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Estrangement

In need of advice about DIL

(102 Posts)
AgathaRay Fri 10-Apr-20 19:49:19

Hello everyone, a friend recommended me to this page. I would appreciate some advice to this issue.

My lovely son had been with DIL for seven years, married for three. They have a beautiful little 2 year old girl that I adore, although I’ve never been allowed the amount of care that I’m used to with my other son’s children.

About a year after they had GD, DIL had a miscarriage. It was during the Christmas season and she was reasonably upset. I did my best to sympathize, without it effecting the rest of the family’s festivities, of course.

The following May they had another loss. We had popped in for a surprise weekend visit over Mother’s Day (we live a few hours drive from them) and DIL did not seem pleased. The visit further soured when my son told us she was experiencing yet another pregnancy loss. She spent all weekend shut away in her room while we played with GD in the main room. She didn’t come to Mother’s Day lunch and asked not to be given a gift, and didn’t even say goodbye when we left.

After that weekend DIL distanced from me and DH. She removed me from social media and wouldn’t chat with us on the phone when we called my son. It was obvious she was losing it. When I recommended that she go visit a physician for her mental health, she threw a fit. I was no longer allowed contact with her at all, or my lovely GD. This was last May.

We saw DIL, my son and GD at Christmas with family, but she didn’t speak to me nor even look in my direction. We heard through the grapevine that she had another loss in September, and I was outraged I wasn’t told by her or my son. For goodness sake, these are my grandchildren she’s losing.

Anyway, come to find out she’s pregnant again and due in September. This one seems to be progressing fine as she’s well into the trimester. I’m hurt that my son waited so long to tell me, and they didn’t let us know what has changed to cause this pregnancy to thrive where the others hadn’t. Life changes? Medication? IVF? I believe we have a right to know.

But my biggest issue is that she hasn’t warmed back up to us yet. Yes, we still have occasional contact with my son and see GD over FaceTime, but she still doesn’t include me in pregnancy news and hasn’t invited us round or to stay for the weekend in nearly a year. When should I expect her to be over this? She has her baby, shouldn’t she be getting over this?

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 10-Apr-20 19:52:08

I’m amazed that anyone could write this and honestly ask us what we think.

HolyHannah Fri 10-Apr-20 19:58:28

Oopsadaisy3 -- I agree.

Smileless2012 Fri 10-Apr-20 19:58:37

As am I Oopsadiasy and hoping that this is a wind up.

Chewbacca Fri 10-Apr-20 19:59:51

Me too Oops.

Eglantine21 Fri 10-Apr-20 20:00:23

Me too.

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 10-Apr-20 20:01:38

School hols are here again

Curlywhirly Fri 10-Apr-20 20:03:45

Sorry, but I also think this is a wind up, no Mother or Mother in Law could possibly be so insensitive.

Toadinthehole Fri 10-Apr-20 20:07:56

I think if you just read through your post, you may be able to see shy your DIL is distant. She and your son....and the little one, have suffered such losses. I feel so sad you obviously can’t see past how you should be treated in all this. Of course, if this is a wind up, I still feel sorry for you. If you are for real, just back right off, and wait until they are ready. Don’t make this any worse.

Toadinthehole Fri 10-Apr-20 20:08:23

why not shy

Dollymc1 Fri 10-Apr-20 20:14:35

You don't just 'get over this '
Perhaps you should have given a warning to people who, before they read it, it could evoke sensitive emotions
I feel dreadfully sorry for both your son and DIL and wish them better times to come

AgathaRay Fri 10-Apr-20 20:15:04

A wind up?

Truly, I am unsure how to go about this. They have given us no information (like in May?! They had told us they were not celebrating so we popped over. Obviously if we had been given a reason we wouldn’t have come.)

And I would have sent a sympathy card if I had known about the third.

They were very early losses, and I have never experienced one myself or know anyone else who has, so while I’m sure it’s a difficult experience, without communication how am I to know how to respond or help?

The only experience I have is a late teacher who had a very late term loss, and that obviously was traumatic. Is it the same for early ones as well?

M0nica Fri 10-Apr-20 20:15:15

Agatha, if you are real, reread your post and then consider why we find it difficult to believe your post is genuine.

Smileless2012 Fri 10-Apr-20 20:18:31

Do as MOnicasuggests Agetha then if you are for real perhaps you could re write your original post.

AgathaRay Fri 10-Apr-20 20:20:37

It is so hard for me to write these things out, I did not intend to sound unfeeling. Going back it does sound callous. I meant to give the information about her situation and the fact that they’ve stepped back from me without communicating why or what I can do to help. I feel like if I were talked to as these things were transpiring I wouldn’t have made the mistakes that were obviously made, and now I’m unsure of what to do to fix things.

I’d like to mend our relationship before the new arrival in September.

AgathaRay Fri 10-Apr-20 20:22:40

Should I rewrite? It will be dreadfully long. I’ve been accused of fabrication, of all things, so I feel it is a waste of my time if no one will take me seriously.

I have no one to talk to about this, my DH is absolutely sick of hearing it. I’m at a loss.

