Recognise how far you have come.

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One Life by Megan Rapinoe

Great read, still reading, but super inspiring from word one- She embodies and balances confidence and humility- And .. She .. Speaks .. Out, which is my favorite thing about her because as she does encourages others to do the same- I love her!

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mobile.twitter.com/ewarren/status/1315392147538018306

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Niamh I second others in suggesting that you look at the "Support for all living with the pain of estrangement" thread

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Niamh
Hope you find some friends on the Support for all living with the pain of estrangement thread

Niamh first of all I'd like to wish you a very Happy birthday . Secondly, there is a forum especially for people who are in the very same situation as you are and they'd be very welocong to you. Have a look at SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement. They're a friendly crowd and would welcome you.

How very sad Niamh.

Welcome Niamh and best wishes for your 80th birthday; it must be a difficult day for you to say the least; I am sorry.

Birthdays, especially the milestone ones should be celebrated with families.

As you've read posts here on GN you'll know there are estranged parents here so please talk to us. We'll give you the support and help that we can.

You're not alone.

First message - although I read yours regularly. 80 today - only one card from old friends in South Africa. Estranged from children and not seen grand children since 2012. Sons wife from Ukraine jealous, manipulative, determined from beginning to separate me from children I brought up alone.
Why when I treated her like a daughter. so cruel for loving grand children - how they must be hurting, and wondering why their only grand parent disappeared out of their lives. So lonely but trying to hang on.

Thank you rosecarmel.

"There are so many ways that cruel people who want to hurt you, yet still appear as "good""

Thanks for mentioning that dynamic, Starblaze- ?

Here's a few examples:

You tell "that person" that you helped a family member out monetarily to cover the cost of a "crisis" and they double what you gave-

"That person" tells you about the impromptu wedding shower after the fact-

You tell "that person" that you plan to visit someone for their birthday to spend some quality time with them and "that person" turns around and throws a party for the birthday person-

Sound familiar?

3 things people want from you:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx3V1RRoc_A

They don't even need to be a narc, just mean-

Sorry to hear about your mother, Smileless- ?

Oh goodness. I've never thought if it like that. You have made me tearful. Thank you

I'll second that Chewbacca.

However, I don't quite trust life. I am always on edge. Does that make sense?

It makes perfect sense Kate1949, but you have much to be proud of yourself for. Look how far you've come from such dreadful beginnings and how much you've achieved despite every obstacle that was put in your way. You've done an amazing job Kate1949 and should be smiling with pride!

That's very true Smileless

Thank you Kate. It's good to see you againand yes, as you say we are all survivors.

It's so hard to "trust life" and not always feel on edge when you've been through such heartbreaking and inexplicable situations.

We're so lucky to have our H's, family and friends. It must be so much harder to face if you live alone which some do.

Thank you Starblaze . Yes I have. There's a lot more but I won't have a misery fest. We are all true survivors here I think. I have a lovely husband and family. However, I don't quite trust life. I am always on edge. Does that make sense?
Smileless I have read some of you posts in the past. Your story of estrangement is very sad.

oops that should have been 'a couple of weeks ago'

I can identify with that too.

I realised how much healthier I am emotionally when Mr. S. said there was an email from our ES a couple of weeks, just 2 days after my mother had died.

No feeling sick, afraid or that I couldn't breath and being able to respond when there was a time I'd have ignored him and not appreciated just how hard it was for him to send that email.

Kate you have had some truly awful experiences in life and you are a true Survivor. Never forget that

Today I was thinking about how far I have come in spotting behaviour that is not overtly/obviously cruel but cruel nonetheless.

There are always going to be people in this world who look for the worst possible meaning in what you say or assume it.

There are those people who try to keep you off balance by deliberately saying things that can have a double meaning so they can claim innocence if you get upset. That may seem related to point one but, the signs and context are different.

There are people who try to compare you unfavourably with others or highlight your perceived faults by complimenting those they find "acceptable".

There are so many ways that cruel people who want to hurt you, yet still appear as "good" operate and learning to spot them is such n essential tool.

Learning to rely on our instincts.

Today I realise that actually that just doesn't bother me anymore. I am who I am and despite an abusive relationship where I was told who I am and letting that influence how I felt about myself for a long time.... People have no hold or influence over me in that way any more and those techniques are something I can find humour in.

This stops me being reactive and confrontational which is what that sort of person needs to "win" in their minds.

Despite everything that is going on in the world right now, I'm emotionally healthier than I have ever been and I'm finally feeling in a place where I can give myself credit for it.

Thank you Iam . Gosh I feel like such a moaner. How understanding you all are.