SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

We know what you mean Hugshelp x goodnight x

Thanks for the updates on planning for your mum's funeral Smileless. Its sounding as though that is going well. It's such a significant event x

Well done Smiles for organising your dear mum's funeral }}}Hugs{{{ . I did the same for mine & visited her every day before her funeral, did the same with my dad, as thought once they go I will never see them again

Welcome Linda The shock of being cut out is like being hit by a train, I know. It is best to keep quite & let things settle. I was told this by all, but I couldn't follow the advise given. Almost 8yrs on & still estranged, no reason for it, other than jealousy from my D husband, my GD's stepdad.
The initial months are critical to get right, as this is the window of opportunity where you could get back in with them again, the more time goes on the harder it will get.

Smiles & I, both estranged at the same time, did the opposite; Smiles backed off & kept quiet & out of their lives, even though it was killing her to do so, where as I fought & went to court, without success. We are both still estranged, so showing it doesn't matter what way you go, it's not right. I do now regret going to court & wouldn't advise that road. Best of luck.

Thank you all for your kind words, which have resulted in more tears. I feel as if I'm trudging through a thick fog at the moment.
A little more of my background. I live with my partner of almost 20 years, in Portugal. My son, whose letter I received on Monday, lives in England. He's been married for 3 years and his first child was born in May this year. I guess I should have read the signs... unanswered phone calls, no birthday cards for the past few years, no Mothers day cards, no replies to messages and no response when I suggest a video call. I've seen my grand daughter once on video call since she was born.
The last time I saw my son and his wife was at Christmas when I was in the UK. As we were leaving, I hugged him and said I'd see him in May as I planned to fly back once the baby was born. It's funny how things stick in your mind. There was something about the look on his wife's face that worried me but I couldn't explain what it meant. Was cutting me out of her life the plan all along? Of course, covid happened and I wasn't able to go anyway. But that look stayed with me, and I couldn't quite get it out of my head.
I have 2 other children, both older than the son I'm referring to. They each have 2 children and I have great relationships with them. I haven't spoken to them since receiving that letter as I don't think I can hold it together if I have to tell them what's happening. I know they'll be devastated. I will have to do it but I guess I'm just being a coward at the moment.
I think what's making the whole sorry situation worse is that I don't have any support network here in Portugal. I have acquaintances but not really friends who I can talk to. My best friend died 3 years ago and I miss her dreadfully. Not having her there, even on the other end of the phone, is difficult. Which is probably why I originally posted on here. My partner is supportive but I also need female support.
So, that's the background to my situation. Thank you again to those who posted messages xx

Hello Linda and sorry to read about your troubles x

I’m another who was estranged for 5-6 years but we’ve been reconciled now for nearly 10 years but I haven’t forgotten that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when it first happened.

I can’t tell you how fortunate you are to have this marvellous thread with the loveliest folks who’ve been estranged - the different history of each one shows that there is no ‘right’ answer/explanation for the whole sorry mess.

Be kind to yourself over the next few weeks and months and you’ll find the strength to cope. Try to find enjoyment in the good things you have to lessen the pain of this one bad thing.

We’re all here to listen, relate and support you?

The moment you posted here Linda you found new friends and all the help and support we can give you.

Our son finally estranged us 11 months after our first GC was born, literally within a few months of us realising there was something wrong, but even so, nothing could have prepared us for what happened. That was getting on for 8 years ago.

I can almost see that look you saw on your d.i.l.'s face; our experience is very similar. We are convinced that our estrangement what was what his wife wanted, something that she planned and been working on for some time.

You need to let your other children know what's happened. I totally understand you being unable to talk to them right now so I suggest you send them a copy of his letter, telling them you thought they should know but aren't in a position to have a discussion about it, if that is what they want right now.

You don't have to tell them how heartbroken you are, they'll know that because you're their mum and they'll have spent their entire lives not only experiencing their own relationship with you, but seeing the relationship you had with their brother.

It's very hard for the siblings of an estranging brother/sister to get their heads around what is happening. They can feel caught in the middle, torn between their parents and their sibling.

We made it very clear to our son that we didn't want him to take sides and as apart from him his brother estranged his entire family, he was the only family member he had left and may well need him in the future.

They may be unable to talk about it right now too, as like you they'll need to take time to let what's happened sink in.

I hope you'll keep talking to us here, we don't have any answers but we have our own experiences and what has helped us get through may help you too.

Thank you for taking the time to respond smileless2012 and pantglas2. I'm sure your support and experiences will be a great help in the coming weeks and months. I will take on board your advice re my other children.
Thanks again xx

You're welcome Linda x

Thank you, Yogagirl. Sorry, I didn't see your message earlier. Yes, my initial reaction was to google Grandparents' rights and the words 'appeal' and 'court' immediately jumped out at me. It was actually how I came across the link for Gransnet. But that's not a route I want to take at the moment. I'm still trying to get my head round the whole situation.

Going ahead with our planned maiden trip tomorrow in Charlie 2 for 3 nights. It's taken me the best part of the day to get organised as I still feel as if I'm walking through fog but I got there in the end.

We're really looking forward to it especially cuddling up with the dogs as well as each other when it comes to bed time. Not sure how that's going to go, their bed will be there but no doubt they'll be with us. What with our poodle's snoring,
Mr. S's. snoring, our cockapooh being a fidget bum and according to Mr. S. my snoring, which btw is a lienot sure how much sleep we'll get.

Mum's funeral isn't until then 29th so we'll go on to our lodge for a week. I think it will do me good, a chance to relax now.

Have a good trip *smiles" - hope it recharges you and clears your head.