Farmor15 Fri 10-Apr-20 20:28:17

I think there’s more to the problems with the relationship than insensitivity over miscarriage. You mentioned a surprise weekend visit last May, even though they had told you they were not celebrating. Most grandparents here would not just invite themselves without checking first if it was convenient.

You need to inform yourself more about pregnancy loss, at whatever stage it occurs. It used to be not talked about much, but nowadays the trauma it causes is recognized. I don’t think a sympathy card is appropriate.

HolyHannah Fri 10-Apr-20 20:31:42

It was obvious she was losing it. When I recommended that she go visit a physician for her mental health, she threw a fit. I was no longer allowed contact with her at all, or my lovely GD.

If someone said that to you would you be receptive? If someone said that to me, oh wait they have, I would lose my shit and tell that person to forget I exist. And I did.

I feel like if I were talked to as these things were transpiring I wouldn’t have made the mistakes that were obviously made, and now I’m unsure of what to do to fix things.

It was NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. If they had wanted you to know? They would have told you. And it is clear to everyone but you that you are the one who needs to stop making their life about what you want if you ever want to be a part of it again at all.

AgathaRay Fri 10-Apr-20 20:39:26

I never told her she was losing it! I believe it was a very calm, gentle suggestion that she go speak to a physician about possible depression. I myself have been treated for various, minor issues in mental health. It’s nothing to be ashamed about.

I simply thought by stepping back I would make things worse, by seeming like I don’t care. I do. I love my son and my GD, and while DIL and I have struggled to find things in common I do like her and want us to have a good relationship for my son and grandchild’s sake.

And I did think that having a successful pregnancy would mend things. Apparently that is the furthest thing from the truth, and I apologize. I will mention here that I did not express that thought to anyone but my DH.

M0nica Fri 10-Apr-20 20:48:58

OK, Agatha, I will assume you are genuine and try to put it kindly but bluntly. According to your post, your DiL has had 3 miscarriages in a year and all you can talk about is how she isnt treating you the way you think you should be treated.

After the first miscarriage you write It was during the Christmas season and she was reasonably upset. I did my best to sympathize, without it effecting the rest of the family’s festivities, of course.

'Reasonably upset'? She was devastated and all you could think of was your Christmas celebrations!

After the second you say We had popped in for a surprise weekend visit over Mother’s Day and DIL did not seem pleased. The visit further soured when my son told us she was experiencing yet another pregnancy loss. She spent all weekend shut away in her room while we played with GD in the main room. She didn’t come to Mother’s Day lunch and asked not to be given a gift, and didn’t even say goodbye when we left

You were utterly insensitive, you should have turned round and gone straight home the moment the miscarriage was mentioned - and then you have the nerve to complain because your devastated DiL didn't want to be the party hostess!!!!.

Then you complain because you were not told of the next miscarriage, well of course you weren't after the way you reacted to the first 2 and you talk about her losing your grandchildren.

Finally you complain that she hasn't 'warmed to you' and told you of her current pregnancy'

I am sorry but you come out of your post such a monumental narcissst it is difficult to believe you are real.

Were I your son I would have given you your marching orders after the second miscarriage and not seen or cmmunicated with you since.

FoghornLeghorn Fri 10-Apr-20 20:54:49

It always amazes me that people who are so very sensitive to their own feelings are absolutely insensitive to the feelings of others. They said they weren’t celebrating Mother’s Day. You decided to override this and visit anyway as a ‘surprise’. And when your DS told you that DIL was in the process of losing their baby you didn’t do the decent thing and go home. YOU STAYED, forcing your poor DIL to isolate in her bedroom to get some peace and privacy. And that’s just for starters. AgathaRay, you have the hide of a rhino.

AgathaRay Fri 10-Apr-20 20:57:33

Alright. I can see where you are coming from, Monica.

At the first during Christmas I bumped into her crying in the back bedroom. She’d found out that my other son’s girlfriend had accidentally gotten pregnant with their third child and was upset. She insisted that I not make a fuss. So I did what was asked of me.

The second in May hurt because we wanted to take her mind off of it once realizing what was happening. We invited her to lunch, which was rejected, and bought her a beautiful bouquet that she ended up sending home with us. You’re right, I had no right to be upset over her reaction. Like I said, I have no experience with this type of loss.

AgathaRay Fri 10-Apr-20 20:59:11

Wouldn’t that seem an abandonment, to leave once we found out? Was it not helpful that we stayed round to entertain the child as she went through her ordeal?

Farmor15 Fri 10-Apr-20 21:05:44

If the baby is due in September she’s only about 4 months pregnant, still a long way to go so they must be still very anxious, especially with Covid 19 around. After a few losses, couples often delay announcing a pregnancy. And may not want to tell people, even grandparents, if they lose a baby early. You said you were outraged that you hadn’t been told about the loss last September. They don’t have any obligation to tell you.

Starblaze Fri 10-Apr-20 21:11:41

AgathaRay every word is utterly utterly bonkers. Poor woman. Take a giant step back.