"My parents did their best" - Really, even though it was emotionally and physically abusive?

Stress and trauma releases hormones. Hormones that you are only supposed to have in short bursts (flight or fight) not at a constant low level, the body is not designed to be always "on edge". This changes your physiology. Genes are turned or or turned off by environment and biochemistry. Your dna mutates.

People who have had emotional traumas become at greater risk of physical disease because emotioinal stress isnt some abstract non physical thing, it changes your biochemistry and endocrine system which changes your cells which changes your body.

notonan, how does trauma change your dna? Please?

As maybe some of you will be aware (as I'm sure I'm not the only one to have suffered neglect and abuse at the hands of my parents) at that time (1950's) there was no one to ask for help. Thankfully after 60 years, that help has come.

That's just awful Bohemian

One of the worst was The Silent Treatment. Terrifying to a small child.

bohemian, so sorry you suffered this.

Hopefully not notanan, but I agree with Bohemian, a smack was always much preferable to some awful drawn out punishment

Nobody who doesnt have a tendancy to emotionally abuse will decide to start just because smacking is banned

ananimous, I remember, very well, the being sent to bed with no dinner. Lying there for hours with my tummy complaining that I was just too hungry to sleep - usually for giving the wrong answer or saying the wrong thing.

I never, ever did that with my four children. Whatever evil thing they'd done, all was forgiven and forgotten as we enjoyed our evening meal!

Smacking is a subject that deeply confuses me. My darling mother's main form of punishment for 'crimes' that I was unaware of at the time, was to lock me in a room for hours with no food or water and I had to wee on the floor, for which I'd get punished with smacking around my head when I was freed.

All these years on I still remember with panic the fear of being locked in that room, knowing the punishment that would follow - but the pain of the smacking has gone, forgotten. I fear that by banning smacking, some parents may turn to psychological punishment, where the scars cannot be seen but remain on the mind for ever.

Using the cloak of history is not good enough.

Trauma changes your brain and your dna

And "you cany be what you cant see"

Im not saying history should be used as an excuse. What Im saying is that some people genuinely have limited capacity when it comes to self improvement and healthy relationships may be beyond their reach due to damage already done.

It is difficult to look inside at yourself and so much easier to blame someone else. That's why in abusive families there tends to be a scapegoat.

I'm not making excuses but society has changed from "children should be seen and not heard" to a better one. Also, physical violence was acceptable in schools, prisons etc and still is in parts of the world.

Ananimous.

I’m certainly not a fan of smacking children, although I admit mine had the occasional tap on the bottom when they were little.
I would prefer to pretend they didn’t, but they did.

The thing is, I can’t change my past, so I’m not going to waste too much time trying to analyse it.

Greymar, my dad was alright, a very good dad when I was little, Over the years I think ill health made him less tolerant, but I would never have taken such a drastic step while he was alive.

Yes, agreed, re the smiling in photos. But I saw no sign of anything in my maternal GM, no quick temper or desire to hurt as was exhibited by my mother. I do understand about playing it forward thhrough the generations but I see no signs of it. I can only conclude she was a depressed , trapped woman who has a baby girl who didn't come up to scratch.

ananimous

Maybe the damage is mitigated ( to some extent)if the other parent is OK.
I think we all have to take responsibility for ourselves. Using the cloak of history is not good enough.

Smileless2012
Hey, we almost shook hands there, I'm taking that!

Sara65
Knowing that smacking is illegal in some places - I'm interested to know how you feel now about it, though?

If you put it in todays context, you were emotionally abused.

Are you aware of what the repercussions of that treatment are?
Putting kids up chimneys was the norm in the past, and abuse now.

Also, importantly.

My point is for you to be validated. No excuses. Then or now, it was ill-treatment that you did not deserve.

Smacking laws have been introduced in Scotland and Wales, with England next.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one ananimous.

Smileless - Nor do I agree that in response to a child's silly behaviour, to say it is silly is labelling them.

We are of a generation where it was commonplace to say this type of thing back in the day, but not anymore.

I used to think this too, but now I see it as undermining the childs confidence.

But what is silly behaviour? - a child testing boundaries? Remove, distract and explain with respect.

I would be hurt to be called silly, wouldn't you?
And we are fully grown humans.

Greymer -*Also, looking at body language in photos, I see no sign of abuse. Where did it come from, I wonder?*

Sadly, there are many, many instances of abused children in photographs smiling with their abusers.

Exactly Yennifer not everything needs to be shared but some things can and should be.

Maybe share some things but not special toys, don't want to raise doormats either that give toouch and suffer x

IMO learning to share is an important social skill to be learned welbeck and in adulthood extends to sharing some of what you have with those less fortunate.

Ananimous

She wasn’t physically abusive, not beyond the odd smack, and in those days that was the norm.

But I can still see that look on her face when she spoke to me, somewhere between dislike and disgust, and never quite making eye contact.

I was lucky, I had a lot of good adults in my life, and I saw that how we lived was totally different to most people, I think a lot of people realised things weren’t great, but people didn’t interfere in those days, and anyway we were never harmed.

It took me a long time, but now I’m free, but I wish her no ill will.

but I wonder about some of the things we expect from, or impose upon children.
I mean, why should they be required to share their things. they have so little control over the details of their lives, where they live, with whom, which school, what to eat, wear, visit, do... why should they not at least be asked whether they want to share their things.
adults have so much more choice, yet I wont be called selfish for not wanting my neighbour to drive my car, or eat my food, borrow my clothes, take over my tiddleywinks.
ad

Sorry Yennifer I don't understand your post.