Is 'No Contact' abuse?

Chewbacca

^I will say I'm no contact and just explain what that means if I need to^

Champion! Although I can't imagine that anyone would be rude enough or insensitive enough to ask for explanations. A simple "I'm estranged from xyz" is normally sufficient to all except those with a prurient curiosity.

I wish you were right

No one who knows me well has ever questioned it.

Sadly I can't say that some family members knew me well

Granniesunite

Sorry you're not aware of our circumstances GG65 its neither of those and yes there's a much bigger picture so really as im not telling the complete story I do understand your take on my posts but im glad you had help to get over your divorce.

Thank you.

From what I can gather, your situation sounds difficult and I hope your daughter and grandchild are okay.

I will say I'm no contact and just explain what that means if I need to

Champion! Although I can't imagine that anyone would be rude enough or insensitive enough to ask for explanations. A simple "I'm estranged from xyz" is normally sufficient to all except those with a prurient curiosity.

Chewbacca

Or you could just say "We're estranged from xyz".

I will say I'm no contact and just explain what that means if I need to

Smileless2012

I think you'll find that Granniesunite is talking about her D's coercively controlled and emotionally abusive marriage GG.

Thank you.

I was confused by her reply, but that makes more sense.

I’m not on here often, so I’m not familiar with everyone’s situation.

Sorry you're not aware of our circumstances GG65 its neither of those and yes there's a much bigger picture so really as im not telling the complete story I do understand your take on my posts but im glad you had help to get over your divorce.

I think you'll find that Granniesunite is talking about her D's coercively controlled and emotionally abusive marriage GG.

Granniesunite

Are you saying that your daughter is coercively controlling and emotionally abusing you by going no contact?

Or are you saying that she coercively controlling and emotionally abusing her child by going no contact?

Because not wishing to maintain a relationship with someone is neither emotional abuse or coercive control and I can’t imagine any psychologist coming to that conclusion unless it is a very small part of a much larger picture.

And people would still know what you meant.

Or you could just say "We're estranged from xyz".

Saying "I have had no contact from xyz" isn't actually the same as using the term to say "I have gone no contact with xyz"

Perhaps that is where the confusion comes from

Words versus term

GG65

Smileless2012

I'm sorry to hear that GG. When you were experiencing the trauma and experiencing feelings of abuse, did anyone ever tell you were wrong, and if so, how did that make you feel?

Yes, my therapist.

He guided me through my grief and helped me to see that actually my husband wasn’t deliberately causing me pain, but that he was unhappy in our marriage and that his feelings were also valid.

That’s your experience GG65 and that’s valid. Ours is a very different experience and just as valid. Not all marriages end because of abuse but my daughters did.

It was with the help of psychologist andlawyers that we were helped to understand coercive control and emotional abuse so our understanding is because of that. I’m very content with that understanding thank you.

Of course feeling are not facts don’t think I’ve read that being said on this thread but I did read my experience of no contact being abuse disputed.

You're right Madgran "it is the way they are being questioned.

Smileless2012

Thank you for responding. It seems to me that the disparity we have on this thread is that the way people feel is being questioned.

Perhaps with therapy or just the passing of time, feelings of trauma and/or abuse can be revisited and seen differently, but when those feelings are being experienced, it is wrong to suggest that the person feeling them is wrong.

I agree Smileless| and would add that sometimes it isn't the fact that feelings are being questioned, it is the way they are being questioned, unkindly, with conjecture based on nothing someone has said!

It is fine to present other perspectives, to be a critical friend who might be able to help someone to look at a situation in a different way ...but that should be done in a way that the hurting person can "hear" it and that might reasonably help them in trying to move forward in their situation! There are examples of this happening on many threads on GN, of course it is the times it doesn't happen that cause so much angst for so many!

You make a good point GG, there is a difference I agree.

Smileless2012

Thank you for responding. It seems to me that the disparity we have on this thread is that the way people feel is being questioned.

Perhaps with therapy or just the passing of time, feelings of trauma and/or abuse can be revisited and seen differently, but when those feelings are being experienced, it is wrong to suggest that the person feeling them is wrong.

No, having feelings is never wrong. It is perfectly normal and understandable to feel grief and anger in these types of situations.

There is a difference however in saying that no contact feels abusive when you are on the receiving end v “It’s emotional abuse at its worst and coercive control and emotional abuse of the child.”

Thank you for responding. It seems to me that the disparity we have on this thread is that the way people feel is being questioned.

Perhaps with therapy or just the passing of time, feelings of trauma and/or abuse can be revisited and seen differently, but when those feelings are being experienced, it is wrong to suggest that the person feeling them is wrong.

No feelings are not facts

I needed so many facts to understand I was having the wrong feelings an it was time to go no contact

Smileless2012

I'm sorry to hear that GG. When you were experiencing the trauma and experiencing feelings of abuse, did anyone ever tell you were wrong, and if so, how did that make you feel?

Yes, my therapist.

He guided me through my grief and helped me to see that actually my husband wasn’t deliberately causing me pain, but that he was unhappy in our marriage and that his feelings were also valid.

I'm sorry to hear that GG. When you were experiencing the trauma and experiencing feelings of abuse, did anyone ever tell you were wrong, and if so, how did that make you feel?

Iam64

It really isn’t as simple as you appear to believe GG65.

Can you elaborate?

My first marriage ended in divorce. I was blindsided by it and it was an incredibly traumatic experience for me.

It felt like an abusive act by my husband. It really did.

But it wasn’t abuse. Ending a relationship isn’t abuse.

Feelings are not facts.

Ahh "regardless of how that makes the other party feel" that's the point though isn't it GG65. Some on here are talking about how they experience estrangement/no contact.

If their experience is that it is as a result of for example their child being in a relationship where there's coercive control, then that is their experience.

If their no contact with/estrangement from their adult child is experienced by them as emotional abuse then that is their experience.

I think you posting "see how they get on with that" says enough to know that to continue this particular conversation with you would be pointless, so I'll leave it there.

People need to as the question from the other side too.

Is it abuse if someone is forced to continue a relationship they really don’t want or which detrimental to them or their family?

It really isn’t as simple as you appear to believe GG65.

But everyone who has read this will now definitely know that what I mean when I say I am no contact with my mother

But has anyone ever doubted or questioned it violetsky? If so, where? When? Why? And just so long as you know and are satisfied with the lexicon that you use to describe it; why should you be so concerned about the lexicon that others use? It doesn't make sense for one person to try to dictate to others what vocabulary others should be using, to describe their personal situation/circumstances, just to satisfy the whim of the other.