Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

Dawn22

Hi Dibby
You may always have been proud of her but now is not the time to feel proud of her. She is letting herself down and you down by her treatment of you.

Young people and particularly young women have a real sense of entitlement these days and frequently give there mother's a hard time of it primarily because they know they can.

Love them but privately take your foot off the pride accelerator. Send a kind but neutral card with love from Mom or from your loving Mom. Your duty vs a vis her birthday is done and you have kept the door open
Pride in her won't currently serve you well as her recent behaviour is not nice.
Take care from Dawn.

Hi Dawn 22 , thank you for your comments, and yes ,you are right, I’m saying that I’m proud I’d my daughter, but, like you say , now is NOT the time to feel proud of her as I have well and truly been let down by her treatment of me . I have mixed feelings , one of love for her because she is my daughter and one of dislike for her because of the hurt she has caused me , and her brother. If I had done or said something that is totally unforgivable then I could well understand her attitude, but, I know I have not , I have always been decent Mum , worked hard to give them my best ( I’ve been divorced 30 odd years ) and have always been there to help and to listen to all that she has to say . I may not be perfect , I have my downfalls , but then so does everyone else , but on the whole , I've been kind caring and a happy mum . x

Thank you all for your comments / advice it’s much appreciated. I’m still in bit limbo as to what to do , but, after reading all your posts , I think the best way forward is,, as most say , send her just a simple card saying with love from Mum .
I never thought for one moment that I’d be in this position, I’d always been led to believe that I’d had a fairly good relationship with my daughter, and this could not have come at a worse time . I do feel so very hurt by her attitude towards me , and even though she is my first born , deep down I don’t think I could ever forgive somehow , as I could never ever have done this to my own mum . I also feel so desperately for my son, as he says he feels very upset his sister has done this and feels that his family are falling apart . When my son told me how it hurts him , I did post a little note through my daughters letterbox to say that can we please resolve this as she is not just hurting me but she is hurting her brother also , but even that has been ignored . It’s beyond my wildest dreams that she can do this to me as all I’ve done is love her . This has hurt me so deeply .

For me Toadinthehole's post was very informative and gave a perspective from an EAC I haven't seen before.

It's being assumed that Dibbydod's D wont welcome a card from her but we don't know do we. I advised her to think carefully as much for her own welfare as her D's, as not having a card acknowledged may hurt Dibbydod even more and she's been through so much already.

It's a card. If her D doesn't want to read it she can just throw it away. If her D regards it as harassment no doubt she'll contact her and say not to send anything else.

On the other hand she may view it the way Toadinthehole viewed receiving cards from her mother, that that was all she can do in the circumstances, she may appreciate the effort and see it as the door being left open by her mum, should she ever see things differently.

I agree Madgran, no thread needs to dissolve into an argument and should never become personal.

As you say Chewbacca depending on any response from her D, positive or negative or no response, Dibbydob can then decide how to proceed.

Not really no, that's just my honest opinion. You can obviously do as you wish. I'll leave you to it

My opinion/advice is to send a birthday card. It's the first birthday since the breakdown in the relationship and so is an olive branch. If the card elicits either no response or a negative response, a decision can then be taken as to how Dibbydob can move on.

That is pretty much saying don’t express an honest opinion

It looks that way doesn't it Lucca?

I dont think any thread has to be an argument. It can be a discussion, a debate, it doesnt have to be an argument and yes, certainly shouldn't get personal.

“ Turning a post into an argument against advice people don't like or that doesn't align with what they want to do/have already done, will not help the OP at all.”
That is pretty much saying don’t express an honest opinion?

I think discussion threads are different to threads asking for advice really Madgran (unless it gets personal) but ok

Turning a post into an argument against advice people don't like or that doesn't align with what they want to do/have already done, will not help the OP at all

I think that is very true on any thread.

?

Hithere ultimately OP will choose the advice they want to follow.

It's not a competition, the winning advice doesn't get a prize.

Turning a post into an argument against advice people don't like or that doesn't align with what they want to do/have already done, will not help the OP at all.

