Reunited..... but not

It would be lovely to hear how you get on Lucyloo, maybe come back and let us know at some point?

Yes, take care Lucyloo12, and all the very best for you?

"They need to see a stronger Granny" yes they do Lucyloo so take care of yourself and you'll be the strong granny they need and deserve.

Thank you all so much for your advice, many ideas for me to think over. I will bear in mind how this looks to the grandchildren, they need to see a stronger Granny. Thank you x

Do not put up with this a moment longer. It’s not good for your grandchildren to see such behaviour, and absolutely no good for you. Visit the thread..” unacceptable behaviour “, running at the minute, but please don’t think you’re helping your grandchildren, all you’re doing is showing them it’s fine for their mum to treat you like this. I wish you the very best?

Spot on and well done 3nanny6!

3nanny

Lucyloo12 ; I am sorry to hear that your daughter is treating you the way she is. Your daughter is back because she has
separated from her husband and now is happy to give you the job of childcare after she has not spoken to you or allowed you to see the grand-children for 18 months. As well as that she is happy to accept clothes and shoes for the children, and then disrespects you. Is it any wonder you feel sad and low and too frightened to speak. That ex -partner of yours sounds a nasty piece of work as well and not someone I would want around children.

Most of what you have posted I have had the same thing with my daughter and at the moment am still trying to work through it. I am at the point where I will not be her doormat any longer and certainly will not be bad-mouthed to when she was given every opportunity when growing up to take herself to a level where she could have secured a well paid
career but threw that away. I am not sure which way things will go with my daughter and I love the grand-children a lot,
but I will have her respect and also keep my own dignity by being allowed to enjoy my own life with or without her in it, that will be her choice.

Urmstongran

GagaJo ? I can understand your reasoning.

One of many reasons working overseas works for me.

I admire your pragmatic approach GagaJo and hope things work out well.

GagaJo ? I can understand your reasoning.

Thankyou Gagajo. I hope that the OP finds it helpful.

Madgran, that is a really helpful post. Lots of ways to take action without being confrontational and causing a possible estrangement.

Lucyloo12

This is so hard for you

I think there are 3 areas to consider:

1. Yourself and your mental health. Dealing with this will help you in dealing with the situation. As advised, please consider seeing your GP about depression. Consider, maybe through your GP, getting counselling. In order to deal with these difficulties you need to deal with the situation in which you find yourself, your own feelings, fears, sadness and depression.

2. Your relationship with your daughter. You are scared of losing contact with your grandchildren and that means that you feel unable to respond , set boundaries, consider how to deal with the difficulties in the relationship I think. That fear is understandably taking over. When she talks about you to someone else and you feel it is untrue, there is little point defending yourself, you dont have to. I would suggest responses like "I accept that is your perspective on me". "I accept you feel like that". That way, you are acknowledging she feels like that, not agreeing with it. The same if she says something about your ex. I understand this is hard, the instinct to defend oneself is normal, but if you know it will result in ciu off and you dont want that to happen, this might be a way to show her that you know your viewpoints are different, without entering into arguments. It also tells her you have heard what shes saying! When she says the kids need stuff just say "Oh!". Then you can decide later what you wish to buy, not buy. If she asks you for money to buy stuff, say you will think about what you can afford.

3. Not being cut off from your grandchildren:
I am sure that you will be avoiding putting the children in the middle of this. Nothing that you have said, suggests otherwise. If you want to continue the childcare do that. If your daughter threatens you with no contact presumably it links to the type of conversations I referred to in 2. above? Perhaps those type of responses would help to avoid this threat?

I think that No. 1 has to be the most crucial for you, in order to deal with this awful situation for you long term.

Please let us know how things go.

Lucyloo12, it's vital that you do stay strong and correct her. If you let the situation continue, it will escalate.

It's not good for the grandchildren, to witness you being manipulated and bullied by your daughter. Don't allow it to happen.

