SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

#Muffin*

Your husband is very ill and he really is your priority just be kind to yourself or you could end up I’ll too.

You’ve opened the door of communication for your daughter. It’s up to her now to contact you and stop using her son as a weapon and her sister as a go between. She sounds as if she’s getting fed up with that too.

I wouldn’t do anything now but look after your husband and yourself. Sometime we just have accept sad situations for what they are and hope that with time they’ll get easier.

It's good to learn that you've seen your GS muffin.

That is a dilemma and I'm so sorry that things are still so difficult with your D. It can't be easy being afraid to mention her father and the possibility of her seeing him in case she estranges you again.

If it were me, I wouldn't accept being cut off by 'phone or tolerate this type of behaviour toward my DH or myself. Your realistic fear of being cut off completely must be incredibly stressful and from what you've posted, it doesn't look as if she's willing to arrange another visit with your GS any time soon.

I wouldn't write to her. Unless I'm mistaken, she knows how ill her father is. The only advice I can offer is that you don't ask her sister to message her about you seeing your GS. Leave things as they are and see if she contacts you.

Hi everyone, wanted to let you all know that i got to see my grandson last week which i never thought would happen but was just so amazing as he's changed so much,i took him some new toys which he loved, i got to play with him in the park and i took them for lunch, i was very very nervous though, scared to say the wrong thing, we just spoke about my grandson, and i mentioned my youngest daughter was at home caring for my husband but got no reply, she didn't ask how he was or mention him at all, it's as if she doesn't have a father anymore, it's heartbreaking, i feel very disloyal to my husband as he was a wonderful father to her, but i was scared to mention him because asking her to visit him caused the estrangement in the first place.
I offered to babysit for her and her husband but she said it's not convenient (her words) as her husband is now working from home, and grandson is now at nursery , so when i asked when i can see him again she said i have to ask my younger daughter to message her about that, the thing is my youngest daughter is having a very hard time at the moment like most young people, i feel its unfair to keep asking her to message her sister, she said to me the other day " they are all you think about now", but older daughter is oblivious to this even asking why her sister didn't come with me, although it's a 2 hour journey by train and she has to be at home with my husband, and to be honest she's not at all bothered about seeing her sister as she's changed so much.
My husband is getting worse day by day, we are at the hospital again, and he has now said he doesn't want to hear her name mentioned or see her again, my dilemma is do i try to accept this still being cut off by phone, and her cruelty towards her dad, for the sake of seeing my gorgeous grandson?
I was thinking to write her a letter explaining how ill her dad is and that if the worst happens she might regret it but scared to be cut off completely again, any advice gratefully received

It is uplifting to hear that healing is taking place in your family
circumstances P.F. I know that your DH has been poorly so perhaps your daughters have seen the error of their ways and want to make up for past hurts.
Whatever the reason it will certainly be so good for your husband that the family are mending relationships and getting on and of course trying not to pass family divides onto the younger children. With love you should be able to move forward and obviously realism will be there and I hope it all continues to improve each day and bonds grow stronger.

Hugshelp I do not know what my daughter is suffering at the moment be it panic attacks, anxiety, depression all I know she can be her own worst enemy and at times can even seem to take pleasure in trying to cause hurt to the ones that care so much about her, she needs to put the brakes on her behaviour as she has three children in her care which could be compromised if she is not careful.

I am getting back in front of the fan with a cup of tea its hotter than a sauna in my house and not sure how much more of this heat I can take.

Hopeful signs of healing pf. A mix of emotions in these circumstances.
I wish you and all your family the very best for a happy conclusion to past painful times.

Wise words Petitfromage and a toast ?to all you ladies x

Thank you so much for your support everyone, but still early days. I think that, whilst welcoming the mending of the relationship, we probably need to be realistic as to what may be achievable going forwards.

The love will always be there, and the anger and hurt is dissipating, but it cannot be what we thought it was or hoped it might be. Sometimes, realism is the only way, to enjoy the half full cup rather than seeing it as half empty or chasing for more.

I hope you all manage to sleep in this heat and sending , , or whatever 'floats your boat'!

That's brilliant news PF

Oh that's great news PF - so good to see things till moving forwards.

Is your daughter suffering from extreme anxiety 3nanny - that degree of urgency over something that could wait sounds like panic? But whatever the issue a break at the coast might be just what you need.

A break away at the coast with your lovely dogs sounds like a very good idea 3nanny. It really does sound as if you could do with some rest bite.

It will give your D some time to organise a Family Group Conference for when you get back.

I'm glad that you're able to set some boundaries with your D when she becomes abusive. It must be so hard with the problems she has that are such a worry, but you need to do what you can to be there for her without tolerating her abuse.

As Madgran has posted, your post will be in pink and is on page 22 of this thread.

