Is 'No Contact' abuse?

Exactly Madgran "This thread is about people answering the original question from their perspective" and it's ridiculous to say it's about accusing people who do estrange/go no contact of being abusive.

As we keep saying over and over again, it depends on the circumstances and is not about making sweeping generalisations.

So please explain how people are being accused of being abusing solely because they have cut contact. No other examples given

The entire thread is about people who decide to end relationships being accused of being abusive

The thread is about people answering the original question from their perspective! They are entitled to different perspectives based on their personal experiences and views!

However, I have not seen anyone suggest that ,because of their personal views based on their experience, a genetic link means that there is a lifelong obligation to maintain contact! That generalised assumption about how someone thinks cannot be made because of their specific view of their specific situation. Every case is different

But he will have his reasons. And to him they are fine. Because he is not accountable to anyone as an adult.

It’s not abuse to sever a relationship. Blood does not mean a life time of obligation.

Thank you for clarifying your meaning Smileless2012 I do appreciate how you feel and have empathy for you. It doesn't change what I am trying to explain to you though.

No Violetsky I said our son estranged us for no good reason and that that very act of estrangement is abuse.

Smileless2012 I really don't want to hurt anyones feelings here but I'm going to have to stand by what I said.

I haven't invalidated anyone's experience in any way by saying I won't answer comments to me calling No contact abuse, it isn't the same thing as what any estranged parent here has described in their estrangement stories and doesn't take anything from them.

The reason it takes away from my estrangement story is that it describes a difference between what I did and what you say your child did.

I did not estrange for no reason, I went No Contact with an abusive person.

You say your child estranged you for no good reason because he was abusing you.

Therefor your child and myself have nothing in common as you yourself have said.

Having that distinction benefits both of us realistically so I can't understand why I am not allowed to have it.

There have been plenty of contributions to this thread explaining why for some the very act of estrangement is viewed and experienced as abuse

I’ve yet to see one actual example.

People who don’t want to associate with other people are no abusive. Even if they reason is they just don’t like them. No abuse.

Abuse would be. You’re never talking to us again. Then a string of harassment. Then saying you can see us if you do XYZ. Give us XYZ.

Saying this relationship is over. Full stop. No more.

That’s not abuse. Otherwise no romantic relationship would ever be able to end.
No divorc

Madgran77

*Why does a genetic link give someone a life long obligation to be forced to have contact with someone they don’t want to have in their lives?*

It doesn't! Has anyone suggested that it does?

….The entire thread is about people who decide to end relationships being accused of being abusive.

There have been plenty of contributions to this thread explaining why for some the very act of estrangement is viewed and experienced as abuse.

In some circumstances, not all by any means but in some, no contact is an abuse tactic, and it is IMO disrespectful to say to those who have experienced no contact in this way, that it is not.

Our experience of our son's estrangement of us is one of his abuse. That is our experience and I will not have it invalidated any more then I would seek to invalidate someone else's experience.

Transferred from understanding estrangement thread.

My husband and I have experienced both sides of estrangement. I am no contact with my family after a childhood of physical and emotional abuse. They continued the emotional abuse on into my adult life until I finally walked away 2 years ago. I have never received love and respect as a human being from them. Only unfair treatment, severe critisism the silent treatment and scapegoating. The lack of love and affection was the wordt part. In the e d, with my parents in their eighties and still being abusive to me, my two sisters joined in, back stabbing and dismiss g me in order to score points with elderly parents and get POA and take financial control. It was not for their health, only for control of finances. I suspect they will get me disinherited
But I really don't care as I'd rather have my mental health

My husband is a strange from his oldest child, a girl now 25. This is a very long story but her mother has poisoned her against him. He did not leave her mother, he did not end the marriage. We met 2 years after but the amount of verbal abuse and. Poison levelled at us was horrendous. I think the mother regretted leaving him and I was in the way. His daughter gave him a 'it's me or her' ultimatum.
He is a wonderful man and I feel so sorry for him. He left the door open to her In the hope that she might one day think about this and they could try to move on. He wrote this in an email but nothing has come of it. She was 18 then.

There is very often a good reason that people are estranged. The reasons vary so much that I don't think anyone should judge u less they really know both sides. So no, I don't think it's abuse.

Sorry for the errors I thought I had tapped preview but posted instead.