Lucy, Your daughter is calling all the shots and just doing what suits her. You grandchildren are caught in the middle, at the moment you are the stabilising factor and you must be loathe to rock the boat, but It can't go on like this and it won't. I would decide for yourself what your boundaries are, how much you see them, how much you can afford to spend on them, how you let your daughter speak to you. This is a ticking bomb, tiptoeing round never helps anyone. I just know that your daughter is wrong the way she uses you and spoke to you in front of her latest boyfriend in front of the children, it's abuse. You are allowing her awfully treatment of you. Your ex sounds horrific and you have gone from his control to hers. Is that the example for the children?

Lucyloo -- I also advice that you do not need to "defend yourself" in the way you may think. Placing healthy boundaries removes the need to defend yourself. Actions have consequences when healthy boundaries are in place and nothing further needs to be said.

I also advice do not put the grand-children in the middle (if they are minors) by 'explaining' what is "going on" to them. This never goes well and often adds to reasons to estrange from your daughters POV.

The best way to have a healthy relationship with the grand-children is to be healthy and happy yourself, build a healthy relationship with your daughter and hopefully a healthy relationship with the grand-children will be the end result.

Urmstongran

Well then these daughters have been given the ‘green light’ to behave appallingly. What an unhealthy situation for all concerned.

Yes, agree that it isn't healthy Urmstongran. But a grandchild is a wonderful thing. It's the matter of finding a balance that I can live with, while maintaining a relationship with my grandson.

The situation has a limited shelf life, whatever happens, because grandchildren grow up and at some point THEY will decide about how much contact they have with grandparents and their mothers/our daughters won't be involved in the equation. Things will ease then.

Did your daughter witness your ex abusing you Lucylou? You said he hated the children, did you mean yours or your daughters?

Abusive people are quite adept at manipulating the situation and it's not unusual. I wonder if she has normalised behaviour she has witnessed growing up and picked up some herself.

Maybe for her to see and understand it would be good for both of you to get counselling together

Agree with HH

It seems to me that no matter how you try to defend yourself, regardless oh how reasonably and respectfully, your D knowing that she can use your contact with your GC to emotionally blackmail you Lucyloo.

I hope you'll be able to find a way of stopping her abuse without losing contact with your GC again.

It's appalling how some parents will use their own children in this way.

It sounds to me like boundaries are an issue on all fronts.

Absolutely respect her boundaries, not doing so will not improve the situation and saying, "She is not respecting me/my boundaries so why should I respect hers?" is not a healthy mentality.

As for how your daughter is treating you, You need to set healthy boundaries with her. If that leads to her walking away? She will have learned that you are not available to be her victim and provided a positive example for the grand-children that bad behavior reaps no reward.

respect her boundaries? Why, when the daughter is showing absolutely no respect whatsoever to Lucyloo? Her daughter is using her as an ATM cash point, knowing that OP desperately wants to see her GC and will willingly pay for shoes and clothes for them. I think that the advice given by MamaBear to agree to not discussing the ex when she's with you is good. Then set your own boundaries by asking her to stop with the disrespectful behaviour in front of her new boyfriend and stop asking for money. Respect and boundaries go in both directions.

Lucyloo I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult situation. You say you are depressed, so I encourage you to speak to your doctor and find a therapist who can help you with those feelings.

As for dealing with your daughter, it sounds like continuing a relationship with your grandchildren is important to you, which means you need to go through your daughter to see them. She has set a boundary for you, to not disrespect your ex, and I suggest you respect that boundary when around her and the children. You can also set boundaries, such as “we will not discuss ex at all” and if she does, end the visit or phone call immediately. If she makes a comment to you or in your presence about how awful you were during no contact, try using a phrase such as “I’m sure you see it that way” or “You’re entitled to your feelings.” Phrases like this will end the argument she’s trying to start. I think you should stop allowing her to use you financially. If you want to buy clothes for the kids, you should. But if she tells you to buy them something or give her money or she’ll (insert threat), then I would refuse. You can’t live your life under the strain of constant threats.

Well then these daughters have been given the ‘green light’ to behave appallingly. What an unhealthy situation for all concerned.