Is 'No Contact' abuse?

I think it is very dependent on the situation. My mil fell out with her brother and he has not spoken to her in about a decade.

My mil to put it politely, is an impossible woman, demanding and rude. The falling out and then estrangement was from something nasty my mil said that should have been kept to herself. But it has been very sad to see her pain at losing the only living relative of her generation, and she is in her 90’s. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

However he is probably quite happy, I wouldn’t know as he doesn’t speak to his nephew (my DH), but I know he was sick of her (mils) behaviour.

She offended me this weekend, but she is too old to change and I should have been firmer with her early on. But I was in my early twenties and was trying to be respectful as I was taught growing up.

It is also a great pity as when he estranged her he estranged us all, so he is missing out on my DS’s who really loved him and they are such great men and he has missed out on that relationship especially not having been blessed with children of his own.

No sorry I don't get it, I would read who was around me and say that no contact is not abusive if done by abuse victims or in protection otherwise it reads that all no contact is abuse. There is not any contact like people who say they have been abused by it and explain why that is how they feel. I did already say that it doesn't make sense for walking away from abusers to be abuse. I get how it feels for people to shun you as it has happened to me as well. When that happened though it was for the best just in my situation. I did read other comments that said it is abuse. One said it is abuse unless both people agree to no contact each other. I can read and I did understand.
Its fine though people vent but now everyone has said this is for everyone why can't we be careful?

For me, it’s also about consequences and ensuring that people realise that there are consequences to their behaviour, and that includes people not wanting to be around them.

I don't understand while it's so difficult either Chewbacca and I remember validation and invalidation being constantly brought into the discussion for a while too.

I really can't understand why being able to see both ends of the spectrum as being valid is so difficult

Neither can I Chewbacca..

Agreed Madgran; I believe it's referred to as refusing to validate someone's experiences. A previous contributer to this very thread was quite adamant that all experiences should be validated. And that's just as important for those who are the estrangees, as the estrangers. I really can't understand why being able to see both ends of the spectrum as being valid is so difficult.

I suppose what it comes down to is the fact that I don’t care what the estranged family members think. If they feel it’s abuse... that’s their right but it won’t change my decision

And that is fair enough. Their experience may be abuse. If someone experiences something as abuse then they have a right to say so. Others may disagree but I don't see how one "version"/experience has a right to make a definitive judgement over another "version"/experience.

Estranged children know why they have estranged. Estranged parents who estrange themselves from their children know why they have done it. Any person being estranged may well experience it as abuse.

Presumably if that was accepted this discussion wouldnt be taking place

Exactly AmberSpyglass you've made your decision.

"If they feel it's abuse... that's their right......" this is what I've been saying.

Same. I know some of what MiL thinks and says through Sil mentioning it.
Of course she’s done nothing wrong. Of course she doesn’t understand why we’ve done this. She’s asked SIL to talk to us and get us to talk to her. SIL is awesome and politely tells her no because she likes us and wants a relationship with us.

I don’t care. I don’t care how she feels. She can call me abusive and everything else in the dictionary. Doesn’t change me or my life.
And it certainly isn’t going to make us contact her.

I suppose what it comes down to is the fact that I don’t care what the estranged family members think. If they feel it’s abuse... that’s their right but it won’t change my decision.

As has been said it depends on the reasons AmberSpyglass. If you estranged for the reasons stated in the first paragraph that argument could be put forward. It would be someone else's point of view snd that wouldn't necessarily mean it would be right.

I really don't know how else it can be explained Armadillo. You post from your own experience and sarnia may have posted from her's. I post from mine.

I don't understand why you don't "like this", it's to be expected that there will be EP's and EGP's whose experiences of estrangement differ to someone who has estranged.

As an EP and EGP as this forum is not exclusively for that group, I expect to see posts from AC who took the decision to estrange.

It's only on a closed site that you'll only see responses from people who have the same experience as you.

It’s why cutting someone off isn’t abusive. Because you’re not doing no contact to someone. You’re doing it for yourself.

Absolute zero contact means you’re done. Absolutely done. To ‘punish’ or get gratification would involve some contact to gain the joy of enforcing the no contact.

But deciding that you no longer want someone in your life Is what you do for you and your happiness. Our lives are better without my mil in it.
We don’t care about how she feels about that. It doesn’t matter. Because we are not responsible for someone else’s happiness.

But it’s so subjective - you could argue I’m annoyed at the relatives I’ve cut off for our differing opinions and that it’s cruel to separate my family from them because we disagree on something that doesn’t directly affect us.

Or you could argue that I went NC with people whose views I found offensive and didn’t want them to have any influence on my children.

Sarnia

No contact is abuse. Especially for those on the receiving end of the silence.

What does this mean then or the other people who said it as well. I don't like this. I'm going off line for a while.

No one is saying that walking away from abuse is abusive Armadillo. You've taken the decision to estrange your mum because she's abusive, and your children don't want any contact with her.

I really don't understand why you seem to think that anyone here on GN thinks that walking away from abuse is abuse.

If you've missed it, take a look at Madgran's post @ 18.59 which clearly differentiates between walking away resulting in estrangement due to abuse and for example, doing the same thing because you're annoyed want to get back at and punish someone.

For those of us who have been estranged for the latter we regard it as abuse and are entitled to do so as that is our experience.

See that makes me sad that people can think walking away from abuse is abusive. Really upsetting. I think that people who are abusive do it but that doesn't mean it's always abusive or that makes no sense at all.

You said no contact is abuse.
So choosing not to keep contact with someone you don’t like and don’t want in your life is abusive? Why? Why should people be forced to have someone in their lives they don’t want contact with?

Bibbity

So you’ve kept in contact with every single person you’ve ever been in touch with. Because not doing so is abuse.

That is not what was said

Amberspyglass Yes I can get that!

Maybe it rests on the difference between what people feel is "bad enough" to go no contact! As opposed to being cross with someone and using one's children to "get back at" the person one is cross with. Which can quickly turn into no contact for good!

So you’ve kept in contact with every single person you’ve ever been in touch with. Because not doing so is abuse.

No contact is abuse. Especially for those on the receiving end of the silence.

If it was something bad enough to make me go no contact, of course I would because they then wouldn’t be people I’d trust around my children.

If I had a bad relationship with my parents, why on Earth would I want to introduce them to my children?

Why indeed! But what about if your children have built up a strong and loving relationship with your parents and then you fall out with your parents but it has nothing to do with your children?

If I had a bad relationship with my parents, why on Earth would I want to introduce them to my children?

She was definitely emotionally abusive, my doctor helped me get away from her but I still worry about things as it's not been long.