Thanks starblaze

I am very much pro reconciliation.

I used to get cards from my mum, even though there were problems. I saw it as a way back if I’d needed it. I didn’t, so no harm done. I did appreciate her trying in the only way she knew. What will be will be, whether cards are sent or not

That is interesting to see a measured and thoughtful response to the dilemma toadinthehole , allowing for the EPs perspective whilst sticking to meeting your own needs.

I don't think that's fair at all to say Hithere is anti reconsiliation.

My advice was to send no card and respect the child's adult decision.

This recommendation comes from an estranged child who talks to many other estranged children, the majority of whom get upset and/or angry when they receive cards they don't want.

If they are upset or angry with mum, whether or not mum agrees with why they are upset or angry, getting a card will just make most adult estranged children more upset and angry on what should be a happy day.

Then mum has even more negative emotion attached to them for not respecting their adult child's request for space.

This is the simple truth of the situation, give the adult child whatever kind of space they want and need right now and maybe they will come around.

That's pro reconsiliation, not anti.

A birthday card isn't what they need right now. What they need is space and time to figure things out. During this time, if they are owed an apology, this is what you should send, with an offer to really hear what they need to say to you, perhaps counsellimg/mediation and then a promise to not contact them and a hope they will contact you when ready.

This contact should come on a random boring day.

If they reply and what they need to say comes angry or with swearing, most parents should be able to cope with that and filter it out to see where the pain is coming from.

If parents can't truly listen, and respect their adult child's boundaries, then they probably need to get some sort of counselling and help to move forward and enjoy life without their child.

Doesn't matter if the adult child is right or wrong. You have to deal with how they feel now before you can get to whether they should feel that way.

Any good trained counsellor experienced in estrangement would probably advise this.

That just about sums it up Lucca "always assuming fault in the parent".

I wonder why it's OK for an AC to tell their parent that when and if they decide to talk to them it will be on their terms. Can you imagine the flack if a parent posted on GN that that's what they'd said to their AC?

Hithere you give the impression of never wanting estranged families to be reconciled, and moreover of always assuming fault in the parent. Surely there is room for manoeuvre

Send her one you be the better person. We all have to live with ourselves and our actions. Good luck x

No giving up on your child has different meanings

For me, it means honest communication and cooperation yo have a good relationship

Sending a card does not address anything

You’re welcome Smileless. Hithere, your analogy makes no sense. Birthday cards are a non confrontational way of showing someone you still care even if they don’t. If you were banging on their door, refusing to move until they’d spoken to you, then you’d have a point. Like Smileless, If I was in that situation, I would never give up on my child. Attitudes toward a parent can be entirely different.

Smileless

If any adult child needs to specify what specific detailed rules would like to implement, it would take a whole encyclopedia

No talk
No smoke signals
No pidgeon messages
No cards
No text messages
No voice messages
No morse code
No magazine subscriptions
No presents
No third party messages
Etc

And yet, OP would find an action that is not in the list and use it as a loophole

In her OP Dibbydodd has said her D said "if and when" she decides to "talk" to her again "it will be on her terms".

No mention of any rules with regard to sending or not sending cards.

Hithere

Let me rephrase

"I will contact you when I am ready"
"I will contact you when I want your cup of tea"

You can ask not to get bday cards/cup of tea. You can choose not to celebrate your bday, or how to celebrate it.

It is your prerogative as an adult. Choose how you would like to live.

A mother does not have permission to ignore those rules expecting no consequences for breaking the rules and ignoring what the other person wants.
No DNA link is strong enough for that magic wand to exist.

So harsh. I stand by my opinion.

Send a card, with love.

Let me rephrase

"I will contact you when I am ready"
"I will contact you when I want your cup of tea"

You can ask not to get bday cards/cup of tea. You can choose not to celebrate your bday, or how to celebrate it.

It is your prerogative as an adult. Choose how you would like to live.

A mother does not have permission to ignore those rules expecting no consequences for breaking the rules and ignoring what the other person wants.
No DNA link is strong enough for that magic wand to exist.