiences physical abuse, 1 in 14 experiences emotional abuse and 1 in 10 has experienced neglect x

They may indeed feel they did their best but it wasn't acceptable at all. To be constantly and I do mean constantly belittled, mocked, terrified and so on is not OK.

of course, none of us is happy all of the time. The myths of the permanently happy people/families are just that, myths. Most of us do our best as parents and as people. Some of us find it harder than others all the time, most of us have periods when we're less than perfect, even less than we'd like to be. Periods when life is running fairly smoothly, loved ones are in too much difficulty - are to be valued and nurtured.
I suspect that most of us feel our parents did their best and that in turn we do our best. Toxicity is not that common imo

I agree M0nica, I have known many families who at least appear to be happy.

That’s not to say of course, that every member of the family is happy all of the time.

We did not grow up in an abusive home, but my sister is married to a man who is very controlling and there is some evidence of emotional abuse towards her and her children. I suspect that much of this is down to her personality, which is very caring and submissive. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it does put her at risk for being used and abused by men.

That is hard agnurse. And follows on from my earlier post about how sadly, people can end up in abusive relationships without having experienced an abusive upbringing. I hope your sister is able to see what is happening, see the wood for the trees and move on x

That must be a worry for you agnurse; we worry for our ES and our GC.

Some of it is down to temperament and personality, as well.

We did not grow up in an abusive home, but my sister is married to a man who is very controlling and there is some evidence of emotional abuse towards her and her children. I suspect that much of this is down to her personality, which is very caring and submissive. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it does put her at risk for being used and abused by men.

Didn't mean rattle your pedestal, M0nica- Them hackles could use a trim ..

I agree with your description of "a happy functioning family" MOnica. There's an enormous difference between a happy functioning family and a perfect one; perfect one's don't exist.

Children who grow up in abusive families might have had to fight hard to protect who they are. When someone is constantly trying to tell you who you are (labels) or tell you who you are supposed to be then you might end up an adult protecting your own identity at all costs. That means you won't stand for any criticism or feedback that might mean you have to change. Things like that aren't knowingly abusive I don't think but they do hurt people around you who don't like the way you treat them or your inability to cha ge certain behaviour. Really if you stick to rigidness and don't improve yourself you don't get to be a better version of you which is still you x