Have a good night all.

Enjoy your break Smiles

Just wanted to say so very sorry Smileless for the loss of your dear mum

Sounds like you are going to have an enjoyable break Smileless and probably much needed after recent events.

I have been planting some light coloured plants out near the patio, and put in a lovely low level garden light and added a relaxing chair it's for when my dear dog has woken me up with her snoring at night. Twice I sat out catching the moonlight and relaxed with a herbal tea, I had to get inside one evening because two cats came to investigate which started dear dogs barking so I went into the house before the neighbours knew I was out there and had been part of the noise level.

Smileless2012 I don't post here very much and haven't even visited for ages but I popped in today and just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear your sad news. I am glad your son had the decency to email you.

Yogagirl Because I haven't been here I had missed that you have your sone back but I am so glad for you.

I really understand what you are going through. I saw my DG/D regularly for the first two years and formed a loving bond. It has been so painful. I too have little female support and I find friends seem to want to avoid the subject. My best friend has been ill so I have not wanted to burden her. I have felt alone and it seemed every other mother/grandmother I knew all had a decent enough relationship with their AC. Then when I came on here I realised there are others in the same situation and it does help a little. I do hope you can talk to your other AC. I have another AC and they have been my salvation. I try and remember what I do have, not what I don't have, although it doesn't always work. I still have awful days but then some days are good. You take good care of yourself.

That was for Linda58

Yogagirl, your last paragraph on your Wednesday post was so informative. You said you and Smileless had done the opposite in coping with your estrangements, but that the results were exactly the same. On reflection knowing what you know now, if you were asked advice on dealing with it what would you say? Also, after so many years and what's gone on is there ever going to be a time when you could have relationship or does it get to a point where it's too late.Hope you don't think I'm being intrusive asking this and understand if you can't reply.
Smileless, have a lovely break with Mr S and your furry friends and don't forget the earplugs.

Morning all

Thank you Meercat

Sparkling Of course I feel I would have lots of good advise for those newly estranged, along with the other posters in the same boat. I wish I had found this forum when first co'd, maybe I wouldn't have gone down the route I did. I would definitely advise against going to court, even though I do know some have been successful.

It's said never make big decisions when newly bereaved, the brain isn't working as it was before. I had the mind set that if I didn't act quickly with the courts, they would say the GC don't know me anymore, say 2yrs down the line, they said that anyway, 9mnths down the line, so.. I say bereaved as that's what it is when you lose your beloved D&GC in a blink of the eye, even though they aren't dead, but dead in your life, like they had all been killed in a car crash!

My advise, as I said before, would be to back off and keep quiet. I could do that now with my mind set now, but at the time it was the biggest shock of my life, took me 6.5yrs to come to terms with it, to move on. Yes all too late now, too much damage, I was sent mad with bereavement, very suicidal until I turned that corner of excepting they were gone from my life. I hope to see my GC in the future, that precious time between GP&GC gone, destroyed for ever, but hope to build a new relationship with them. As for my D, that I loved & adored, as the song goes I would have caught a grenade for her yet she hang me on a cross and crucified me, my crime; loving my GD Laila. No I couldn't reconcile with her.

Thanks Yogagirl, that bought tears to my eyes. How can a daughter inflict so much pain. So pleased you are a survivor and happy now.

We had a great time away in Charlie 2 but no internet hence my absence. At our lodge now for the rest of the week.

Thanks Muffin and Meercat.

Yogagirl as always your honesty and the strength that you've shown is an inspiration. I remember the day I first posted her on GN on the estrangement thread. I waited with baited breath to see if anyone would respond and didn't have to wait long. You were there and I'll always be thankful for your support and friendship.

Pantglas2 I was feeling very panicky just now after reading on this thread that the longer estrangement goes on the harder it is to reconcile. But then I read that you reconciled after 5 to 6 years and that had given me hope. Without hope I feel suicidal.

I’m sure Marg63 that the thought of never reconciling sends you into the depths of despair as it did me in the very early days of estrangement.

Somehow I found a way to put it to one side most days and got on with the so many good things I had - husband, friends and family, work. You will have your own blessings and should try and enjoy them to the hilt.

Every estrangement stands alone and I don’t want to give false hope to anyone but I know I’m not the only one to reconcile on this thread, so it can happen with good will on both sides.

It may take longer than you’d want, and may be a lot different to what you’d hoped for initially but that’s because you’ve both changed and that can be for the best going forward. ?

Thankyou Pantglas2. I do try and enjoy other things aspects of my life. But it is always there just simmering under the enjoyment and a little reminder of it will overwhelm me yet again. Is it normal to be looking for any info about my DD and DGD after 2 years. My partner and DS get annoyed if I find out anything and tell them. The logical part of me says dont do this it will cause more pain but I cant let go as the fear of that is even greater.

All very normal Marg!

I found that hearing/reading snippets about them was a twin edged sword - happiness that they were all doing well, tinged with massive disappointment that they were doing so without me! Our vanity knows no bounds does it??

I also saw that DH found it easier to deal with it and move forward but I always think that mothers are the ones who gave birth and have a deeper bond. When it breaks it’s all consuming.

Although I was able to have a very happy life without her, a tiny nugget of sadness remained until we eventually reconciled and I’m sure all EPs feel the same.

I do hope things are resolved sooner rather than later as I feel the longer things are left the harder it is to come to solution that suits both parties.

I very much took my lead from my daughter who chose how much contact we had at the beginning and that she didn’t wish to go over past history. Some people feel the need to discuss the estrangement in detail etc and that may work but we found our way to a better place without it.

Best wishes x