Gransnet forums


Moving on

(13 Posts)
Ironflower Thu 04-Jun-20 04:54:24

Trigger Warning - Could upset some people

Just got off the phone with my mum. I feel sick to my stomach but I managed to get a lot of things off my chest. I didn't like that she cried though.

Basically she went on about how much we hurt them. I said I was willing to move forward but we had to know that there would be no more nastiness, name-calling, silent treatments or favouritism amongst the grandkids. She said that wasn't happening. We hurt them too much by taking the grandkids away from them.

Note I never took the grandkids away from them, I stopped them babysitting. They still saw the kids / spent the day with the kids twice a week up until 18 months ago. They stopped spending time with the kids and said they didn't want to go out because oldest son was starting kinder and they had a special bond with him.

I explained some incidents that led to us not trusting them watch the boys. For every single dang incident she had an excuse or a reason. They were in the right to hold my autistic 2 year against the toilet when I said no, and hubby asked them no less than 5 times to let him go. They were in the right when I asked them to maybe just give 12 month old hotdogs on occasions not every day and they told me I was full of s* and ignored me. They were in the right when they physically pushed the grandkids away from them because they were angry at my husband. Their feelings were hurt. I pretty much said if you actually think those situations were right, then there really isn't much more to say. They had an excuse for everything or they completely denied that it ever happened.

The worst one, I brought up that I told them when I was 3 that I was being molested. They threatened the person but continued to allow me around them unsupervised. He continued to molest me. I said all of this and my mum said it was my fault for not telling them that it was still happening. She also said that the police wouldn't have done anything because he was 15 and I was 3.

I pointed out that if they will only have anything to do with the grandkids if they can babysit them, then we have nothing more to say. I cannot ever trust them to be around them alone, supervised was okay (public place only) as long as no nastiness (impossible most likely).

They keep making out that they were wonderful parents / grandparents and that I'M the monster. The only reason she could say for this was not letting them babysit.

Why can't they see how nasty they are? I still feel bad for them which is ridiculous and probably a result of conditioning. I grew up being told that everyone was against them and that everyone else was bad.

So now I get to withstand the constant phone calls and harassment again. She just wants me to crawl to my dad and 'give him' the kids and then she said they might be able to treat me nicely.

Argh I haven't blocked her number yet, mostly because I'm scared of them showing up at my door. They live 10 minutes away. (I have panic attacks related to the domestic violence from my childhood). I wish I could move and never see them again.

Any advice for coping with the guilt and moving forward with my life? Does it get easier?

I'm also sad because this means that I will have no contact with some extended family that I care about.

Received 2 nasty phone calls while typing this out lol

Pantglas2 Thu 04-Jun-20 06:12:10

Move - fast.

Grandad1943 Thu 04-Jun-20 08:02:58

OP made the post before 05:00 am in the morning and states she received two nasty phone calls while typing that post?

Both households must suffer from terrible insomnia.

Marydoll Thu 04-Jun-20 08:10:14

I wonder if they are not in this country.

This post feels familiar, OP have you written about this before?

I would keep my children well away from them, if what you say is accurate.
What a horrrible situation to be in.

Grannyjay Thu 04-Jun-20 08:23:25

You cannot control your parents feelings but you can control yours. I would step away for the time being and do not rise to your mother’s actions. Keep calm for your sake and your children. Tell your mother to stop calling as you need time to decide yours and your children’s future to benefit you all.

Ironflower Thu 04-Jun-20 08:39:07

I'm from Australia, it's currently 5:38pm.

I have posted a very long version of my story, I wrote it back in January.

Grandad1943 Thu 04-Jun-20 08:56:04

If the call are being made to a mobile, just record what is said, and if threatening, hand that recording over to the police.

In Britain, they will give you a crime number and contact those making the calls and on the first occasion, a warning would be given.

The above resolved a situation with a cousin of mine a few weeks ago.

Not sure if the same procedure is current in Australia.

Smileless2012 Thu 04-Jun-20 09:19:44

In order to deal with any guilt and to be able to move forward, IMO you really need to make a decision about whether or not you want to continue contact with your parents Ironflower.

From your post today and from what I remember of your previous post a few months ago it looks extremely unlikely that anything will change so estrangement looks to be the only way forward for you and your family.

There must be laws against harassment in Australia as there are here in the UK. Find out what those are and what you'll need to do to, at the very least enable to police to go to your parents and warn them off.

Moving maybe the only viable option you have. A huge step of course but that was what we did to put distance between ourselves and our ES as he lived just 15 doors away. It was the best decision we could have made.

you need space so to begin with block her number so she cannot 'phone you and as Pantglas has said, seriously consider moving.

Starblaze Thu 04-Jun-20 09:25:15

It does get easier. Keep reminding yourself that your grief and guilt is for the parents you should have had, not the ones you have. Block their numbers any way possible and have something handy to record them if they do get through. No matter what they say or do, don't be tempted to respond. Abusive parents enjoy any attention, positive or negative.

Ironflower Thu 04-Jun-20 10:23:38

Thankyou everyone. Yeah I ended up with 11 phone calls over a few hours. Most just accusing, some saying they wish they had a better daughter. Also said 'not everyone calls the police when someone molests their child...' Not once did she ever say sorry, it was just excuses.

Moving won't be anytime soon, not a quick job to get a house ready and sell it. Looking forward to it though. I have a huge support network of friends and family (just not from my side).

I did save some voice messages.

You're right Starblaze, the grief is more for the parents I didn't have. It would be nice having someone I could call and talk to at all times.

Summerlove Mon 08-Jun-20 19:50:55

I’m so sorry Ironflower

Would it be possible for you To look into individual therapy to help you work through your feelings?

rosenoir Mon 08-Jun-20 20:27:59

Email or write, so that there is a record, telling them you want no more contact and if they do contact you or turn up at your house you will get a restraining order.

Smileless2012 Tue 09-Jun-20 08:58:12

A good idea rosenoir