Why do our adult children do this to us?

Madgran I already recognise, sometimes I use humour when a behaviour seems ridiculous to me. It's not personal. But what Holyhannah said is correct to a huge extent and I used a analogy to show it.

Any chance you could address what Sparkling said Madgran and Smileless

It's neither welcoming or un welcoming Starbaze; it's how I feel.

That's not an agenda Smileless it's how I feel.

Please explain how any of what you have said to me today is welcoming

Analagy Madgran

Analogy indeed, maybe not always appropriate depending on subject matter and where an OP is at in their situation. But each to our own.

Your agenda Starblaze that EAC aren't wanted or welcome on GN. That what they have to say is of no importance and that EP's only want to hear from other EP's etc.

One only has to look at the threads on the estrangement forum to know that isn't true and TBH I don't understand what your post @ 11.10 has to do with this thread anyway.

Yes it is, MoD and Summerlove

I spent a great deal of time explaining why it's not OK to call people "damaged" and why it was not the same as saying that certain things can cause damage recently.

Motherofdragons

*You can see posts on here from some very damaged adult children and their attitude to their parents*

What an ugly thing to say Sparkling. What gives you the impression that I’m “damaged”? What gives you the impression that any of the adult children on this board are “damaged”?

Does being “damaged” negate what we have to say?

I agree, incredibly unkind comment.

Analagy Madgran

You can see posts on here from some very damaged adult children and their attitude to their parents

What an ugly thing to say Sparkling. What gives you the impression that I’m “damaged”? What gives you the impression that any of the adult children on this board are “damaged”?

Does being “damaged” negate what we have to say?

It crosses over too strongly from work to other relationships and other aspects of life as you say

Yes but not the best description.

Madgran I agree, not funny, just true.

It crosses over too strongly from work to other relationships and other aspects of life as you say.

*Madgran they just have to be done before you get the sack lol especially if you have been suspended lol

Bad joke sorry*

A bad joke that I am afraid I don't find very funny in light of the OP.

Some very good advice/insight on here.
I agree with those who say she has had some big changes in her life and needs time and space to adjust to 2 major new relationships.
3 of our 4 married in their 20s and started to live their own lives, but eldest daughter didn't meet her soulmate until they were both in their 40s. Until then we had been very close but to my own surprise I experienced feelings of jealousy quite new to me. After a few clashes with new SiL I realised, best to back out and let them build their new lives together.
Thank God still friends with both of them, but there's still a little bit of tension, nowhere near the closeness of before.
And so glad that she's at last got a partner.

Madgran they just have to be done before you get the sack lol especially if you have been suspended lol

Bad joke sorry

Self reviews are important

Yes they are, I agree, in any area of life and for everyone.

What would such an agenda be Smileless?

Your existence doesn't make me uncomfortable Starblaze and for me it matters not if a poster is an EAC, EP/EGP or someone with no personal experience of estrangement.

What matters is what people post, if they can be objective despite their own experiences and if when posting, at the fore front of their mind is genuinely wanting to help someone who comes to GN looking for help as, Polly has done, rather than just pursuing their own agenda.

Hi Pantglas

I think it's also very important to listen to estranged children. We have told our stories here which have been accepted but sometimes our advice on untangling estrangement isn't what some people want to hear.

Obviously we are on gransnet, we qualify to be here. Our status as estranged children does not make us "younger" or less mature but we are often treated as such.

We get the short end of the stick in regards to having to be very careful how we put things because if it can be twisted it will be. It's not our fault our existence makes some uncomfortable.

We often get told to get over it or that we don't belong here.

Actually estranged children are of huge value in a lot of ways.

As are those who arent estranged at all who often say what we do but are ignored.

Its sad at times.

Its worth it to save a relationship, especially a mother/child one.

I am one of the reconciled parents that Starblaze mentions in her post and I do still read these threads and put my twopennorth in occasionally Polly.

I would agree with some of the posters who suggest a little distance before things decline into a full scale estrangement. There are things in your DD life that you won’t necessarily be privy to (and nor should you be, she’s an adult now) and if she needs time to sort herself out on her own and at her own speed, you need to respect that.

Get on with everything else you have in your life and just be ready when she comes to you, hopefully sooner rather than later. It’s not easy but it can be done?

When I am asked to self review by my employer, I talk about what I do well and my shortcomings. The shortcomings are the important part, what am I doing to overcome them? What areas do I need to educate and improve myself on? What have I accomplished towards it already? Self reviews are important. My employer is obviously happy with my constant improvement as I still have a job.

Ultimately it is their decision on whether I am/am working towards fulfilling my role in a positive, productive way.

BradfordLass, brilliant articulation there about a partner influencing negative feelings, Spot on

Welcome to GN Polly it's good to see you here but I'm sorry you've come because of the current situation with your D.

I've been unable to get on line so have only just found this thread. I hope, despite some of the posts on here that you're still reading.

I agree with Riskybusiness; there's no excuse for the way your D speaks to you regardless of any thing that may be going on in her life that you're unaware of. It's unlikely she'd speak to friends or her partner in that manner and in your position I'd refuse to engage with her until she can be polite.

An excellent post yesterday @23.24 Bradfordlass; very sensible.

As hard as it will be, as others have suggested I would take a step back and wait for your D to contact you. You may have thought about doing that already but be worried that if she doesn't contact you, you wont here from her which is understandable.

You mentioned that a date was given for you to 'pencil in' when you can visit so I'd wait until a day or two before, then contact her to see if the visit is still on. Apart from that, I'd do nothing.

If you're told that that date is no longer available, I'd suggest you say 'OK let me know when we can get together' and leave it at that.

As Madgran has posted, while there is contact there is hope that things will improve. Wait to hear from her and in the meantime take care of your mental and physical health. Not knowing from one conversation to the next, how your D's going to be with you is not good for either.

Parents don't get to "self review". Only our children can tell us how we are doing/how we did as parents..

What an arrogant statement. Of course parents "get to self review" and a good thing too when taking into account how some AC treat their parents.

It's always better to listen to advice from parents who have managed to reconnect with their children. Sometimes that connection is tenuous and far from perfect but it is a connection and something that can be built on over time. When the connection has become solid, they often don't visit these places which is a shame.

There are sadly some estranged parents here who have caused a lot of damage and are unwilling or unable to admit that their children are better off without them. Their children are undoing/have undone that damage and are happier and healthier as a result.

That is so painful and difficult to accept so they make the decision to see themselves perfect and blameless. Which is understandable in a way but it's not a healthy perspective for parents new to estrangement who still have a chance to save the relationship.

Parents don't get to "self review". Only our Children can tell us how we are doing/how we did as parents..

Surely in order to learn, to take responsibility, to consider ones own part in any situation, to understand, we all have to self review in terms of what we did, our part in some event, the impact of that on others.

Given the opportunity and with some of the thoughtful and clear advice on this thread about going over things, and considering her daughters perspectives and experience, Polly might be able to learn and understand and make decisions about the best way to move forward for her daughter and for herself.

BradfordLass73 -- "There are parents who have never been abusive (NB I never said, or even implied that "a little abuse" is okay) and have done all they can to be supportive and loving throughout the child's life." And again that is from YOUR POV... The only opinion/review of what your parenting was/looked like is from what your child(ren) say it was.

Parents don't get to "self review". Only our Children can tell us how we are doing/how we did as parents...

"In a case known to me..." 'insert story'... Yes... There is always some rare variant... They are the Unicorn cases and do not represent the majority of situations.