Let us know when you've found it.

nanastrawberry your post is showing ...it is in a thread called "Support for all who are loving with Estrangement" which is in the Estrangement Forum. Your posts should show up as pink to you in the thread, and will be white to all other posters. Hope this helps

Please can you answer this post .I'm a newbie and don't know if my posts show?

Good morning everyone. Smileless2012 in answer to your post from Monday, No my daughter had many reasons why she turned up at her sisters at 5.30 am all of them could have been addressed perhaps by calling us at 8 a.m. and we would have seen to her problems but it was her way of dealing with her issue and wanting immediate attention at her say so even though she pulled the children out of their beds at that time of the morning and of course the poor mites did not know what was happening.
I am trying to get eldest daughter to organize a Family Group Conference she is slow to move forward and be productive so as I cannot have the conference alone if they do not sort something out soon I am going off with the dogs and one of my cousins to visit our other cousin at the coast, am going to find something on the internet life is too short for all this drama.
In one phone call to me D.D. began to get abusive which I will not tolerate if she wants to talk to me then she behaves in a reasonable manner else conversation is finished.
Getting ready to go out now as having some lunch with my brother although for me this weather is killing off my appetite.

That would be wonderful PF especially with your DH's health problems. How wonderful it would be if your family could be reunited again. As you say, it would be sad if the divisions were passed on to the next generation.

A visit to your D's once your DH's chemo has finished will a real boost for you both.

PetitFromage that sounds so positive re rapprochement ...hope it works!

3nanny

starblaze - I am also sorry to hear that things didn't work out.

I am of all of your wonderful holidays, but in the nicest possible way! We are still having to be wary whilst DH is having his chemo but are discussing a trip to visit DD1 (formerly ED but happily no more) in a couple of months when chemo has finished.

I am pleased to say that there has been another potential breakthrough in that DH seems to be facilitating a rapprochement between DD1 and her sisters, who have not seen or spoken to each other for a considerable period of time (4 years in DD2's case) and they have never met their nieces. DD2 has shown great maturity, in my view, by saying that she will leave the past behind, mainly for DH and my sake, but I am cautiously optimistic that all will be well and that the family will eventually be healed. It would be so sad if the divisions were to be passed on to the next generation.

Sorry things didn't work out starblaze. At least you know you gave her a chance and it wasn't going to happen.

Oh dear 3nanny that does sound like someone who is having problems.

Something nice to look forward to chewbacca and smiles

Sorry, flying visit, have a good night all.

3nanny what a worry for you. I hope you can get something sorted. Your daughter is clearly struggling hugely.

Smileless how exciting ...both Charlie2 and a potential visit from your son

Chewbacca that sounds totally fabulous!

Oooh that sounds fab Chewbacca. Yes it would be wonderful to see him as it will be almost a year since we were last together. I think the keys to Charlie 2 will go missing though.

Oh yes I'd forgotten about that old wive's tale 3nanny; shan't be reminding DS though.

I hope you can get a plan sorted for your D. It is worrying her turning up at her sisters at 5.30 am with the children did she say why?

Hope the conversation with your D is productive.

Just popping my head around the door to wave these 2 tickets at you! ?? I've decided to bite the bullet and book for Portmeirion in October. Full Monty of a spa, hotel and cordon bleu restaurant for 4 days. I decided that it really wasn't fair that Smileless has got Charlie2 lined up and I hadn't!

Fingers crossed your DS comes home this year Smileless; even if he does filch Charlie2, it would be lovely to see him!

Smileless2012
Glad to hear you are soon getting Charlie 2 and the motorhomes are nice just that bit bigger than the camper van before you know it you will be cruising the motorways and living the dream.
You should be alright with DS as he has had 3 unfortunate
incidents in three of your cars, and the old wives tale is things come in threes so he has had the three. Although I would make sure Mr. S. drives and not your son.

Yes DD has been calling at strange hours of the morning and after a call this morning she then turned up at my eldest
DDs flat at 5.30 a.m. with the three children, so eldest daughter was not too pleased. I am phoning eldest daughter this evening so we can discuss some sort of plan to move forward as this is such a worry.

I am praying for rain at the moment as this heat is getting too much and my feet and ankles are starting to swell i hope to see the end of this heatwave very soon.

I'm afraid like Granniesunite I'm not "very techy" either, which is an understatement Nanastrwberry.

To see if you've had replies to your posts, you need to keep an eye on the thread(s) you've posted on; that's as techy as I get I'm afraid.

Strange 'phone calls at odd times must be a worry 3nanny especially as your DD is receiving the same. I am sorry.

Had a great Facetime chat with DS yesterday. His face lit up when he learned we'd decided on 'Charlie 2', a motor home instead of the camper van.

Talked of coming over for an extended holiday and making use of it to see more of the UK. Three 'unfortunate incidents' in three of my cars, the last of which he wrote off but thank goodness apart from some bruising he was OK. I'm sure you an guess what our response was to his suggestion!!