In need of advice about DIL

I must be very lucky to be able to pop in and see my son, daughter-in-law and their two young children. I only live 10 miles away but if it were further I would not turn up and expect to stay, especially on Mother's 'weekend'. But for heavens sake this Gran is coming on a forum and using it as a sounding board! She does not deserve to be berated at every turn. I did not understand when my first grandchild was born that I would have to make an appointment to visit lol! Well it was not like that back in the 80's when I was shelling kids out like peas. People turned up at hospital to see you/babe and you smiled through the hormonal tears. Friends and family visited at home and you all got on with it. My in-,laws lived 100 miles away. They would come down on an occasional Sunday and I would do lunch for all (ok my teeth were clenched till they were fed). We all have to learn about our own families.

Yes your son and his wife have gone through more than one miscarriage and that is very frightening and sad. I have had one, which was my third pregnancy. I grieved for the child I had lost and I knew he/she would have been amazing because the first two kids were.

Well I do not know how it will go in your situation but you need to tread really carefully as permanent estrangement happens all too easily. I have not seen my nearly 8 year old grandchild since she was one. At one point my son was hiding the presents I sent in the loft rather than let his partner know about them!

You must be genuine in your attempts to make this right. And finally I would just give you my condolences in respect of the grandchildren who did not make it to the earth plane xx

If I were your DIL, you would be cut off.

Don't ever show up for any surprise visits.

These are YOUR grandchildren she's losing???? Oh my God, woman.

You sound like you need the professional help.

I think the sentence ‘for goodness sake these are my grandchildren she is losing’ says it all. The whole post is full of narcissistic leanings. I am not surprised the young couple do not tell her anything, I certainly would not!

Hithere sad but true

Agatha I am sorry that you feel that advice has been cruel. I can't agree though as I think there is a real consistency from every reply, which perhaps could help you to reconsider your position in this situation. You appear to feel that as you have never had a miscarriage you cannot be expected to understand what your DIL was going through. One does not have to actually experience something to be able to have empathy and to show understanding and care.

Why would someone who has had a miscarriage be expected to participate in Christmas festivities by the rest of the family, including you? Why should a person who has had a second miscarriage be expected to enjoy a Mothers Day Lunch ..a MOTHERS day lunch... just after a miscarriage?!!

In these circumstances, it is hardly surprising that communication is breaking down! A genuine apology for causing pain, truly meant and accepting of how pain was caused is the first step...but then it really is up to your son and his wife how they respond. And how you behave after your truly meant apology will influence how things go forward!!

Your fears about not having a relationship with your grandchildren are understandable. But if you lose your relationship with their parents then you won't ...whatever you do or say.

I truly hope you can hear the wise advice given throughout this thread.

Does not mean to be followed by..... sorry!

Apology does not reconciliation.

I think a couple of things you say are a worry. You say you could have included more details or emotion, but to me that sounds as if you feel your actions would be approved of if you shared this information. If that’s the case, I doubt you’ll be in the right place to do what you need to to make things right, because the first thing I think you’d need to do would be to do whatever’s necessary to make things better, and, from the tone of your posts, it sounds as if you’d find this difficult.
Another thing was you thinking that you could ‘ take her mind off it’ with flowers and a lunch.
I’m sorry you feel advice ( which you did ask for) was cruel, but I feel your therapist saying things you want to hear would be counterproductive.

Me too Newmom I think OP will be in for a shock. I was the one who would have done anything to please and appease my mum. Till the day I reached my limit and went NC. I'm sure the DIL will be scapegoat if OP hasn't listened but it will be her son who cuts her off.

I too think you are totally in the wrong Agatha you are expecting far too much you seem to have little or no empathy for your daughter in law They have been bereaved three or more times the poor lady needs leaving alone to come to terms with it all You seem only concerned about your needs (seeing your grandchild and having lots of others) She is not there to produce you grandchildren
You really do sound terrible lacking in humanity
The way you speak of your loving quiet son in glowing terms but she’s just there to produce for you
Now this may not be so but it how it is coming across
So I have to agree with everyone else on here and say step back and maybe send a big bunch of flowers and a letter to say “I m sorry I don’t think I have taken your grief into account at all, I won’t interfere again but I want you to know I am here for you if there is anything at all I can do to help”
Then step right back

Newmom101
I am so sorry your mother is so insensitive. You deserve better than that.

