SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

I understand wanting reasons to be “justified and valid”, but the reason can literally be because the wind came from the left, and that reason has to be respected.

I can think of no reason that I think is valid that my aunt would cut me off after my mother died. But she had her reasons and I had to learn to respect that. A hard pill for somebody who wasn’t quite a teenager, to lose their mother and the next best thing all in 6 months.

It was me, not her, who cut the tie. I said there was nothing we had in common any more and perhaps we should just go our separate ways.

I could have written your post LadyHonoria, similar situation as yours and the death of a parent being the catalyst for the estrangement. I was going to tell you that, in time, you carve out a new life for yourself and build up a whole new family for yourself via friends, but I can see that you've already done that very successfully. Personally, I don't hanker for my family to be back in my life (my life is very much easier and calmer without them in it) but I can sympathise and understand why others would. You sound as though you have a brillaint network of very good and supportive friends; a prize worth 1000x more than a resentful family. Do you have a good relationship with your daughter?

That must have been very hard for you Summerlove, having lost my own mother very recently I can only imagine how awful that must have been for you, at such a young age, and then to lose your aunt too.

That was a doubly hard blow Summerlove, especially when you were so young. Did your aunt never give any clue at all?

Thank you smileless, it certainly taught me a lot about living in the moment and being grateful for what I did have.

chewbacca from what I could tell she was mad at my father. She blamed him, which I felt couldn’t be true as he constantly encouraged me to try to reach out (too much, to my detriment, but he meant well) I eventually gave up after she told me I offended my uncle for something I can’t even remember. As I was the only one holding on so tightly at that point, I gave up. I heard Of how sad she was over the years, and she tried a few times to guilt me back to her life with gifts. But I learned it wasn’t worth how horrible I felt after seeing her.

Hello Madgran in answer to your question yes this is her dad who has worshiped and loved her all her life, she said he doesn't care about his grandson because he didn't make the effort to visit,so she doesn't want to talk or see him again, this is a man who can hardly walk from the living room to the kitchen, shakes violently when the parkinsons meds wear off and has dificulty swallowing and yet she expected him to make a 2 hour journey to her, hard for me to write this but it's the sad truth she hasn't sen him now for well over a year, i was so shocked at her selfishness will never get over it

Mad at your father so you paid the price Summerlove? Horribly unfair to do that to a youngster who is grieving for her mum. I don't blame you one bit for rejecting her later overtures at reconciliation; and if she was lonely in later life and regretted what she'd done; that's too bad. I hope you're at a place of peace and harmony now.

Sorry I'm late but I really hope things are going well PF. I'm so sorry your DH is deteriorating. Thinking of you and yours.

So glad you got to see your DD and GS Muffin and I'm sorry you are having to try and navigate around a controlling partner. I hope things improve for all of you in time. Hang on in there. You might just be the lifeline she truly reaches out for one day.

Welcome LadyHonoriaDedlock. I'm sorry you too are estranged from loved ones. Do you want to try and build bridges with your sister or do you want to move on without her, and by extension, her children and extended family? Have you considered mediation to help you build bridges, or family counselling, or maybe counselling for yourself?

And just to add to the 'strange things' - I went to peg some washing out and a tiny statue of buddha was sitting in the middle of my lawn. Just a little plastic ornament but I have no idea where he came from.

Muffin That is hard for you and her dad.

If she is in a coercively controlled relationship it will be hard for her too, but you will not see that as it will be covered up by the behaviours that are required of her to "keep the peace"/ avoid possible repercussions etc.

Try to hold on to the fact that when she could do it secretly as her partner was away, she agreed to contact.

So many different stories but all with the thread of pain, hurt, betrayal and lost running through them all. Wish we could wave a magic wand and solve all the problems families cause one another.

I alway thought that love would win, that all the positive experiences would overcome the drip,drip and underminning of loving relationships and I put my faith in that. Love would overcome. But I was so wrong.

I get it that some posters on here are estranged because of abuse by their parents. I hear their anger and pain. I get that because what's happening to my lovely innocent family members is abuse.... emotional abuse.... and we as a family are trying so very hard to counteract that but emotional abuse is so very hard to prove. And when you're quite young and it's being directed at you by
'a loving parent " its hard for them to see the difference. Will my grandchildren carry that hatred and anger into their future and so abuse continues. That keeps me up at nights. Its possible. But I'm hoping that" our half "of them will one day surface and they'll say.. No more. This stop with me now. Its too exhausting to hate........

I aso hear the pain of the innocent parents and grandparents on here Just like myself. There was nothing we could have done differently. In our situation it was always going to be a possibility.... according to the professionals....because of the past history of our ex in law. That doesn't really give anyone comfort at all.

This support thread is invaluable to us all lets keep it supportive for us and all the newbies that will find it in the future.

Lots of wise and comforting posters on here who really do understand the pain of estrangement from a loved one and try to support all in that position So my thanks to them.

