Your money or your grandsons

JGran Is it your son's idea to ask for your property, or is his father behind these claims?

Your grandchildren are at an age where they can make their own decisions as to whether they keep in touch or not. Contact with grandchildren does often thin out as they become independent, start work, continue studying etc.

I think what you need to do more than anything, is protect yourself. Talk to someone, a friend, other family member, someone you trust. Speak to Age UK. Here is a link to their Factsheet on Elder Abuse. www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs78_safeguarding_older_people_from_abuse_fcs.pdf
I would read it.

I know it is very hard to accept that your son, whom you love and brought up alone, is behaving like this. So many older people in your situation, understandably react like this, but you must take a step back and look at your problem as if it was happening in someone else's family and think what you would advise them to do. Then do it yourself.

I agree, there is a great deal to everyone's story. I am happy to answer any questions. New here, so I don't know if I'm responding correctly, but let me know. I feel that we were building up to this for many years. Actually, ever since he has been in communication with his father. I know that his father has said some negative things about me but he's never been a topic in our home when my son was growing up. I would call him once a year and update him on his son's progress. My son never had interest until he was 19 and then he asked me for his father's number and he called him that day. Even though my son knows that I never hid him from his father, that was his father's claim. Since then my son has been very confrontational with me about everything. Very demanding for control over my estate.

Sounds like he needs to get himself a copy of Who Moved My Cheese.

M0nica

There was a court case today where a man in his 40s, with professional qualifications but incapacitated by mental illness, tried to have his parents forced to continue to support him as lavishly as they had in the past, after they reduced his income after a falling out.

The case was thrown out of court because the judge said under British law, parents have no responsibility at all to support adult children.

I seen this!

The court made the right decision. But some parents do encourage dependency in their children - it sounds as though the financial help came with strings attached.

Yes, I saw that too M0nica and I immediately thought of this thread. His parents had funded his qualifcations for a degree in modern history, a qualified solicitor and a master's degree in taxation and he still thought they owed him! Some entitlement issues.

There was a court case today where a man in his 40s, with professional qualifications but incapacitated by mental illness, tried to have his parents forced to continue to support him as lavishly as they had in the past, after they reduced his income after a falling out.

The case was thrown out of court because the judge said under British law, parents have no responsibility at all to support adult children.

Son has been disinherited, I think the why of that is important.

There were terrible problems that area long story.

Son was disinherited

Son has now estranged

Why was he disinherited? Is that the best way to resolve relationship issues? It seems more like a way to say "I don't like you anymore, you are cut out of my will".

Why did it get to that stage?

The best way in to have good relationship with grandchildren is to have a good relationship with their parents.

Chewbacca, I agree with everything you have said.

I don’t believe the OP has any responsibility to support her son financially. I believe the OP is entitled to leave her estate to whomever she chooses to leave it to.

I have not said otherwise.

She has posted on the estrangement boards. I am assuming she doesn’t want to be estranged. I am trying to establish whether the relationship is salvageable. To do that, it is important to understand the son’s motives. Is there anything else going on?

Asking a few questions to determine if anything can be resolved is more helpful, in my view, than writing the relationship off completely.

The OP will know whether her son is coercing her or not, and if he is, there is good information on the thread already. She can take what is relevant to her and leave the rest.

Exactly what Chewbacca said.
Elder abuse is becoming recognised as a serious problem, thankfully.

No, absolutely not. Please tell someone you trust what he is up to and ask them to keep an eye on you.

There is a huge difference between the property in question being the OP’s only home, or it being a rental property where the income is not being relied upon by the OP.

Whether th OP owns it or rents it out, is of no consequence to her son or anyone else. Any income that she derives from her property is her business alone; she has no obligation to accommodate or suppirt her son financially or otherwise. He is an adult, not a dependent child and, as such, has his own responsibility to support himself.

There is a difference between the son feeling entitled to the OP’s money, and the son being in a situation whereby he may be facing the prospect of losing his family home.

Why is this OPs problem? If the son is in a situation whereby he may be facing the prospect of losing his family home, that's for him to resolve, not his mother. OP has clearly stated that she has changed her will. She has every right to leave her estate to any one she chooses; she has no obligation to leave anything to her son, especially if their relationship broken down. Whilst her son may expect to inherit, he has no legal right to do so and if he is coercing his mother to do so, she needs legal advice to get him to stop.

It makes no difference how many properties JGran owns, what expectations any relatives have from her estate on her demise, nor what the son wants/needs the money for

I think it does make a difference, actually.

There is a huge difference between the property in question being the OP’s only home, or it being a rental property where the income is not being relied upon by the OP.

There is a difference between the son feeling entitled to the OP’s money, and the son being in a situation whereby he may be facing the prospect of losing his family home.

