Is 'No Contact' abuse?

Not all estrangements are due to the one being estranged's behaviour March. They can and do happen due to the influence of a partner/husband/wife.

I cannot imagine a GP estranging their GC's parent as that would also mean estranging their GC too. If an AC's behaviour came to a point that they felt they couldn't take anymore, would they not want to maintain their contact with that AC in order to look out for their GC?

We worry about GS's because their father, our son, estranged us more than 8 years ago. We don't even know them so I can't begin to imagine how it must be for GP's who had established a loving relationship with their GC to not be able to see them ever again.

But that works both ways surely?

What if the grandparent chooses to estrange themselves due to the behaviour of their AC? There comes a point when you can't do or take anymore.
Whether the other person agrees or not, their behaviour is too much.

Norah I hope you have a "reset "as you call it. Be interesting to see how you handle not seeing one of your daughter's or grandchildren for years . Don't think it can't happen as it has happened to the best of us through no fault of our own .

Unless it has happened to you best keep your opinion to yourself. It is hurtful to us who are going through estrangement. You have no idea of the pain it causes.

So if one of your D's estranged you Norah and prevented you from any contact with your GC, and your GC from having any contact with you, would you regard this as being a "reset" and "normal to growing a new family"?

Or are you posting as a mother and GM who has no personal experience of estrangement by your own AC and as a result, losing GC too?

Four daughters, I think a reset is normal to growing a new family.

I don't think it's abuse. It's not pleasant for anyone involved at all.

I think it's done for many reasons and everyone's situation is different.

Norah have you got a family?

I hope it isn't "normal to growing families" and never will be Norah.

I don't think no contact is abuse, it's just a reset of priorities and normal to growing families.

Smileless, I responded as you did to this post , but I do think it’s pointless in this instance, those that estrange for whatever reason are not mature enough to sort things out, they will one day have to face up to what they have done. No one denies that some people should not be let loose with children, but we are not talking about that, in your dil case, she wanted control, she probably saw the close relationship you had with your son and she wanted to make sure she came first. He should have stood up to her but in the end wife and children take precedence and he wanted an easy life. I wouldn’t be told what to do if I thought it wrong. What message does that send to the children? I do think things come back on you, she won a battle but the war silently goes on, he knows in his heart how he has hurt you and his father, it will come back on her.

Yes it is, both heartbreaking and complex Jane which is why I think for some it's easier to accept an AC estranging abusive parents, then it is to accept how a much loved and treasured AC can estrange their parents, because of their partners influence and control.

Smileless2012

I agree JaneJudge that "often one of those reasons is abuse of some sort" and that abuse can be at the hands of their partner who is using coercive control to manipulate them to estrange their family.

That must be heartbreaking it is all so complex.

I agree JaneJudge that "often one of those reasons is abuse of some sort" and that abuse can be at the hands of their partner who is using coercive control to manipulate them to estrange their family.

sorry welbeck I appear to have replied to an old reply of yours I hope things have improved

welbeck, would your daughter attend therapy/counselling? the minimises of behaviour or even thinking it is her fault is part of the abuse cycle it must be really hard for you.

I answer to the original post which was 20 pages ago, it is too simplistic to say one way or the other isn't it? I tend to think people who are long term estranged (not short term) have god reasons for doing so and often one of those reasons is abuse of some sort.

I agree Madgran. For me as I posted yesterday this thread was set up to be contentious. It isn't possible to ask the OP his/her motivation as they no longer appear to be on GN, but judging by the general content of their posts, it's not hard to discern their intent.

I think the original title of this thread is too generalised a question, using provocative language on a deeply emotional subject.

As all stories of estrangement have their own variations in circumstances, causes, relationships etc then how would it ever be possible to answer the original question in any constructive way? There will always be someone whose story does not fit whatever the answer given, precisely because every story is different!

My observation is that there are cases where the answer to the original question would be "No!" due to reasons, behaviours and circumstances! And in other cases, due to reasons, behaviours and circumstances, the answer would be "Yes!".

So it seems an unnecessarily upsetting and provocative question to ask on an estrangement forum and it would be interesting to know the motivation of the OP in asking it!

I have been very unwell, I don't really remember answering this at all before

Well TBF Armadillo you've made several posts on this thread since your first post in April all in a similar vein, and despite responses being that it is not abusive for an EAC to go no contact with an abusive parent, you continue to post as if the opposite is being stated.

A truly awful situation User7777.

Agnurse ... I really feel for you. My situation is similar. Aggressive bully in family. Attacks everyone who doesnt agree with him.
Everything including.. they are his kids, he can do as he likes to them.
Hitting them when they refuse to do things for him.
Sleeping in their beds with them at night,
Lying about family members, because they disagree with him.
Threatening to punch elderly relatives.
In general, a total idiot. What more can I say.
Sometimes it's best to leave people like him to it. While you know the kids will be dragged up and more than likely, drugged up in their teens. Damaged next generation is the only future for these kids.

To Smileless2012

I just answered the question that was asked at the top and I haven't read everything so I don't get what you mean really. Sorry.

No, it isn't calling victims of child abuse abusive too Armadillo and that has been stated on this thread on numerous occasions.

When someone is in an abusive relationship, they are the victim and there's absolutely nothing wrong with them estranging their abuser, as with the case of the mother being abused by her son.

As an estranged parent and as a result losing my only GC, I don't feel like a victim I am one. TBH I always felt this thread was deliberately started to be contentious.

For the 8 years I've posted here on GN about estrangement, there's been a refusal by some to accept that not all EP's are abusers.

I know that there are abusive parents out there who have quite rightly and deservedly been estranged. Just as I know that there are parents who never abused the child who in adulthood. estranges them.

A great post Allsorts.

I do think that no contact is abuse in many instances, to manipulate a situation. Every scenario is different so difficult to be general. Adult children with mental health issues, force their beliefs on their children so they never get to make up their own minds about grandparents. For that must be the hardest not knowing how their beloved go are being treated. There are parents who insist everything is their way and you can’t reason with or perhaps they neglected or abused their children so it obviously would be right to put a child in harms way. Then there is what is more likely, jealousy of partners attachment to parents, that won’t do, they.come first. Whatever it is it’s sad. Look how Harry and Megan have alienated both sides of their families. There are way to sort things out without alienation.

I think that reply was unfair as I only meant we shouldn't call it abuse as per the post or it is calling victims of child abuse abusive too. Like the other lady who can't have contact with her son as he is abusive. She wouldn't be abusive for not having a relationship with him either. I haven't commented on any parent who has been estranged at all as I am sure they feel like a victim of abuse and I'm not being unkind to anyone.

We used to get emails from our ES, re writing history. Conversations with our DS, showing that he was trying to re write history with him too.

Not all EAC are victims of abuse Armadillo and for those of us who have been estranged by our AC when there was never abuse, we are the victims.

"unkind words" can also intensify the abuse that some EP's are already experiencing. We are fortunate to have found peace in our lives, but there will ever be any understanding as to why the son we adored could treat us so cruelly.