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Estrangement

Depression and Anxiety

(55 Posts)
Starblaze Tue 28-Apr-20 00:41:10

I suffered depression and anxiety my whole life. Even as a small child I remember being very conscious of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Please don't think I am throwing a pity party as I know we are all on the same boat right now, or at least different boats in the same stormy sea. Missing friends, loved ones, places and normal routines.

Its gotten to the point for me now that speaking to people from a distance just makes me miss them more.

I worked so hard after estrangement to just be able to leave the house easily. To go back into education. To put myself in vulnerable places. To get my dream job. I practically became a social butterfly. Well for me anyway. The more I achieved the less depressed I became. I even learnt to like myself a tiny bit.

Now I feel like it's worse than before. Being at home makes me depressed. Leaving the house makes me anxious.

I don't want to sound self centred here, so many people are going through this again or for the first time. I just hated who I was and I fear this back sliding.

So a question :

How is everyone coping and what are you doing or not doing that helps?

Smileless2012 Thu 30-Apr-20 12:55:01

That's why although some don't agree, I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You can look back at how you've dealt with particularly difficult and painful situations and draw strength and confidence form those experiences.

Starblaze Thu 30-Apr-20 13:11:31

No i don't agree with that because not all coping mechanisms people develop are healthy ones.

Besides, I should never have been abused in order to suffer in the first place thus having tools to deal with it now.

Also those tools I have are not quite the right ones, this is a vastly different situation.

It just hurts my heart knowing so many are suffering right now and I hope together we can put together a tool box and help each other through it.

Starblaze Thu 30-Apr-20 13:16:42

I prefer "what doesn't kill you makes you stranger"

Smileless2012 Thu 30-Apr-20 13:46:24

Surely everyone 'suffers' during their life time to varying degrees of course; some far more than others.

When someone's been able to develop and/or identify healthy coping mechanisms, those are the tools that are worth sharing. Of course what works for one doesn't always work for another.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stranger"; I prefer makes you stronger.

Starblaze Thu 30-Apr-20 13:53:49

Smileless you have said how you feel, and I have said how I feel and my reasons behind it. You can argue further and invalidate my experience and my feelings or you can agree to disagree and move on.

It's just a saying.

Smileless2012 Thu 30-Apr-20 14:03:44

For goodness sake not this again. Who is invalidating your experience? Why can't see the expression of a different point of view as simply that, without taking it as a personal slight and/or invalidation?

I'm more than happy to agree to disagree, just wish you could do so without making everything personal.

Starblaze Thu 30-Apr-20 14:05:22

Moving on then

Starblaze Thu 30-Apr-20 14:07:01

Making sure I remember to take vitamin D again because it can be hugely beneficial to mental health if you are deficient and some of us don't have access to outside space right now

rosecarmel Thu 30-Apr-20 14:14:20

I fell asleep listening to the rain- I slept like a rock- A chickadee woke me up ..

If you have neither, there are birdcalls on YouTube ..

m.youtube.com/watch?v=xX48Xv09HBI

And rain ..

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Go4YMAws6BU

Smileless2012 Thu 30-Apr-20 14:17:35

I find the sound of rain a good aid to getting off to sleep and the sound of a clock ticking.

HolyHannah Thu 30-Apr-20 14:44:22

Starblaze said, "I feel as though I might have an advantage over many in this time as I have beaten these feelings before.

So many will be suffering this for the first time during lockdown. Especially our age group who have never had to live under this level of fear before."

That is what being emotionally healthier now has done for me during these interesting times.

As for "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger/stranger." I cannot disagree more. What doesn't kill you can/does damage you and teaches unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Starblaze Thu 30-Apr-20 14:49:06

Also sometimes causes a dark sense of humour Holyhannah lol

HolyHannah Thu 30-Apr-20 14:59:32

Starblaze -- When it comes to "dark humour" oh the stories I could tell. LOL

Starblaze Thu 30-Apr-20 15:09:21

I think my ability to laugh at my mums behaviour now is a life saver

HolyHannah Fri 01-May-20 07:30:28

Starblaze -- The moment when my husband and I realized we had the 'same mom', I asked him, "Did she sound anything like 'this'?" and then I did a version of my Ma. How to win a man in one easy step -- prove you have to act like that "on purpose" and that's not your 'normal'.

What's interesting is, when I actually tried to behave that way? It was exhausting even as a joke. It takes a lot of energy to be that constantly negative, nit-picky and judgmental. Especially when all I could see was the beautiful things in him that his mother tried to destroy. Goat love is good love.

So yeah, I have found a profound drop in my D&A as I grew emotionally healthier over-all. And the humour? Yes, my humour may be dark at times, but the rest of me is more like moonlight. I'm not a bright light that leads to a point. I am a gentle glow that tries to illuminate.

Or I could be a thunderstorm that is tossing out lightning... Bitter, angry, biased, immature, attention seeking, a 'gas-lighter', making up 'buzz-words' etc.

Perception is reality. When you can accept someone else's perception is their reality as viewed through the dirty kitchen window, You (as a healthier thinker) can happily keep hanging what you know are clean clothes on your line... Regardless of how dirty the neighbour 'thinks'/perceives your linens are. I sometimes forget that last one, which is when I can fall back a little.

Starblaze Fri 01-May-20 11:34:41

I'm starting to wonder how long I can deal with this level of tired, stressed and frustrated

rosecarmel Fri 01-May-20 14:25:37

Starblaze, I think most people are wondering the same-

You're not shying away from confronting those thoughts, you're not mashing them down or turning away- You're looking them straight in face and feeling them fully-

HolyHannah Fri 01-May-20 20:15:47

I'm starting to wonder how long I can deal with this level of tired, stressed and frustrated

rosecarmel -- I think most people are wondering the same

I know I am. But one day at a time and count my blessings while remembering I've made it this far. And I still have my sense of humour...

Starblaze Fri 01-May-20 21:33:04

We need other people at this time, we're all going through the same thing seperate, that's what makes it hard

rosecarmel Fri 01-May-20 22:22:31

We've had 6 deaths and a number of life-changing events occur in just over 2 years time- The first 3 deaths occurred within 3 months of each other, one of which was my husband- Now this-

I didn't even have time to grieve, it was all chicken without a head, autopilot-

Until now lmao ..

The other night I sat down cross legged on the floor and cried like a child, and was like "I miss you guys.. I really, really miss you guys . ."

Truth be told, if campgrounds weren't closed, I think I'd of thrown my belongings into storage and hit the road last week lmao ..

Starblaze Fri 01-May-20 22:35:55

rosecarmel I don't know the right thing to say but I hear you and I'm so sorry you are dealing with that

HolyHannah Fri 01-May-20 23:30:14

rosecarmel -- My heart breaks for you. I find myself crying a lot as well. It's therapeutic but not very pretty.

rosecarmel Fri 01-May-20 23:30:28

Thank you for hearing it, Starblaze- Understanding goes a looooong way .. and it's appreciated by me-

Starblaze Fri 01-May-20 23:34:52

Shower crying ladies, helps with the puffiness

rosecarmel Fri 01-May-20 23:39:14

No, HolyHanna .. I'm laughing .. Because it isn't pretty, as you say, but it's most definitely therapeutic- Thank you for the laugh smile