Gransnet forums


Why do our adult children do this to us?

(197 Posts)
Polly75 Mon 06-Jul-20 19:52:27

Here I am, found this site and thought I would find some comfort here, and find others who understand my pain.
My Daughter has estranged me it has been a gradual process over the past year, it was ok for short times then she would cut me out for months, this has been ongoing for some time, she has now shut me out of her life. We were good friends until she met a great guy settled down and had a beautiful Daughter. My D had no trama or anything during her younger years to of caused this behaviour and nastiness towards me, if anything I over indulged her and loved her to much I guess. I do not understand why, and why she would wish to cause me this hurt & pain I do not see my only Granddaughter either. I am alone now and she is fully aware of my loneliness, but she does not seem to care. Even during the covid times she did not make contact to see if I was ok. I feel torn apart by this, and will never understand Why ...

Hithere Sun 27-Sep-20 13:45:22


Thank you for your compliments!

Starblaze Sun 27-Sep-20 13:58:16



I do actually appreciate posters who are honest about their views, whether I agree with them or not.... At least maybe there is a chance for a real discussion. Not sure what the percentage of chance is, keeping an open mind.

I hate the passive aggressive stuff, it only gives you the option of a passive aggressive response because if you address it, you get denial.

I'm just not engaging it in future.

Especially as I don't like threads being derailed either... I want OPs to get what they ask for whether that is plain support, honest advice or a general discussion where we are all welcome within guidelines

HolyHannah Sun 27-Sep-20 14:21:25

Starblaze -- I agree. The title of the thread is "Why do our adult children do this to us?" and questions have been posed and answered.

No one is obliged to like those answers.

One answer could be that, "Adult children (especially those that estrange) are immature. Selfish. Entitled. Spoiled. Ungrateful. Unforgiving. And just want to "be in control" and all kinds of other things..." up to and including being just plain broken/wrong.


It could be that the adult child had a different idea/view on what they want their relationship to be like with their adult parent (different expectations).

Whether there was abuse in the home as a child or not, there can still be unhealthy expectations flowing down from the parents that tends to be the core of conflicts.

If someone can't accept that differing opinions can be expressed here, are they capable of listening/understanding/caring what their own AC feel/believe? I think the answer is NO because many EP's have been sent a letter 'explaining' the issues and I have never heard ONE say, "My child wrote me a very well thought out/concise letter explaining the problems they are having in our relationship. It gave me pause for thought and I embraced what my child was saying and made some changes to improve our situation. Moving forward I am going to endeavor to not repeat those mistakes."

sparklingsilver28 Sun 27-Sep-20 14:53:29

PetitFromage - I whole heartedly endorse your comment

From experience, Polly75, you need to detach yourself completely from your daughter's life. When she swears or makes nasty comments either in person, by phone or text, refuse to dignify her with a response. Refuse to engage!

Fill your days with things that absorb your whole being. Simply enjoy the pleasure of being you! Once your daughter becomes aware she has no power to hurt you things will change. When they do, make no reference to her past behaviour, and if she start again simply detach yourself again.

Find strength and courage and enjoy an independent life.

Madgran77 Sun 27-Sep-20 15:52:07

many EP's have been sent a letter 'explaining' the issues and I have never heard ONE say, "My child …….explaining the problems they are having in our relationship. It gave me pause for thought and I embraced what my child was saying and made some changes to improve our situation. Moving forward I am going to endeavor to not repeat those mistakes."

I believe that is exactly what FriendlyGhost said a few weeks back, but she appears to have disappeared again!

Starblaze Sun 27-Sep-20 16:08:47

Ah, wasn't that the one that had been a bit controlling and enmeshed Madgran? I think an EP kept calling her abusive even though she had reconsiled and worked on things because she hadn't meant to hurt her own child... That shocked me, maybe she left because of it? Hope not

Madgran77 Sun 27-Sep-20 16:20:13

I don't remember that Starblaze, just vaguely remember the posters description of being reconciled and how it came about

Starblaze Sun 27-Sep-20 16:28:19

I remember because, it was kind of the dream but she was nothing like my mum really. Mine is hurtful on purpose. Who knows what tiny little me ever did to deserve that

Smileless2012 Sun 27-Sep-20 17:57:40

I don't remember that either Madgran but I do remember Friendlyghost posting. It was good to hear about her reconciliation.

