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I'm desperate, advice needed please!!!!

(20 Posts)
KD17 Fri 19-Jun-20 19:01:17

We are proud grandparents of a 4 year old half French grandchild. Our 30 year old daughter has really caused us problems with a constant stream of men, even when she was with our gc father. they have now split but it is sort of amicable with joint custody. She was living with one that actually took drugs and knocked her about. She left, but rather than come here she lived with her neighbours within two weeks hooking up with someone else, engaged after 2 months, lived with him for 3 months before moving out and returning to the violent one. So far he is behaving. The point is, we just cannot take getting to know any more of her boyfriends, especially this one. There has been too many, it's upsetting when they go and we feel like we have enabled her. She is now saying our gc has said that he doesn't want to talk or facetime with us because " we are never there". How could we be with our lockdown rules? He is at his father's every other week, more sometimes. My husband has started to blame me for it all and I cannot discuss the problems with him. I feel so alone, so hurt with everything she has said and done, I basically just want to curl up, go to sleep and not wake up. Father and daughter don't get on at all and I feel pulled apart. Can anyone help Please...?

crazyH Fri 19-Jun-20 19:17:29

How sad!!!
I dont believe your 4 year old grandson would say that he doesn't want to see you, because you are "never there". He doesn't understand Lockdown, bless him. Your daughter should be explaining things to him, instead of flitting about from man to man. I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions, but I do feel for you flowers

Barmeyoldbat Fri 19-Jun-20 20:16:35

Do you get on well with childs father? If you did maybe you could visit you GC when he is with him.

KD17 Fri 19-Jun-20 20:26:04

We do, but he has his partner living with him now and the last time we visited you could tell she felt uncomfortable with us. We didn't think it was fair for us to impose on her as the father works in the catering business and works anti social hours.

EllanVannin Fri 19-Jun-20 21:00:27

If the boyfriend is violent he shouldn't be anywhere near a child. Violent men never change, especially those who are violent towards women as they obviously bully those who are vulnerable and taking drugs as well.
All you can do for the time being is look out for your grandson
It's not an ideal situation at all.

Bibbity Fri 19-Jun-20 22:11:32

Are social services involved?

Smileless2012 Fri 19-Jun-20 22:44:18

I don't have any suggestions either I'm afraid but I do feel for you being in this very difficult situation.

I agree with crazy that it's highly unlikely a 4 year old would say he doesn't want to see you because "you're never there" and your daughter should be explaining to him as best she can, the reasons why you can't visit at the moment.

You say your H is blaming you; why? And that father, presumably your H, and daughter don't get along. Could it be that your H in some way feels responsible (I'm not suggesting that he should) for your D's recent behaviour with men, and is putting the blame onto you?

Starblaze Sat 20-Jun-20 10:32:32

I do believe that a 4 year old is very capable of saying that, my children age 4 were capable of reading and writing that. I don't think you should take it personally though as 4 year olds and unsteady emotions go hand in hand and even though a 4 year old is capable of knowing and understanding lockdown rules, emotionally is a different story.

It must be awful to watch your daughter in those situations but I think perhaps right now you need to step back and let her make her own choices without comment. That way when she does need help she will be going to a safe place that has loved and supported her unconditionally. If you believe your daughter or grandchild is in danger though you can and must report it.

I wonder why your husband is blaming you if they have a bad relationship?

KD17 Sun 21-Jun-20 18:32:56

Thank you for your messages. My husband blames me, he said I should have made a better job of raising her. It has been difficult because he was disabled by a landmine and for 12 years I have taken care of his needs, looked after our autistic son and hand on heart supported my daughter emotionally, mentally and financially. I am worn out completely. I just don't want to wake up on a morning.

Starblaze Sun 21-Jun-20 20:55:45

KD17. Your situation sounds so complex, I don't have any good advice for you except to please keep getting the help you need and if there is an emergency contact you can use please use it.

You deserve to be happy

Coolgran65 Sun 21-Jun-20 21:14:00

This is bound to get you down and you sound depressed. And possibly so is your husband. Have you seen your dr. Go see him. Seek support. You matter.

welbeck Mon 22-Jun-20 00:49:08

yes, ring your GP as a first port of call.
maybe if the accident to your husband co-incided with your daughter's late teenage, she may have felt he was not available for her. that may have a bearing on her unwise behaviour with men. maybe seeking the perfect man who will give her the warmth and attention she felt lacking from her father.
it is a recipe for disaster, and very sad.
it's not fair for your husband to put all this responsibility on you. no wonder you feel worn out.
does your husband still require care tasks from you. if so, is there any possibility of getting help with that.
i wish you all the very best.

