In need of advice about DIL

I don’t like negative comments about my son. He’s a quiet, sweet boy who is as unsure how to handle this situation as I am.

And I have been in touch with doctors about my mental health. I have never been diagnosed as a narcissist. I will be in contact with my therapist, however, to see if I can get some less biased, less cruel feedback with my issue.

My DIL has never been keen on a close relationship with me. I don’t see why I have to force one in order to have contact with my GCs. It’s never bothered any of us before this.

I can see that reaching out on this site was a mistake.

I will forever remember my miscarriages' dates and remember how old my child would have been.

I will forever grieve for my angels, no matter how long ago it happened.

You continue this way and you will end yourself cut off. It is a miracle you are not banned from their lives yet.

Loulelady -- I agree. Some things cannot be undone and I know when I was told I was nuts/losing it, that person got the NC routine. How dare someone use my Mental Health against me? That's full FO from me as well.

As for OP's son. I wasn't going to talk about that but yeah... WTF was he thinking?

AgathaRay -- I have a list of mental health issues which I have been recovering from for years. I have done years of work to be emotionally healthier, so to hear from anyone, especially my MiL, "You need more therapy, I think you're depressed." or anything of the like, would be a huge slap in the face to me.

You need to read the EAC threads here and the articles posted there about dysfunctional behavior.

"I never told her she was losing it! I believe it was a very calm, gentle suggestion that she go speak to a physician about possible depression. I myself have been treated for various, minor issues in mental health. It’s nothing to be ashamed about."

"I will mention here that I did not express that thought to anyone but my DH."

Trust me. Regardless of how gentle/calm you think you were or what you said, if it is going through your mind that she is "losing it", then they knew that's what you meant. Dysfunctional thinkers are shocked to learn that when their victims get healthy, they can see the meaning behind the words and not just what the person is saying.

“Popped in” my arse! You know that’s bollocks. You live several hours drive away, that’s not popping in.
Popping in is knocking when passing locally, usually on foot, for a quick hello and probably a cup of tea if the person you surprised isn’t busy or on their way out.
I suspect you didn’t like the idea of being excluded from Mothers Day and decided to take matters into your own hands. To then stay and make your DIL hide in her room to escape you and consequently not see her own daughter on Mother’s Day is just awful.
Oh and your lovely son? He’s a spineless fucker. He should have told you it wasn’t a good time or a good idea, made you a hot drink and sent you on your way.
I doubt she will ever “get over it”. If you were my MIL I’d loathe you by now and it couldn’t be undone.

I think the ‘surprise’ visit was because she’d been told that DIL didn’t want to celebrate Mothers Day so by not saying they were coming there was no danger of being told not to. Highly manipulative. ☹️

We had popped in for a surprise weekend visit - this has to be a wind-up!

Agatha,
You can't rush this at all. You can't make them forgive you. Send a sincere apology for all the hurt you've caused (not 'sorry for whatever I did'). Let them know that you'll give them space and hope that they can ever forgive you enough to talk to you. They may decide to avoid you during the pregnancy to avoid stress, that is reasonable of them, albeit disappointing for you but mum and baby are 100% the priority

Listen to the people here, Agatha, as to how to fix this. As it has been going on for some time, there’s no need to rush into anything. Listen and learn and concentrate on regaining your son and dil’s confidence. If you can do that, seeing your GD will follow naturally, and remember at all times, she is their child, not yours. You’ve had your time as a mother, now it’s time to move on to a new role, which is different from that of a mother but can be just as rewarding.

The only RIGHT way to see grandchildren is to have a good relationship with their parents. Period.

AgathaRay, I don't pop into my sons' houses, never, not even for a quick 'hello'. My visits are always pre-arranged. All my 3 children live near me, a 10 minute drive from each. Occasionally, very occasionally, I drop in to my daughter's house, because she is divorced.
You are probably going about it the wrong way. Just back off a bit. You mean well I'm sure, but you must go easy. The more you expect, the more you will be disappointed.
Good luck !

I would go as far as to say until this poster has some professional help, any advice we give her could be used purely for her own means. Sometimes giving the wrong people the key to get what they want (contact with her gd) could be dangerous to her son and dil.

Tell a professional what you have told us. I refuse to help a potential narcissist get an in with the people who have what they want. I don’t think your motives are pure from your op.

I am so sorry for your loss and pain, ironflower. That’s truly sounds like a horrifying experience, and I appreciate you being so open and honest about it.

