Is 'No Contact' abuse?

That's very sad nanna8 and I'm glad you were able to share your experience as someone who missed out on many years with their GP's, due to your mum's decision to estrange them.

It's an all too often made assumption Madgran that parents are only estranged because they are unpleasant/abusive and it's never the fault of the EAC.

As you say, that has made nanna8's post all the more significant.

There's a huge difference between not having a relationship with GP's due to geographical circumstances and not having one because of estrangement.

Cards and gifts can be received from a GC from the GP's they don't see and as a consequence don't have a relationship with, but that's not an option for the child whose parent(s) estranges their GP's resulting in no contact at all.

Considering how serious child abuse is, it’s continually appalling to me that there are folks who honestly suggest that non-abusive parents ending contact with unpleasant relatives can ever be ‘abuse’.

The assumption above is that they are "unpleasant!" I have seen noone suggest that contact should continue with a child abuser by the way (unsurprisingly!)

And how significant for that assumption to be followed by a poster giving a "grandchilds" adult perspective, including a recognition that it could have been caused by a "difficult" personality. ( so sad for you nanna8)

Who knows ...but assumptions should NOT be made, every story is different!

If it is abusive to deny children a normal family relationship with grandparents, is it also child abuse for parents to make a choice to raise their child far enough away from all family that they will never have contact (travel not affordable for them)? It's a very common scenario that families live in diverse places these days. Reading this makes my head hurt because I didn't have a relationship with my grandparents even though there was no estrangement. It's hard for me to get my head around a relationship as a right because of that.

No 'right' answer here because it clearly depends on the circumstances surrounding the rejection of contact. I was kept away from one of my set of grandparents from about the age of 10 and I had no idea why. It was so sad to meet them again just before we emigrated to realise how many years I had lost and they died soon after we left the UK. I still feel sad about it to this day. My Mum could be very difficult at times so knowing her, she probably misinterpreted a comment or something.

nananet01

Yes, its child abuse, denying them a normal, loving and fundamental family relationship. On the other hand, if estrangement is to stop abuse by the grandparents that would be justifiable.

Or perhaps it’s the GPs denying the child that normal family relationship because of their own (mis)behavior. Considering how serious child abuse is, it’s continually appalling to me that there are folks who honestly suggest that non-abusive parents ending contact with unpleasant relatives can ever be ‘abuse’. SMH

If ever I read or hear the words 'my son/daughter has told me I wont be stopped from seeing my GC because they know how much I love them' my blood runs cold nananet.

I can't help but wonder if those words are written or spoken because that's what they are thinking of doing. It's the same with both parties agreeing that there should be more honesty in the relationship. All too often what that really means is the AC being honest but the parent/GP not being given the same 'rights', as your situation demonstrates.

Smileless, my daughter said the same, to my face, that she would never stop contact because the children loved us so much. She also said she'd want us at their weddings. It meant the world to me and I believed her. We had a meeting to discuss more honesty between us, for the children's sake, only months on, when I was more honest about her derogatory attitude towards me, she stopped contact.

Yes, its child abuse, denying them a normal, loving and fundamental family relationship. On the other hand, if estrangement is to stop abuse by the grandparents that would be justifiable.

Yes I think so too

Indeed Chewbacca

Emotional maturity is clearly key.

Sorry if mum has done enough abusive acts.

I think then if has done enough abusive acts to make me want to do one abusive act and estrange then it's her fault anyway and she can take the blame for me estranging her.
That feels better ha ha

I agree Chewbacca and Madgran.

Emotional maturity is certainly key Chewbacca

It's not helpful for example to make generalisations that all estrangement is or is not abusive behaviour ......... And having the emotional maturity to know the difference.

They also 'muddy the water' Madgran. It's not helpful for example to make generalisations that all estrangement is or is not abusive behaviour, especially on an open forum where people are talking about their personal experiences and situations.

Context is so important. In some cases to say that an EAC decides that they no longer want a relationship with their parents because they don't like them, and don't have to like them, is far to simplistic when there are other factors to consider like the introduction of a third party to the family dynamic.

Coercive control is recognised in law, it is abusive behaviour and is responsible for many cases of estrangement.

Exactly Smileless. Every case is different and generalisations are unfair and not helpful!

In our situation your post is appropriate CSotnik, rather than talk about what was wrong we were estranged; 'ghosted'.

Again for some Estrangement is the solution. If they don’t want a relationship why would they try to solve anything?

Children don’t have to like their parents. And they don’t have to have a relationship with them. Even without abuse.

Yes, it IS abusive according to Psychology Today. It is not having the maturity to speak out and finding it easier to “ghost” the situation. It’s dysfunctional to all parties involved

Well if an AC has tried to speak out about an abusive childhood and not been heard/accepted then their choice to estrange seems entirely reasonable not immature!

Yes, it IS abusive according to Psychology Today. It is not having the maturity to speak out and finding it easier to “ghost” the situation. It’s dysfunctional to all parties involved.

It has been said several times that estrangement from abusive parents is not seem as abusive Armadillo and explained and re-explained several times by the posters who feel that SOME estrangement is abusive!

It doesn't matter, I just think people meant what they said as they didn't give context and it hurt my feelings a bit but they probably have their own issues and it doesn't make it true anyway so I have let it go.
My mum never listened to my feelings and I wasn't a chatty person and since I estranged I have been trying to show my feelings more but don't always get it right as people don't always care anyway ha ha

That's true Dillythe Gardener, it's always very sad when there is a full and final estrangement, no matter what the reasons are/were, or who does it/has it done to them; there are always innocent casualties who end up being "by products" of something that wasn't ever anything to do with them.

I'm sorry Armadillo, I didn't understand your post.