You are obviously free to speak as you choose but I hope you understand that I won't answer future comments addressed to me with No Contact described as an abuse tactic as it feels disrespectful given what I have already explained in conversation with you and others here

I have already said that I understand your perpective from previous discussions earlier in the thread. I acknowledged that in the scenario with your family that I agree with you. The flowers were meant to acknowledge the hurtfulness for you

I personally feel that other scenarios are different, and was not particularly expecting an answer from you regarding that

Madgran77 I've previously explained that "No Contact" is a rule to follow when estranging an abusive person in order to fully protect yourself from any attempts at further abuse and does not have (in circles of abuse victims and experts on the subject) any other meaning no matter how others choose to use it or misuse it.

You are obviously free to speak as you choose but I hope you understand that I won't answer future comments addressed to me with No Contact described as an abuse tactic as it feels disrespectful given what I have already explained in conversation with you and others here.

We are all free to decide who we have contact with, who we choose to spend time with - and who our children mix with - thank Heavens.

Sometimes 'no contact' (or as little as possible) is to protect ourselves, and our children, from abuse!

It hurt but I don't view it as abuse. It's their choice whether or not they have a relationship with me

I agree Violetsky that is their choice, not abuse, although hurtful for you. They gave you a reason, valid or not

In other scenarios I think No contact could be abuse. Every estrangement story is different

Why does a genetic link give someone a life long obligation to be forced to have contact with someone they don’t want to have in their lives?

It doesn't! Has anyone suggested that it does?

Why does a genetic link give someone a life long obligation to be forced to have contact with someone they don’t want to have in their lives?

I was estranged by several family members over my choice to go No Contact, so it's a confusing one that they would deem their choice "right" while mine was "wrong". They told me they wanted nothing to do with me unless or until I made a mends with my mother. That also meant that they walked away from my children.

It hurt but I don't view it as abuse. It's their choice whether or not they have a relationship with me.

"No I think many no contact, ghosting situations are a deliberate act intending to hurt, and by that definition makes it abusive". That was certainly the case for us Normandygirl and for me is an example of abuse.

Other than that the comments made by other people on this thread are subject to interpretation and I don't think it's really worth arguing over individual interpretation

I'm sorry if my comment came over as "arguing". That was not my intention, I genuinely can't find an example of what you describe so wondered if I had misunderstood the point

I'm not sure that an EAC being specifically told that their going no contact is abuse can be described as as an "interpretation". However I understand if you are saying that some comments , less directly expressed towards any specific EAC, can be interpreted in different ways.

I think it's probably quite a leap to try to generalise or put any estimated amount on how many situations deserve/don't deserve no contact or estrangement. That probably isn't helpful to anyone reading these threads, whatever their circumstances.

We cannot even quantify how many estrangements exist let alone the reasons they exist.

Smileless2012

No she wasn't correct Norah and neither are you. Depending on the circumstances, the act of estrangement can be and often is, by its very nature abuse.

I agree with you that the effect of your child deciding that you are not welcome in their lives, feels very abusive to me. If the no contact has not been done to protect themselves from abuse then why do it? Even if your lives have diverged to an extent of not having much in common or shared interests, it doesn't take much effort to send a card twice a year surely. No I think many no contact, ghosting situations are a deliberate act intended to hurt, and that, by my definition makes it abusive.

It really is not a black and white topic otherwise there would not be pages and pages of discussion over it, some of which include the idea that estrangement in of itself is an abuse tactic. Either that or they are poorly worded and not later clarified.

I do agree that estranging in order to get your own way is an abuse tactic but I think those of us still discussing this agree there? We agree that some are forced to estrange and some relationships, even without abuse are too unhappy to continue?

Other than that the comments made by other people on this thread are subject to interpretation and I don't think it's really worth arguing over individual interpretation.

I have not read on this thread specific examples where an EAC has been told they are abusive because they have estranged from an abuser....are you saying you have Violetsky and I have missed them, or have I misunderstood?

I have read several times that circumstances differ. That in some cases no contact is abusive (often related to ghosting/no explanation). I have read EAC and EPs actions being validated by others when they have described their experiences and subsequent decisions on many estrangement threads.

I still feel in answer to the OPS original question that it is circumstances of no contact that change the answer to that question

I read it yesterday in its entirety Smileless2012 so I'm confused by the strength of your reply. I won't argue with your perception though.