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What EP's need to hear from a fellow Estranged Parent.

(245 Posts)
HolyHannah Mon 16-Mar-20 01:37:42

rosecarmel Sun 22-Mar-20 19:19:02

I hope that's something someone needed to hear!

Yennifer Sun 22-Mar-20 19:44:18

Lol rosecarmel. All good mums and dad's want their children to eat healthy things. It was just a way in which an abusive parent can take something to a severe extreme and torture a child x

Smileless2012 Sun 22-Mar-20 20:44:16

Mine was broad beans. I hated them and my mum insisted on cooking them in with mince!! I'm convinced that's why I don't like beans (apart from baked beans and they have to be soft) or any pulses.

HolyHannah Tue 24-Mar-20 04:52:30

Yennifer -- I agree. If people latched on to that as my reason for estrangement. Maybe the same happens with no pony or boarding school. One reason of many is smaller but that's all that gets focused on

Emotional abuse in particular is 'death by a 1000 cuts'... Even after I began recovery and accepted my Scapegoat role etc. I thought, 'if I hint around the edges' that I now "see through her behavior" she would 'knock it off' or at least tone 'it' down. Boy was I wrong. It became a new 'challenge' to her to find new ways to get a negative emotional reaction from Me.

I'm very open about my likes/loves to those who know me. And of course my mom knew who I liked and I said to myself, "IF something bad ever happens to special person and 'mom' tries to use My pain over that person being hurt it will be the 'final straw'." Needless to say special person did get hurt in the line of duty and my 'mom' called not once but TWICE the day it happened, to see how upset I was.

Thankfully for Me, her 'nature' could not be contained so when the first call arrived I was mentally prepared... She was NOT 'mentally prepared' for MY reaction. Which was to chat with her like everything was 'normal'... She expected/assumed that the minute I picked up I'd be a basket case and blurt out what she already knew had happened to special person...

Nope. I just let her steer the conversation and pick around the edges of what was 'going on'. I refused to 'bite'. After 40 minutes of 'trying' she finally gave up and said, "I have to go make dinner." and hung up.

A little over 2 hours later, she tried again. This time she did directly bring up special person and their accident. I said, "Yes... I know what happened but thankfully (I listed the reasons why the situation could have been much worse) and special person is going to be fine." I'm sure she has no idea to this day that she shot herself in the foot that day.

Using those I love as a 'weapon' against Me is a big 'no go' zone and when I learned how she used my emotions as 'weapons'? I turned the gun off. Until that day (yes I remember the actual DATE) I still had a hope that I was wrong about her emotional abuse. After 'that day' I never carried further doubt. So yes EP's, you can hit a 'breaking point' and once your 'child' is "there" the work to undo the damage is going to be A LOT -- IF it can be 'undone' at all.

Yennifer Tue 24-Mar-20 10:57:51

I'm exhausted and I've had 2 emails from mother. One letting me know she knows information about our lives she shouldn't. Very stressful x

Madgran77 Tue 24-Mar-20 18:32:51

One letting me know she knows information about our lives she shouldn't.

Yennifer I expect you know that she is pressing buttons to get a reaction! Are you going to ignore her? Or reply non committally and without interest, a version of what Holy Hannah described in her post before yours? What strategy would reduce your stress most successfully? flowers

Yennifer Tue 24-Mar-20 19:51:05

Yes I think ignoring might be the best! Wouldn't be fair to reply even in these times. We can't ever have a normal loving relationship sadly x

rosecarmel Tue 24-Mar-20 22:48:02

My version of "no pony", I don't recall anyone reading books to me as a child-

rosecarmel Tue 24-Mar-20 22:50:29

We had encyclopedias, a dictionary, a book about trees and nursing texts with graphic images- And a gigantic bible-

Yennifer Wed 25-Mar-20 09:32:18

rosecarmel that's so sad!

rosecarmel Fri 27-Mar-20 16:49:09

Yes, it is- However, she was a descriptive storyteller, drawing upon her past and offered engaging oral histories- We are all grateful for it-

Yennifer Sat 28-Mar-20 16:14:26

Teaching my children to read was one of the liveliest bits of parenting for me x

rosecarmel Mon 30-Mar-20 04:49:37

Absolutely! smile And it's remained one of their favorite activities- Reading and learning-

rosecarmel Mon 30-Mar-20 04:56:20

The courage to not know

Yennifer Mon 30-Mar-20 09:54:13

rosecarmel I managed persuade one of mine to start Wheel of Time. I'm so excited to share it with them. Really good time to push reading. The Internet is the same mixed bag it always was x

rosecarmel Mon 30-Mar-20 18:42:51

Yennifer, yes- Sometimes when groups become so coalesced they're no longer useful except to new recruits that agree unequivocally with their views-

I've been active in forum since the 90's- It is the same old internet in that regard- Lots more bells and whistles, but other than that, it's the same mixed bag-

Stay safe-

rosecarmel Mon 30-Mar-20 21:57:30

Thinking about you HolyHannah, it's been a while, hope you are safe-

LeeElizabeth Sat 13-Jun-20 00:07:53

My daughter moved out today. Before she left, she gave back everything I gave her for her Birthday and then some.

Smileless2012 Sat 13-Jun-20 09:54:03

I hope you're OK LeeElizabeth you've posted on 11 threads about estrangement in quick succession and I see from your post here, that your D has just moved out.

I hope you'll be able to post again on one of the threads so we know you're alright flowers.