I believe that in the effort to keep my post concise I left out many details and emotion that would have shown my issue in a better light.

Regardless, I can’t help but feel upset that I can’t see my GD. I’m also terrified that I will never get a significant relationship with this new babe because of my mistakes.

AgathaRay if you want to fix this you need to apologise. This apology needs to contain NO ifs or buts. It needs to be "I am so deeply sorry for all the pain and upset I have caused" and it needs to be genuine. Before you even attempt it you need to feel it in your bones. You also need to be honest with the people around you. You need to say that you got far too emotionally involved in your son and dils relationship and you need to understand 100% that is the truth. You also need to seek some help to understand and process where these feelings are coming from. They are coming from somewhere and fixing it may just give you a lot of future happiness as well as those around you. You absolutely cannot bypass or rush any of these steps. You have some serious issues and it's time to get better.

This is so awful I am desperate to believe it’s not real. If it is real op leave your dil the hell alone until you can develop some damn self awareness.

Honestly gobsmacked.

As many DILs say, we are not just incubators for you to get grandchildren. WANT to have a good relationship with us

What I can’t see is what to do from here, what to do or say to fix things between DIL and I to regain regular contact with GD and our future GC.

To fix things, firstly look at your statement here. You want to fix things with your DIL to regain regular contact with GC. This is wrong, it shouldn't just be about the GC. It should be about having a good relationship with the parents because you care about them, then a good relationship with GC will (usually) come naturally. Fix things with your DIL for the sake of your DIL, not for what you gain from it

Also about the differences in how much time you spend with GC. Some parents have different ideas about how often grandparents see kids. Its normal and natural. The parents may be busy, they may have other engagements. This happens in healthy relationships too. Just make sure not to complain about how much time you get, or treat grandchildren differently (favour the kids you see more), otherwise they will slowly enjoy seeing you less

AgathaRay,
First trimester losses are very traumatic. Trigger warning here. I lost a baby on Mothers day at 6 weeks. You find out your pregnant and so so happy. Then you start bleeding. You start crying. You clutch your stomach and beg the baby to stay inside. The pain is awful, worse than afterbirth. You keep hoping that baby might be okay until baby is suddenly gone. You feel like a failure. I was at my parents when I started bleeding. I went straight to hospital and then home and cried. If my in-laws had of shown up trying to 'distract me' or prioritising their own celebrations I would have been furious. I have an amazing relationship with my in-laws because they didn't do things like this.

Man a MC around christmas would have also been devastating but you still wanted to make sure your festivities went ahead.

You sound so insensitive, almost psychotic. I don't think you meant to sound like that, it can hard to convey emotions in text, but this is why people don't believe you. What you took out of all their losses and final pregnancy was rage that you hadn't been informed sooner :O

You hurt her so badly when she was at her most vulnerable. She was at her lowest and you pushed her down further. Take a massive step back. You messed up big time. If I were you, I would send flowers and a message, saying that you messed up big time and hurt her beyond repair. Let them know that if they can ever heal enough to talk to you again that you'll be there but until then you'll give them all the space they need as they heal and move forward. Don't talk about meeting up or future plans, they may never forgive you (I don't think I would). Let them come to you.

I can see that I didn’t understand just how awful what she has experienced is.

I can see that I shouldn’t have took her word for not making a fuss on Christmas.

I can see that I should have left their home in May after we figured out was going on. (And apparently popping in ever is rude?)

And I suppose that wanting to be in the know about her medical interventions may not be realistic.

What I can’t see is what to do from here, what to do or say to fix things between DIL and I to regain regular contact with GD and our future GC.

I’m not offended, AgathaRay. I’m just shocked that you can’t see where you’ve gone wrong.

Honestly, take some time away from here to quietly read through the responses, bit by bit, and ask yourself whether there isn’t an iota of truth in what people here are saying. Personally, I think people often deserve a second chance and it would be so sad if you threw that chance away.

I did not mean to cause anyone here to be upset. I’m an awful, cruel person. Noted. I apologize to anyone I have offended.

Oops, so many ‘also’s’, I just couldn’t get my head around this post at all. How can anyone in this situation not see what they’re doing wrong?

Christ! Being sad about pregnancy loss is not a mental disorder that needs fixing by a physician, its a normal reaction!

As for the rest, I dont know where to start. Do you normally struggle to read social situations?

You are the emotional equivalent of a bull in a china shop.

I give up, you make a rhinosceros look thin skinned.