I have asked the OP such questions, not because I think she should be giving her son anything (she is entitled to do with her properties and money as she pleases), but because I am trying to understand her son’s motives. Is he attempting to coerce her, or is he asking out of a genuine need?

It makes all the difference because:

1. The OP’s son is either a bully who the OP would be wise to stay away from and/or contact the appropriate authorities about; or
2. They have had a falling out over inheritance, which is fairly common, and which could hopefully be resolved.

Also, the eldest grandson is 17. The OP does not need to go through his father to speak to him, surely she has his phone number?

Good advice M0nica, CAB will be able to refer JGran to the most appropriate place for legal advice.
It makes no difference how many properties JGran owns, what expectations any relatives have from her estate on her demise, nor what the son wants/needs the money for. The bottom line is that, from what she has said, she's already been more than generous in the past and has made financial provision for her GC. An inheritance is a gift; not a right. And if she's being coerced into giving more than she is comfortable with, she is wise to seek further advice.

Speak to your local CAB, and if the threat is repeated, tell him that coercive control is a crime and if he says or does anything else to bully you or manipulate you out of your house you will go to the police.

Also, from your update, it seems you have multiple properties. Is it one of those properties your son asked to be signed over to him, because your OP sounded like your son was trying to take your home from you.

Does he need the money for something? Is he in debt? Your son’s financial situation is not your responsibility at all, however, if you have been upfront with him about what he is due to inherit, and he is in a situation where the inheritance would make a huge difference to his family’s circumstances now, that could be the reason. Have you asked him what he needs the money for?

Jgran how does your son know you have changed the will?

Are you sure what he is demanding is a house rather than that just him being upset you have taken him off the will? Because that sounds like a punishment for something.

Perhaps the problem is that he feels punished unfairly and you actually need to address the long story issues with him properly. When AC estrange parents, their children are usually a package deal because the AC feels if they can't have a positive relationship with a parent, their children won't get that either.

Was it always your intention to leave the properties to your grandchildren? Perhaps your son feels that is inappropriate. Is this why he has asked for the properties to go to him instead?

I don’t think either of my sons would be mature enough at 17 to know what to do with an inheritance like that and you run the risk of the money being squandered. Perhaps a Trust holding the funds until the children are a little older would be a better route to go down.

But this is all just assumptions on my part.

Hithere is right, if you start at the beginning, you will get better advice.

OP

If you start from the beginning, we can give you better advice.

Have you got a mobile number for the 17 year old?

Yes, I have left one property to each of my grandsons. The income from the properties now goes into a college fund for them. Originally, my son would have inherited, but I changed that in light of what happened. Now, My grandsons and nieces and nephews will inherit and my baby sister is the Trustee. She's been the trustee almost the whole time because I know my son is not good with money.

I will contact them. Thank you. It is really the emotional pain that is the worst. I miss my grandsons so much. The eldest is 17 this year. The little one is only 5. It is a very long story behind all of this and I admit I have indulged him for many years, but buying him the boots he really, really wants and getting to this point, no...this came out of nowhere for me.

It is possible OP has become confused. Cancer can leave you with a weak immune system and we are still in a pandemic.

That's why I suggested professional support to understand and unravel this.

Jgran might be horrified that her son is being called names even if she is upset and angry with him herself.

I hope she hasn't returned because she is getting support

Emotional blackmail. Or holding Grankids to ransome. A neighbour I had once left her house to her grandson. She died when he was about 20 ish. He did not want to live in it. So his parents did until they died. Not sure why the grandchild was left it. It has now been sold and the grandchild has inherited the proceeds.

As I have said, based on nothing/absence of context/information it has been said:

"A man who makes that threat will never give you what you want but will have no problem throwing you out."

"what a money grabbing moron."

"he will have you out of the house as soon as he could if you did this."

"see a solicitor and get a will cutting him out completely after your death. What a piece of..."

"surely nobody could behave this badly. But, assuming it is true, I would not give in and I would cut him out of your will. He sounds like a psychopath."

"what a dreadful man your son is! Personally, I would be tempted to cut him out of the will too."

"what disgraceful behaviour from a son. He will THINK about letting you see him. Tell him to get lost and write him out of your will."

Sometimes children (adult or otherwise) act like little s##t's... I don't mind if someone says, "Your kid is acting like a little s##t." and if they were, I would agree. If someone said, "Your kid is a piece of s##t." I'd lose mine.

Calling son horrible names and ascribing/projecting motivations on him that have no basis in evidence is unhelpful from my POV.

MissAdventure

I'm afraid I can't, given the limited info on this particular situation, anyway.

Well, the children didn’t get the house in the end anyway. I don’t have a strong view on that, it’s none of my business.

I am not saying at all that this is the case with the OP, but I have seen the fall out when promises are not honoured. That’s why I asked.