Is 'No Contact' abuse?

Motherofdragons Wed 24-Jun-20 13:09:57 yes, the reaction of someone with no argument to debate. Shame it had to come to this but heyho, everyone is allowed on this site. Those reading can make up their own minds about the value of the posts.

I wrote on the relevant thread how odd it would be if estranged parents could go to court to gain access to their adult children... I thought it was a silly idea but...

Perhaps 'abuse' is often in the eye of the beholder in this context? The courts would have a more defined view

Oh, ffs!

HolyHannah Tue 23-Jun-20 20:32:08 you used the word 'usually' in relation to the letters. Is this the area you work/have worded in?

Haha, HolyHannah are you/have you ever been employed as a “no contact” letter writer?

What is going on?!

I am not happy about dissecting other posters situations neither am I Nonnie. Especially when I suspect the purpose is an attempt to discredit the poster simply because what they are posting about their personal experience, doesn't 'sit well' with someone else's.

HolyHannah Tue 23-Jun-20 20:32:08 you used the word 'usually' in relation to the letters. Is this the area you work/have worded in?

Perhaps 'abuse' is often in the eye of the beholder in this context? The courts would have a more defined view.

I think most of the arguments could be used by both parents and grandparents.

I am not happy about dissecting other posters situations.

Chewbacca's right welbeck I was letting you know that I understood why you or anyone for that matter would find this thread confusing. I wasn't digging at you and I'm sorry if you thought I was.

So, what would you rather have? An explanation or a life?

The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive are they.

*No matter if you offer an explanation for it or you don't - It's simply something people who leave have to own*; yes it is.

Madgran it's just a word, that describes what I was talking about, that I learnt recently. I like adding to my vocabulary

Ok!!

Leaving stings- No matter if you offer an explanation for it or you don't- It's simply something people who leave have to own-

well i have distanced from someone and a situation without announcement, but it is not a family relationship.
in fact it is partly because it is not a family connection that i have realised i need to distance; they are not my tribe as it were. and i have to look to my own well-being.
i wouldn't want to explain why to the person concerned because that would be prolonging an inappropriate connection.
i only choose to share my inner feelings with people i want to be close to. so by not doing so, i am asserting my independence. keep my own counsel.
but i can see that it is different with families, that is not a chosen connection, it is a given, inherited one. and the ties are much greater. and more complicated.

Maybe this explanation will help others to understand why another's exiting without an explanation is dependent upon their survival, well-being and personal growth-

Someone I know slowly distanced herself from family as a result of beginning to understand her family's dysfunction, how it impacted her and them-

Despite the fact that her emancipation was awkwardly executed, she accomplished what she set out to do and grew, as an individual, and further away from her family who in time grew to begin to understand why she did what she had to do-

She is half golden-child and half scapegoat, so is both condescending and compassionate- But what matters is that if she had to offer everyone an explanation I'm not sure she'd be alive today-

So, what would you rather have? An explanation or a life?

I'm sure that their was no dig intended at you welbeck. I think that Smileless was trying to reassure you that any confusion you had on this thread was perfectly understandable because it's become so complex and personalised. slid down its own fundament

not sure what you mean; feels like some kind of dig at me.
doesn't matter.

welbeck ref. your post this evening @ 18.05 about being confused; it's hardly surprising is it.

that does sound very strange.
and hurtful of course.
but i don't think i'd call it abusive as such, which was the original question. guess it depends how the terms are used.
does it really matter what its called; the effect is the same.
seems a bit of an abstruse argument about terminology to me.

Madgran it's just a word, that describes what I was talking about, that I learnt recently. I like adding to my vocabulary

I can see where you're going with this HolyHannah but as far as our email's concerned you couldn't be more wrong.

It wasn't like that at all. No mention of issues or problems concerning our ES's relationship with us. Not even the slightest hint that we would be estranged just a few months later.

That's why it came as such a shock. We had our GC for a few hours the last time we saw him. He came to collect him and we were going to our villa in Florida for 3 weeks a few days later.

The work we'd had done on our house had been completed and he said how much he liked it, said he hoped we'd have a safe journey and a good holiday. So as you can imagine, when I 'phoned him a week after we'd returned to wish him a happy birthday to discover he'd blocked all calls from our 'phone number, the shock was indescribable.

Marchmom19

What a difficult time that sounds for you and your husband.

However, if someone goes NC with the intention of manipulating for something, like money or childcare, that is abuse.

I agree

My last response was to Motgerofdragons

I didnt mention disingenuous originally. My response was to Starblaze as she mentioned it for reasons best known to her. I genuinely believed that was what it meant as Starblaze knows from a different conversation. I was wrong.

I haven't actually heard the phrase "concern trolling" before so I looked it up.
"the action or practice of disingenuously expressing concern about an issue in order to undermine or derail genuine discussion"

Interesting!

We are NC with my in-laws for various reasons. The main ones being, my MIL is a narcissistic, alcoholic who forcefully removed my baby from me every chance she got and has hated me since I got engaged to my husband.
When we tried to set boundaries after our son was born, such as don’t get belligerently drunk in our presence and do not ever remove the baby from its parents without asking, we were promptly ignored for MONTHS. That is how she manipulates my husband. She’s done it at least half a dozen other times during our relationship. But this time, it backfired. We haven’t seen or spoken to them in over a year. She hasn’t seen her one and only grandchild since he was 9 weeks old. And I don’t intend to see her anytime in the foreseeable future.

However, if someone goes NC with the intention of manipulating for something, like money or childcare, that is abuse. And I feel for those grandparents

I thought that "disingenous" described deliberately asking a question or making a comment that presents another aspect without necessarily giving ones own opinion ...for the purpose of helping people to look at an issue from different perspectives!

Is this not playing Devil’s Advocate? The mention of disingenuous makes it sound a bit like concern trolling though.

Hmmm! Singularly appropriate!

My point is that it is the opposite of genuine and I spelt it wrong

Yes! And your point is? ?