KD17 Mon 22-Jun-20 08:31:48

My husband's health problems are degenerative unfortunately, but I want to look after him, he is my husband. Social services have been involved, allegedly they have visited the man in question and interviewed him and said he no longer is a threat. I don't believe that for one minute. Men like him don't change and I have told her this and warned her but she knows best. For this reason we have made a stand. He is not allowed near the house, we don't visit his. I think for us to see our GS we should go through his father and see him when he is there. My daughter knows to come back here when it happens again and to visit but she won't come. Nothing I can do except wait and hope, but her attitude hurts. She was such a wonderful kind caring beautiful child, it all changed at 14.

Starblaze Mon 22-Jun-20 09:31:26

KD17 that sort of change is possible, I'm not saying it has happened in this situation but it is possible.

I think if you alienate him by refusing visits you will also alienate your daughter. If you go through your grandsons father for access you will further alienate your daughter.

Your relationship looks headed for breakdown if you can't support your daughters right to make her own decisions and support her, that doesn't mean supporting him, just being polite to him. If your daughters relationship deteriorates again, she may view it as better than coming to you for help because whether you have said it or not, she will know your feelings about her and that you have thought since she was 14 that she wasn't a nice daughter anymore.

Madgran77 Mon 22-Jun-20 18:19:07

Your relationship looks headed for breakdown if you can't support your daughters right to make her own decisions and support her, that doesn't mean supporting him, just being polite to him. If your daughters relationship deteriorates again, she may view it as better than coming to you for help because whether you have said it or not, she will know your feelings about her and that you have thought since she was 14 that she wasn't a nice daughter anymore.

I think that Starblaze is giving you good advice above KD17

Lolo81 Mon 22-Jun-20 18:39:14

I also agree with Starblaze and her advice.
I’d also like to add that I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger, my dad warned me and warned me about him but I thought I knew better. The “I told you so” factor of returning to my parents weighed in heavily when it came to leaving and I stayed far longer than I should have. Pride is a terrible thing and I felt that my pride was all I had left.
My mum was the one who eventually got me home, she didn’t judge me and looking back all those years ago she must have been pulling her hair out at the awful decisions I was making.
I know it will go against every fibre of your being to set eyes on this man, never mind be polite to him, but your daughter needs a safe space to go to - for me that was my mum because she hadn’t judged.

Madgran77 Mon 22-Jun-20 18:53:53

We were the "safety net" to turn to for one of our AC too when they hit a point that they could no longer cope with the situation that they were in.

We had been watching, waiting and not being judgemental whilst being gently honest. I am glad that we were! We were needed with a vengeance, once that AC asked!! If we had behaved differently, they might not have asked!

KD17 Sat 04-Jul-20 21:34:43

Things have taken a turn. The father has applied to the French courts for full custody because he is scared of the effect this other man will have on our GS. I asked my daughter to come back to us so we could help and perhaps it would help with the courts, but she has said no. I don't know how much more I can take, and I need to be strong to help her

welbeck Sat 04-Jul-20 23:27:53

well maybe that would be best for the child.
i know you'd be disappointed if he was in a different country, and you couldn't see him often, but realistically, what is his future to be.
you could not take him on, with all your other responsibilities.
and your daughter's judgement sounds a bit shakey.
has she been taking drugs. she may not be the best person to keep him safe, because she cannot see clearly that the men she associates with are risky.
if i was a friend/ relative of the child's father, i would probably urge him to do the same. he must be worried about his child. and if he came to any harm, he would never forgive himself. it must be a constant worry. very wearing.
he may feel that he cannot be sure that his child is safe when he is not directly supervising.

3nanny6 Sun 05-Jul-20 14:45:31

Another poster asked you if Social Services are involved but you did not answer. Your daughter has been associating with risky men and from what you say these men have been violent. Do you actually know how safe your grand-child is?
Do you have other children that your daughter speaks to? perhaps they could find out what is going on.
Perhaps it is a good thing the father of the child has applied to the courts for custody although how amicable will your daughter stay if she thinks he wants full custody. It all needs to get sorted out for the safety of the child.