Why dont adult grandchildren find their estranged grandparents?

I was particularly close to my maternal GM but not as close to my dad's mum even though we probably spent as much time with both.

I suppose the GC/GP relationship is like all relationships; there will always be those we feel instinctively closer too.

Actually I can't say I had ever been interested in my grandparents or other ancestors. I knew my grandparents and I spend time with them when I was a young child or a teenager but then I grew estranged. I just never felt any personal connection and I've never bothered to know their stories. I don't know why it happened, maybe because of my family, where there were no close relationship at all. I also can say that I've never been really curious to learn something about things or people I don't feel interested in. So yeah, maybe it's this kind of situation

What notanan said. It’s one think to be interested in general info about ones ancestors. If they were to all come back to life today I can’t say I’d want a relationship with my great great grandparents several times removed! You don’t miss what you don’t know, and seeing as how men, generally, are less motivated by relationships and staying in touch with relatives, id be very surprised to see grandsons showing up one day to seek out their grandparents.

Really depends on situation. My maternal grandfather whom I met a few times was not a nice person and I would never have sought him out. I have adopted children. My son met his birth mother once and never wanted to meet her again so his children will never seek out that branch of the family. My sister was estranged from my mother and siblings for 20 years. She has 4 grown children and none of them ever responded to contact. There is no easy answer to estrangement however it occurs.

This probably won't help but it is the truth. I didn't have a relationship with any of my grandparents growing up because of various reasons, none of which were estrangement. However, I think parents "give" their children grandparents and if they don't children may just never feel that connection or interest. I feel a connection to the family line on my dad's side just because he use to say your grandma this and your granddad that. My mum, on the other hand, use to talk about her parents by saying her mum that and her dad that. The content of what they said about them didn't matter. Just the name they gave them and whether they talked about them as theirs or mine. When my dad died I traced his family tree. But I have never felt that my mum's parents were anything to do with me. Even today I can easily refer to Grandma (insert next name) but I stumble over calling the other set of grandparents anything other than my mum's mum or my mum's dad.

The main issue is that you simply cannot have a normal GP relationship with your GC if you have no relationship with your AC.

Even if you ARE in touch, it wont be that sort of relationship

Your GPs are your parents parents. The people that tie together your parents and aunties and uncles and cousins.
They are a part of a bigger whole. A piece of the puzzle that makes up your family.

Separate from those dynamics and theyre just a stranger that expects you to act towards them they way GCs whose GPs are part of the family act

My mum was the one doing the slating to my children about me, which was worse because I am the person they are supposed to trust and depend on most in the world.

They soon worked it out though. They were so relieved when I estranged. So many memories ruined by their nanny. Their other nan they have never met because she chose her boyfriend over her son after he was taken away by social services because the stepfather was beating him.

They don't seem any the worse for it but it still saddens me they don't have a bigger support system.

Sometimes if kids pick up that somethings amis but arent told why that can make it 10x worse as then they use their imaginations to fill in the blanks...

If someones just not spoken about that person can take on scary monster/ villan status in the childs mind when the truth may be less boring.

Its not that simple as "just dont talk about it" on front of kids.

Kids ask
Kids imagine
Kids work stuff out

Kids notice if their parent is sad/upset/tense/edgy whenever a certain person phones or visits even if the parent never says a word and plasters on a fake smile

I agree Wibby AC shouldn't slate their parents in front of their children. One can only imagine quite rightly, the vitriol if a GP said they slated their GC's parents in front of them.

Kids also are the most terrible eavesdroppers/nosy parkers

If AC want to slate their parents it should not be done in front of the grandchildren!

It doesnt need to be in order for children to pick up on the fact that the GP makes their parents unhappy!

Kids pick up on things!

And if the parents never talk about the grandparents at all...is that also brainwashing?

Lies are brainwashing

Truth is respect

If AC want to slate their parents it should not be done in front of the grandchildren! and yes it is a form of brainwashing as all the grandchildren hear is their parents slating the childs grandparents! this has an adverse affect on the grandchildren.

Kids knowing whats going on is brainwashing????

Wouldnt that be the opposite of brainwashing?

Young grandchildren pick up conversations their parents are having about their estranged parents! ( grandparents) to me that is a form of brainwashing the grandchildren!

That's really sad yorkie to feel you were robbed of your GM which I suppose you were. If you don't know that someone you've never met is alive, how can you possibly make up your own mind, if you're denied the opportunity of getting to know them.

Kids definitely notice more than people think.

E.g. parents who say "oh we NEVER argued on front of the kids" - the kid still know!

Its the same when their parent has problems with the GP. No brainwashing required. Kids pick up on things. They know whats going on. Theyre also less stupid than people give them credit for so not actually that easily "brainwashed".

Kids make up their own minds.

I have a terrible guilt regarding my grandma.
My grandad died the year before I was born which I was told about when I was a child but my grandmother was never mentioned. I assumed that she too had passed away.
When I was expecting my second child my mother told me that my grandma had died 2 years previously when I was 26 years old.(mum found this out via a chance meeting of a friend) It was a tremendous shock to me as I had always wrongly assumed that she had died either before I was born or soon after. My mother had a family disagreement which started when she was quite young with her mother and it was never resolved. I feel very 'robbed' not having the chance to meet grandma and I still wonder to this day if she thought that I didnt want her in my life. I would have loved to have been able to contact her. (I was her only grandchild) and my mother was her only child.

I don’t know. I do so feel for relatives whose DiL was always very antagonistic, and cut the GPs off completely after the children’s father died very tragically far too young. I absolutely know the GPs did nothing to deserve it. The children are still relatively young but I do so hope they will make contact one day - and that the GPs will still be alive to enjoy it.
I feel so much for anyone else in this sort of heartbreaking situation.

My kids remember things I don't. It's awful. I was so used to my mum being horrible I barely noticed it at times.

If you saw your loved one distressed and made ill by someone else, you wouldnt like them either. Thats not brainwashing its natural.

What a lot of EGPs dont get is that you hurt the child when you hurt their parent.

You cant expect to pluck the child out of the situation and have a totally fine relationship with them whilst causing their parent to not be able to care as well as they would be able to if not stressed by you making contact

In my experience its because the parents have brainwashed the grandchildren for years!

Re geniology, Its not like contacting an unknown 4th cousin who has no expectations.

I think EGP expect estranged GC to suddenly strike up a GP/GC relationship and they cant! Youre a stranger and youre not in their inner circle.

So a lot will stay away to avoid missmatched expectation issues