Chewbacca Sun 27-Sep-20 19:38:02

Maybe FriendlyGhost will pay us another visit at some point to update us.

Smileless2012 Sun 27-Sep-20 20:05:15

It would be good to know how she's getting on wouldn't it Chewbacca.

Smileless2012 Sun 27-Sep-20 20:34:19

I've just been looking at the thread FriendlyGhost started and she disappeared about page 6 or 7. No unpleasantness I'm glad to say from an EP or anyone else for that matter.

Same with the only other thread she posted on that I could find. Perhaps GN just wasn't where she wanted to be.

Yogagirl Mon 28-Sep-20 08:27:10

Polly hasn't posted again since the first page, what a shame, when she asked for help & support her page got hijacked by the EAC. Namsnanny did suggest she move onto our support page, but as yet she hasn't. sad

Starblaze Mon 28-Sep-20 09:40:34

Yogagirl perhaps you should find some calm and meditate on this:

Most people here just want to give their advice without being aggressively disagreed with, told they shouldn't be here or misunderstood without being asked for clarity.

That's what derails threads, when posters are forced to defend themselves when they aren't talking to anyone but OP in the first instance.

Let us have a voice, we are allowed here too.

Smileless2012 Mon 28-Sep-20 12:46:23

It would have been good to see her on the support thread Yogagirl especially as it's evident from her OP that she's understandably hurt and confused.

JGran Sat 03-Oct-20 15:07:58

Polly75; I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is painful to be blocked from grandchildren. I am in that situation right now myself.

Clearly there is something under this and some of this may have been building since a teen. We think that it will get better as they mature, but sometimes it is just festering and will explode and here we are.

I like the idea of writing to your daughter. I've considered writing to my son.

Mine will likely begin with "I hope to have a healthy, happy life with you and your family as an important part of my life..." Beyond that I struggle at the moment.

Smileless2012 Sat 03-Oct-20 15:36:16

That sounds like a good beginning JGran, you could write that down and then see what followssmile.

Tweedle24 Sat 03-Oct-20 17:36:16

I am confused. You say in your initial post that you and your daughter were good friends until recently. In another you say she badmouthed and swore at you.

Just wondering if her partner has any part to play in this. Is she still in touch with your other daughter? Does she still see and go out with her friends?

I am probably reading the wrong page completely but, we all know that possessive people can discourage their partners from having a life outside their household. Is this a possibility?

Smileless2012 Sat 03-Oct-20 17:57:03

It certainly looks that way from Polly's original post Tweedle. There are numerous examples of parents who have been estranged from the AC they were once extremely close too, due to the influence of their partner's.

Lavazza1st Thu 08-Oct-20 00:06:05

So sorry Polly, thats painful. I really hope you're able to put up some boundaries to protect yourself from your daughter's dismissal.
My son was verbally hostile/ aggressive the other night when we took him some things to his new flat, so we just walked out and said we were going home. I later sent a brief message to his wife to explain that we hadn't visited the next day because son was hostile and we didn't think it was good for their son to see his Dad like that.
We didn't add that we were very upset by his aggression, but we were. DIL sent me a video of the baby and just said "morning" but hasn't commented on his behaviour. He checks her messages though, so he could have deleted it before she saw it. Since we left there he hasn't contacted us and we feel it's best to let him calm down.

Hopefully it won't end up in estrangement, if enough space is given for things to work out and feelings calm down. I hope all of you with estranged kids find peace and harmony, with or without them. My eldest never returned and it's been a year and a half now. You dont deserve to be abused, though.

BlueBelle Thu 08-Oct-20 07:07:34

Dear Polly I would imagine after so many strident remarks and disagreements you are long gone
You came looking for explanations which no one can give but the fly on the wall
I think you were mainly looking for some support and because many posters were disagreeing with each other that support went by the wayside
I think one way forward would be to get some one to one counselling which would help you perhaps look at things differently in a more gently way without the personal conflicts that this thread had brought forth
If I was you I would have left the building on page 1
As you asked for help in July I m hoping you may have found some peace or/and acceptance in the months between
Take care