Smileless By the way you did the right thing by responding to your ES as like you’re said it must have been hard for him to email you
Gransnet forums
Estrangement
Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?
(384 Posts)I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.
Rhinestone
No one does, personally I do prefer facts to opinions... Don't you?
Smileless My heart goes out to you for your loss . You have been a steady force of reason and common sense on here. I want nothing but peace for you as you mourn and try to come to terms with all of this.
One day at a time as they say . Hugs
Summerlove We are all giving opinions here. That is my opinion. You don’t have to like it or accept it.
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful messages.
That's good advice Bibbity, thanks.
Aww, bless you Smileless. Maybe as one door closes another will open. Sad to hear about your mum, but good that your son has made a start at contacting you. Tread carefully though, and keep positive ?.
I’m very sorry for your loss smileless
Sincere condolances Smileless. What a difficult way to hear about the death of your mother. I hope the funeral preparations go as smoothly as possible. Please look after yoursel
Rhinestone, no one needs to justify their choices to estrange.
You aren’t their judge.
I am so sorry, Smileless.
We are here for you.
smileless
You matter. You are grieving and I can’t imagine how you would even begin to process what has happened with your mum.
While what’s happened is brilliant please don’t put your needs and grieving process on the back burner to accommodate him now. If he is genuine he will go at your pace.
Condolences Smileless and kind thoughts to you and all your family x?
I found out this week that my mum has died. She died the day before I was told and due to some difficult and upsetting circumstances I received the news from a cousin. I was also unaware that she'd been admitted to hospital 3 days before.
Trying to get my head around what has happened, making funeral arrangements etc. has been a nightmare. I'm heartbroken and feeling very vulnerable. The very last thing I expected, was to receive an email from our ES.
I have no idea how I feel about this and didn't know whether or not to respond.
I have responded partly because I know how much it must have taken for him to contact me after more than 7 years. For me, that deed needed to be not just acknowledged, but appreciated.
So I'm afraid that's just your perception
Isn't that the case for everyone's opinions and thoughts on the matter? 
Rhinestone advising estranged parents how contact is likely to be received by their child is concern for how their actions may make the situation worse and lead to further pain for the estranged parent.
So I'm afraid that's just your perception.
Rhinestone
Abuse isn’t the only reason to cut off. If someone is making your miserable. If they don’t bring you happiness why should somebody suffer because of some pre conceived notion of ‘family’
HollyHannah I HAVE been on here long enough to see some who like to stalk these posts and complain of trivial things.
I’m tired of hearing AC who are estranged tell us that we don’t respect them because we send cards or we are rude when we do that. Since when does the estranged child get to make the rules ? There are no rules when it comes to estrangement. Please stop berating parents who do loving things. If you don’t like what the EP say leave the thread.
Yes I left out sexual abuse but considered it physical Starblaze
BibbityI have no idea what you are talking about “ higher standards” and what is a CO?
Rhinestone
Some of us have higher standards in our lives. I’m not going to feel bad for that.
We don’t need counselling.
The problem has been resolved by the CO. Easy peasy.
Rhinestone -- "I am boiling mad. If you estranged yourself because of physical or verbal abuse you have justification for doing so. But if you are estranged for anything less you should be ashamed of yourself. Estranging yourself for trivial and petty things is ridiculous. Grow up and get yourself some counseling." -- Why so angry? I have yet to meet an EAC who did so for "trivial and petty things". As for throwing around 'shame' and telling people to "grow up" I always find that offensive and many of Us have been through extensive therapy. Saying things like that invalidates the work some of Us have done.
"The rest of us have pulled up our big boy or big girl panties and move on and support each other. If you can’t take the heat get out of the fire.
You know who you are !" -- I am not as certain of that as you.
Welcome back Rhinestone, good to see you posting again.
Oh Rhinestone I just read your second comment.
Physical abuse. Check
Verbal abuse. Check
Sexual abuse but who is counting by this point.
Perhaps it would be safe to assume estranged children here have experienced abuse..
Otherwise no I don't know who you are talking about
Rhinestone it's a lot to unpick, it's not related to this thread specifically it it has happened on a few others which meant I shouldn't really have brought it up here... Hard to keep track of where I am at times. Happy to Pm as really don't want to derail people's threads.
Ok to all who are on this thread ... I am boiling mad. If you estranged yourself because of physical or verbal abuse you have justification for doing so. But if you are estranged for anything less you should be ashamed of yourself. Estranging yourself for trivial and petty things is ridiculous. Grow up and get yourself some counseling.
Get off this thread if you just want to whine and complain and take no action.
I have been on here for almost six years and have found the people on here to be genuinely loving and caring and supportive.
And the English language is ridiculous. What is that about?
The rest of us have pulled up our big boy or big girl panties and move on and support each other. If you can’t take the heat get out of the fire.
You know who you are !
Starblaze I am shocked that you would say that you can’t talk about your parents on this thread. I responded to you about your mother. Who told you here that you can’t talk?
And why can’t you start your own thread? I didn’t there were rules against that.
Are you just saying this because you think you can’t or do you really know you can’t start your own?
Dibbydod I’m proud of you. You did the right thing. You showed your care and love and we all know you truly meant it. I’m sorry your daughter chose not to respond but you are a role model for good behavior.
Keep doing what your heart tells you. We are not perfect people and maybe our children are disappointed when they grow up and realize that. You just feel good inside about your choice.
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