I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.
Digby, so sorry I posted, as I can see it's an older post and the birthday come and gone, you did what you thought best at the time. I just didn't read previous 9 pages, which in future I will do when posting, as I don't come on here daily I don't always do that and I should. All the best.
Just send the card, love mom, you're not a stalker or controlling, just a loving mom who misses her daughter. How can anyone forget that day you deliver your child, that love doesn't die, you can't forget, why should you. As for her reconnecting, that might not happen yet if at all. It's hard to live with that reality, but I'm afraid it's her choice and has to be faced. A card doesn't cost much, if it were me I would continue to send them as long as I had her address, but don't beg to see her or anything, she could see it as pressure, just love mom and miss you. Short and sweet.
varian -- It really depends on the situation how cards and such should be handled. For Me, receiving anything would just be considered a manipulation tactic.
Pictures from 'happy' times? I bet if my 'mom' did that I would look at each photo and remember what she did that particular day that ruined the 'good time'. I don't think her idea of fun/good times and mine would match up. Let's just say that's a "memory lane" I don't want to go down and she can keep her pictorial 'evidence' of what a great 'mom' she was. I remember the truth with or without the forced smile pictures/torture I had to endure.
To this day I hate having my picture taken because I hate lies and lying and the forced 'happy'/smiling childhood photo's are just that -- Lies. I think it would just be showing Me how unhealthy she still is, if she still believes I was truly happy as a child, by sending such pictures. I've kinda made it clear I was not.
All the more reason for her to be positive.
Her daughter hasn’t given any negativity.
I still think that in spite of all the negativity from her daughter, the OP should do something positive.
Possibly her son may be able to help.
varian sadly it didn't work out for OP which was very upsetring for her
In a relationship that is mostly bad, the good moments are painful too because it's like being shown a possibility you cannot have
Very true
You should always send your daughter a birthday card . What harm could that do?
The day she was born was a very important day in your life.
I usually make my own birthday cards for children and grandchildren, using photos of happy times.
Just a suggestion.
In a relationship that is mostly bad, the good moments are painful too because it's like being shown a possibility you cannot have.
It is also widely understood that abusive people use constantly changing behaviour to keep you off balance and good behaviour to reel you back in when they sense you pulling away...
So thats relevant too
Absolutely. And while I would say my that my MIL was emotionally absolve I accept that is my view and others would not agree. And even so those are not the reasons she was CO. It’s just one of the many reasons I dislike her and why I will never have a relationship with her.
So let’s just say that the reason we estranged Was not because of abuse.
I don’t care. She brings nothing to our lives. So a relationship would only be because she was sad. And by this point. We just don’t care.
"Seeing someone occasionally doesn't hurt"
If the person does not change the hurtful behaviour, it hurts a LOT.
It is like picking a scab from a wound - it will never heal if you dont leave it alone
I agree that "some positive memories" don't mean someone should have be in a particular adult relationship. That said, are some negative memories reason to estrange?
Not every case of estrangement is about abuse.
“seeing a person occasionally can’t hurt”
Depending on what that person has done, it most definitely can hurt. Every case is different, there are no hard and fast rules
No abusive person is ever abusive 24/7. Abuse goes in cycles. By definition, there will be positive moments in an abusive situation. For example, I read about a case where a child was brought into foster care and brought dozens of toys with her from home. Turned out these were "gifts" given to her as a "reward" by the people who were sexually abusing her.
"Some positive memories" doesn't mean that people should have a relationship with another adult. No adult has a right to have a relationship with another adult.
But it does hurt. Just the existence of the relationship huts.
And then of course by the very existence of this thread they just don’t respect the boundaries.
Instead rhinestone please help me understand why someone should put up with a relationship that they don’t want.
Family and responsibility is my guess. Along with “seeing a person occasionally can’t hurt”
Someone cutting my monthly heals too. But I’d rather not see the person so I don’t get cut.
There may have been positives for my husband.
But we are two individuals and not one unit.
So for me I have had no positives. So I want nothing to do with her. I’ve always said he must make his own choices and learn to live with them.
For him what she has done hurts more because of who she is. His own mother did them. Out of 3 children all have had years of estrangement with her coming on and off again. Blood doesn’t mean you have to put up with someone.
Instead rhinestone please help me understand why someone should put up with a relationship that they don’t want.
I honestly don’t know what advice to give you smileless
I can only say that if you were my mum I would want you to think of yourself.
I would be worried that you would put him above yourself and there is the worrying possibility of future heartache when you’ve been in such a brilliant place emotionally.
I am so sorry about your mum, please lean on your DH and those around you who support you.
Thank you Rhinestone
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No relationship is without it's ups and downs and where there have been some positives, as you've suggested wouldn't talking too and/or seeing that person/people even occasionally be an alternative to estrangement?
I do get that Bibbity "Her actions and choices hurt us" that's precisely how we feel about our son
.
My husband and children make me happy every day so I Just don't understand that thought at all. There are problems of course, nothing is perfect but that doesn't impact my overall love and appreciation for my family. Problems just need to be dealt with.
Why would we want to see her at all?
Her actions and choices hurt us. So we don’t want her in our lives at all?
I don’t care about how she feels about that. I don’t care what hurt that causes her. It’s her problem.
We are happy, happier without her.
Our marriage would never have survived with her around so our children are better off as well.
Yes Rhinestone if my marriage brought me nothing but misery I would divorce. What a ridiculous comparison.
If a relationship damages you as a person then anyone is well within their rights to peace out.
We’re not obligated to have a relationship with her because she happened to give birth to one of us.
I don't know who Rhinestone is on here but, by golly! she talks some sense. ?
Bibbity If someone is making you miserable and doesn’t bring you happiness would that be a reason to cut them off permanently. Who gets happiness from our spouses, children or friends all the time?
Would just talking to or seeing them occasionally be an acceptable alternative?
Why does that warrant an estrangement?
I’m trying to understand what you mean.
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