Such a lovely post Granniesunite.

This support thread is as you say invaluable, and not just for those of us who rely on it so much but for those who may need it sometime in the future.

Sending love and hugs your way PF x

I think that you have reason to be cautiously optimistic about your grandchildren coming through this Granniesunite. I do know of one family that was estranged from their adult child and so, by default, their grandchildren. But as those children grew up, they came back to their grandparents and, to this day, have a good relationship with them. So all is not lost; things have a way of working themselves out sometimes.

It's a lovely morning here. Mr. S. has gone to church, first time since lock down but as I can't wear a mask for more than 20 minutes, and that's a struggle and the service is an hour long, I've stayed at home.

I've been told not to worry, that it's OK if I can't manage the mask for so long but I feel almost as uncomfortable not wearing the damn thing as I do when I'm wearing it!

Good night's sleep 2 nights ago not so good last night. I'm worried that it's going to become an issue in my head, because of course if I go to bed worrying that I wont be able to sleep, I wont be able too grrrrrr.

The Horlicks is helping plus some 5 HTP tablets that a GN recommended on a thread about sleeping a while back.

Hope all is well PF.

Have a good day everyone.

If all else fails Smileless, try an antihistamine tablet an hour or so before bed.

Oh thanks Chewbacca I'll give that a go tomorrow if tonight isn't any better.

Granniesunite, don't lose hope. I know a number of people who had very difficult childhood experiences, including abuse who have not gone on to continue the abuse cycle. I understand your worries but honestly, many children come out of tough environments determined they won't inflict their own experiences on to their loved ones, especially their children.

It's another wet and dark day here again and has been like this since last Thursday. I try to run in and out to miss the downpours with the dogs but have been caught twice in heavy rain all part of being a dog owner I suppose.

As far as Sundays go mine is good and I bought a new range of dinners at the supermarket a couple of days ago so shall be trying some out later.

I have read many books about relationships and dysfunction in families although my own childhood and growing up
was happy enough. Our home-life back then was a caring environment and although my parents done well at raising us our family had more love in it than riches. We were well fed and clothed but I never had the very best bicycle in the shop or the very best pair of roller skates, it was only as I got a bit older it hit home to me that maybe I was luckier than I thought. Once in secondary school some of my school friends would talk of their parents divorce and how much they hated it. I was sympathetic to them but did not really understand what a horrible time they were having.

You make some lovely posts 3nanny.

Hope you're OK PF, been thinking about you all weekend xx

Good morning everyone and thank you so much for your support.

The weekend went well, but the DDs are not reconciled although they all met and were polite to each other. The ice in my heart melted and I fell in love with my DGDs, which makes me vulnerable. There is a lot to process. I feel mentally and physically exhausted.

Sorry that I have been a bit self-absorbed and not very supportive to anyone else lately. I am starting therapy again today, which I hope will help me to put myself back together.

Wishing you all a good week. X

Lovely to hear that the get together went ok Petitfromage- I’m afraid ‘politeness’ is the best to hope for on a first meet up!

I remember my own ‘first’ with DD and SIL and it was full of ‘how are yous, please and thank yous’ etc with all being on a very wary, best behaviour footing!

It will take months and years of tiny steps to get anywhere near the trusting, teasing relationship you all once had so don’t be too hard or disappointed - you’ve all done well and it’s broken the ice.

Best wishes to you and your DH x

That's great news PF.

As Pantglas has said, politeness from your other D's to their sister is the best you could have hoped for at this initial stage.

I hope your therapy goes well and there's nothing whatsoever "self-absorbed and not very supportive" about you.

We're all here for you when you need us to be, just as you are here for us.

Glad your weekend went well PF and I hope the therapy helps, you've got so much on your plate.

When I went into counselling I think I spent the first month trying to convince her what a horrible person I must be to deserve everything that had gone on. I was shocked to find I had a lot less to work on than I thought and that I hadn't deserved the bad treatment done to me.

I'm so glad you are doing this for yourself.

PetitFromage I don't often post here but I've been looking out for you coming back with an update and I'm so pleased that the weekend went better than you'd anticipated. Early days for your daughters yet; in time, they may forge some kind of relationship but for now, you've already moved a small mountain!

Thank-you Smileless2012 for your comment about lovely posts. I read so much how there are many posts about some posters suffering horrible abuse while growing up so thought I would post in that I had a pretty decent childhood and to be honest never a day goes by that I do not have thoughts of the parents who done there total best for me and also my brothers.
So much to post about although at the moment absorbing
what is going on in my life and I got to meet/ for want of a better word the man my daughter has taken in as a project or whatever I do not know.

I have been thinking about you PetitFromage over the weekend
and could not be more pleased that the get together went well. It is early days and so little baby steps plus patience and understanding will go a long way. I am not surprised you are exhausted there have been obstacles and hurdles before you amazingly you have overcome them.

Has meeting him done anything to help put your mind at rest, even just a little bit 3nanny?