Thinking about the Mother’s Day situation I can’t actually believe you lacked so much empathy and insight OP.

Your DIL was having her second miscarriage, on Mother’s Day of all days, and you stuck around rather than left? And then had the cheek to be annoyed that she hid in her bedroom? Did it not occur to you that she didn’t want to celebrate the day? That she was in pain, physically as well as emotionally? And that she would have been bleeding? She needed you this leave so she could have some privacy in her own home to deal with all of that. And staying to help with your GD? Your son could do that. Your DIL could have probably done with some time to cuddle her DD and find some comfort in a shitty situation. But instead she felt uncomfortable in her own home.

As for your son, calling him a ‘quiet, sweet boy’ is ridiculous. He’s a man, not a boy, he’s fathered a child, stop infantilising him. He should have put his wife first and told you to leave. The fact that he didn’t, the way you refer to him, and the level of entitlement to knowing about the miscarriages/pregnancies speaks volumes about your relationship. I would guess that he often feels torn because he feels a lot of guilt if he upsets or angers you, so he upset his wife instead. When she was actually suffering.

You come across as entitled towards the grandchildren, an awful lot like my own mother. Has it even occurred to you that your DIL is dealing with a pregnancy, that she’s clearly wants very much, during the middle of a pandemic? That she will be worrying about her health, the health of the baby? The risk of miscarrying again if she gets ill with this virus? I’m guessing you haven’t.

I’m 40 weeks pregnant and very worried about giving birth and having a newborn during this time. My own mother is constantly saying to me how she’s so devastated that she won’t be able to see ‘her grandchild’ straight away. She hasn’t asked how I’m feeling about all of this, because she’s too self-absorbed to see past her feelings. It completely puts me off encouraging a close relationship between her and my children, she hasn’t ever babysat my DD and won’t.

You need to ask your son how you can fix this. Or talk it through with a professional, without sugar coating it.

Ditto to so much of the above.
As for recommending her to see a physician about her mental health, WTF????
You do realise that people can be very unhappy/suffering grief over such things as repeated miscarriages, without having mental health ‘issues’?

The OP could be in the USA hallgreenmiss as as you say their Mother's day is in May. It's the same in Austalia.

Halls,
No, the US isn't the only country with this kind of people. They are all over the world

I presume OP is in USA; Mother’s Day in May, do American MILS have a special attitude?

Paddyanne,
I had an idea before my mc how awful they can be.

It is call empathy.

these are my grandchildren she’s losing
Says it all I think OP

Women who haven't had a miscarriage dont understand what its like,my own lovely MIL who I love dearly said "maybe the next one will be a boy" after the death at 4 days of my premature daughter .Having said that nowadays miscarriage is talked about more nowadays and the OP should have at least some understanding of the horror of her DIL's situation.The guilt, was it something she did or didn't do that caused the loss,the grief and the fear as another pregnancy begins.My thoughts are with her DIL in this,I send her all my best wishes for a happy outcome for her and her wee family for a safe delivery of a much wanted child.To the OP I cant believe any mother could be this insensitve ,if you want to ever be involved in that wee family you have a lot of heartsearching to do to find any way that will make up for your attitude .I dont know if you're capable of that

Malignant is the word that comes to mind Hithere

Take a back seat and channel your energy elsewhere .

I agree with starblaze that some mil are like this. They are just not so honest writing it in a public forum.

Starblaze : I made the mistake then I thought you were thinking I was nasty to her. Sorry about the confusion.

You remind me of my MIL.
She’s been cut out for almost 3 years. She has never met our youngest DD.
And she never will.

She will never have a significant relationship with them while they are young. As adults they are free to peruse one that does not involve me at all.

There is nothing she could ever do to repair the damage she has done. We want nothing to do with her. There is no apology. No begging that could ever make us think that she is good enough to be apart of our lives.

Any woman who has suffered a miscarriage cannot be blamed for not daring to believe that her next pregnancy will result in a healthy child.

Your DIL has had more than one miscarriage. Cut the poor girl some slack.

You surely didn't expect a woman in the throes of a miscarriage to feel like celebrating Mother's Day, did you?

Frankly, I think it will take a lot of hard work on your behalf to repair all that has gone wrong with your relationship to your DIL. The only person who can really advise you here is your son. He should know how you can apologise to his wife and improve your relationship to her.