Inside the mind of an Emotional Child Abuser...

"If those hadn't happened, it would have been some other real or imagined event that they clung to"

How can anyone type that and believe themselves?

A little irresponsible to put it on a thread with a disclaimer that it might be a trigger for vulnerable people.

I did read it by the way.

How to get your children to care about Your feelings...

Traumatize them! That'll 'work'...

Some of the follow-up comments are equally cringe.

I have never heard an EP explain in such detail their mentality when obviously abusing their own child.

That said, I always felt like the way my 'mom' treated me was for exactly 'reasons' like that. I'm unhappy/unfulfilled/feel 'unloved' so I'm going to make you feel "the same". It's sad to see confirmation on that.

I used to run off a lot in shops etc. My mum treated me more like an accessory. I was just there to look pretty in a frilly dress. Children do that when you don't keep them engaged and part of what you are doing.

My Dad once told me that she would do the thing we all do as parents, give pictures of children to relatives etc. The thing is, my mum was always in them. My Dad thought it was hilarious that she would give his family members pictures that were mostly of herself. Even after they divorced.

I was just a doll until I became a young teen and suddenly competition somehow. I was then physically as well as emotionally neglected.

It's just sad, we aren't our own peopleto them, we have to be whatever it is they need us to be. Which generally means making them look good in public and being an emotional punchbag in private.

That's OK though because they made us, they own us and we should be grateful.

Starblaze -- When We have never received anything like an explanation of "why" from our own parent(s) I found the post very therapeutic.

The OP certainly has clarity of her actions and I can certainly see how my own 'mom' would apply a similar 'logic'... Something in hearing 'that' showed me it was not Me.

I couldn't stand that forum. The number of posters there that say the reason for their estrangement is the EAC accusing a family member of sexually abusing them and the EP calls them a liar, is so sad.

There is no accountability on that forum. Even if what someone does is clear abuse under the law, they all just say everyone makes mistakes. Abandoning child at store is neglect under the law (at least where I am). A child can't be left alone under 12.

Now I remember why I refused to read anymore on there.

For all her honestly and insight into her actions, she still finishes up her post with:

I am wondering now if things such as the ones I have stated could set us up for estrangement?

You think?

I have heard my mum apply similar logic, not with regard to behaviours towards me, but other people.

I think it's the very tip of an iceberg here

Oh yes MoD -- she did arrive at the usual denial... The rest was chilling in its clarity.

"My husband doesn't love Me." -- Takes 'it' out on her child...

"I feel like a criminal." -- Yes... Child abandonment and endangerment IS a criminal act...

“My husband doesn't love Me." -- Takes 'it' out on her child...

My parents not getting along always escalated my mother’s crazy. Always.

Ironflower that forum is grim!

There is no accountability on that forum

There is zero accountability there.

It was similar on here when the first estrangement threads began to appear around 7ish years ago. But it has got slightly better in recent years.

torontosun.com/life/relationships/ask-amy-mother-worries-about-daughters-rage

Not that it totally goes with the post but it does go to the theme... I wonder who the Golden Child is?

Keymaster
This is from the moderater(?) on the original link:
"I started to write a long response here, but the bottom line is that this forum is more about moving forward than looking back. Looking back only works to a point. It’s a natural response, but there’s a danger in keeping your eyes focused there. As I say in the book, when you’re looking for “reasons” in your own parenting, you’ll find every miniscule thing and magnify it out of proportion. "
I've been reading the estrangement threads on and off over the years but haven't joined in even though I had a similar relationship with my own mother. Plus some positives.
To be honest these repetitive negative posts don't help me at all. Resentment and hate are destuctive.
Move on and make the best of it. including trying to be good parents ourselves. It's not easy.

I guess it depends if you want to move forward without the relationship or fix it.

I'm estranged but I would become unestranged if there was evidence of real change and growth.

Perhaps I shouldn't think that way though but it's my mum so it's not easy to slam that door fully. She is obviously a deeply hurt individual on some level to abuse me and I couldn't fix her but maybe one day she could fix herself.

Starblaze -- I thinks that's the issue. We desperately want our parent(s) to see what they are doing/ have done and the damage it caused. This 'mom' was definitely 'seeing' something and then just decided, "It just wasn't that big of a deal..."

So she had her daughter (and admitting to drinking while pregnant) who may have FAS issues, Autism (un-diagnosed until later in life) Bi-Polar and an auto-immune condition?

Again, she minimizes these elements and basically blames them for her daughter's "distorted memory". How convenient. Much like my own 'mom' who literally drove Me to insanity, there this 'mom' is blaming conditions that she either contributed to or ignored and manages to still convince herself she was a "good mom".

I guess so long as they manage to survive their child-hood that makes you a "good" parent. I think there's a little more to "good" parenting then that...

Yes, I'm getting it. How can we grow, learn or improve in any way without looking deeply at our past behaviour

Hannah and Starblaze - it sounds as if you want the impossible. My Mum died nearly 20 years ago so it's impossible for me.
This is good advice:
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
Now I have adult children of my own I try not to make the same mistakes but don't always succeed.

Starblaze -- It is helpful for one to look, but there seems to be a disconnect between 'seeing' and comprehending the magnitude of actions.

An 8/9 year old Autistic child is already having issues with understanding their environment due to their condition and add the confusion of an emotionally immature/abusive parent to that? That poor child...

It's heartbreaking, truly.

Agreed a very sad situation.
But what's the point of just holding your hands up in horror?
Hoping to follow up on this, but can't until Sunday mid am.
Bon weekend to all.

Have a good weekend Fennel

I love the Serenity prayer Fennel; you have a good weekend too.