Recognise how far you have come.

Smileless I am sorry that your Mum could move beyond that fear and sense of being trapped as a cancer patient with all that implies

I see and feel so much change in myself Madgran

That's good.

For someone who has suffered a life threatening illness it is "feeling the change of perception of themselves, of their future life" In some ways similar maybe?

There's so much that can leave "a legacy of thinking in specific ways because of fear" isn't there Madgran. My poor mum was successfully treated and cured of cancer but the last 15 years of her life were controlled by her fear of it's return.

She was cured physically but not mentally/emotionally.

I see and feel so much change in myself Madgran that's why it hurts when people say I should just get over it or that I'm harming my own children.

I was a better mum than mine without any good example to learn from.

Yes I've worked to be better and if anyone tells me that my wanting to work at it is somehow worse than their "everything here is perfect and wonderful just because I said so" then.... Urgh fine, let em

I'm in a mood aren't I? Life's punching me when I'm down a bit lately and I'm flinching.

Sometimes I think perhaps I did join the wrong forum if I wanted at least a balance of support to... Something else entirely...

No I don't know if there is a famous Jeff Brown either, doesn't really matter, its an interesting quote.

Yes hitting leaves a legacy of flinching

Cancer leaves a legacy of thinking in specific ways because of fear. I was surprised that the quote made me think of that, but it did. "Feeling the change" is a good description

That's a good point Madgran, when do you stop being a victim and start becoming a survivor?

I am not a victim of the abuse I suffered as a child; I am a survivor.

I am not a victim of our son's estrangement; I am a survivor.

We are formed in part by our life experiences. We can use those to help others; to talk about what 'worked' in our recovery; to empathise with those with a similar experience and even if engaging with others whose experiences may not be the same, we can at least identify with their pain even if the cause of that pain differs to our own.

I don't know if there is a famous Jeff Brown out there Madgran? Just someone I follow after reading a post, don't really know much about him apart from, liking his words.

I guess it's the same as, if you have been hit often in the past, sudden movements make you flinch.

That can be upsetting to people around you because they register your fear and your flinch but maybe don't know or understand why it is there. Maybe focused on a "reaction" rather than your unintentional instinct.

Moving past those triggers is everything and you can have 80% of them behind you but some don't see your progress... Some don't see their own progress

So important to recognise

When someone has had a serious life threatening illness, survives the gruelling treatment and has counselling to overcome the trauma of that experience ...one day the counsellor is likely to ask "When will you stop being a cancer patient?" Its a life changing moment in changing thinking, approaches, stopping for someone in that position if the counsellor chooses the right moment. Its the start of "feeling the change"

I know it is not the scenario being described above but reading that brought it to my mind.

That is an interesting "Jeff Brown" quote Starblaze

I read a wonderful book which helped me. Basically with childhood trauma your brain and how it handles emotions wasn't allowed to develop at its correct rate. So when triggers happen, your brain has learned to respond the way a child does ie fear, loneliness and despair.

The brain can relearn to deal with emotions, but first steps are to breathe deeply in crisis or triggers.