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Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

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Orangerose Mon 13-Jul-20 11:27:14

Agree with all comments. Nice card signed with love. Hope it works out for you. ?

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25Avalon Mon 13-Jul-20 11:27:05

Yes I agree with previous posts. Do send with simple message. If she doesn’t reply you will have tried your best and you will have told her you love her.

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Smileless2012 Mon 13-Jul-20 11:24:59

Hello Dibbydod. You really have been through a very difficult time which is ongoing in respect of your relationship with your D; I'm so sorryflowers.

I cannot understand why any AC would be unable to accept an apology from their parent who was heartbroken and struggled to come to terms with the loss of their much loved partner.

Even if you'd never been particularly close, and please believe me when I say I am not suggesting that is the case, how could someone be so heartless!

The first birthday following estrangement is the hardest I think. That is when you have a huge decision to make; to send or not send a card. You need to be sure why you take whatever decision you decide upon.

There may understandably be a part of you that hopes she'll contact you if she gets a card from her mum. Even if you tell yourself you expect nothing, if you don't hear from her you're going to be hurt. How will that affect you? Will you be able to deal with this additional pain?

As it's your D whose decided to go no contact with you, is it likely that she'll be upset if she doesn't get a card? She may be more upset if one arrives in the post.

Of course you love and miss your D, estrangement has to be experienced before the depth of pain it brings can be understood.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 7.5 years now and I can only speak from our personal experience when I say that with time, although the hurt and upset never goes away, it does diminish and the desire to be contacted by him, for me more than for Mr. S. has all but disappeared. We have never sent him a card for his birthday since he estranged us.

As you've posted, there would always I think be the fear that he would estrange us again and that would a constant cloud over any future relationship we could have. Then there's the prospect of constantly walking on eggshells for fear of saying or doing the 'wrong' thing.

If you do decide to send her a card be prepared to have it ignored. IMO you need to do what is right for you, whatever is going to help you get through this first birthday.

My advice would be to avoid a sentimental 'loving' card and to keep your own message short and sweet.

Take care of yourself.

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Oopsminty Mon 13-Jul-20 11:17:40

Septimia

I say send one. Pick one with a very simple greeting (Happy Birthday) and just put 'Love from Mum' or similar. Don't put anything else, especially any comments about the situation. It doesn't matter what she does with it, you'll have made the effort.

I agree

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Feelingmyage55 Mon 13-Jul-20 11:17:39

I’d send flowers and a card. Sign simply “with love”.

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Caramac Mon 13-Jul-20 11:17:24

I agree with @Septimia, send her a simple card with a simple Happy Birthday, Love Mum xx

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Septimia Mon 13-Jul-20 11:07:42

I say send one. Pick one with a very simple greeting (Happy Birthday) and just put 'Love from Mum' or similar. Don't put anything else, especially any comments about the situation. It doesn't matter what she does with it, you'll have made the effort.

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Dibbydod Mon 13-Jul-20 10:36:07

I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.

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