Domestic Violence from kids to parents

Well I can only speak from my experience but 2 of my children went to a childminder and they were always cared for very well
My daughters nursery has a ration of 3 to 1 and again they are very very baby led.
It’s what I checked for when I chose them.

Childcare practitioners would be up to date on all these practices.

Bibbity -- "if someone isn’t willing to care for those needs as well as the physical then they aren’t ready for children." -- This is why husband and I didn't have children until later in life.

Neither of us had a model of what healthy parenting looked like. We got healthy/went through recovery and learned about child-psychology before committing to becoming parents ourselves.

I certainly would never leave my children with people who would want to 'parent'/grandparent the way mine did.

TBF I think that's an over simplification HolyHannah and merely gives the impression that a parent with this approach, doesn't care too and cannot be bothered to do any different.

Infants of course want and need to bond, to be held and snuggled but a mother or any care giver can not do that 24/7.

I understand that HolyHannah; we were fortunate that there was never an issue for us when it came to leaving our boys with those who had parented/grand parented us.

It’s very easy with a baby wrap. My newborn was pretty much attached to me for months.
It made it so easy to continue to interact with my older two, and by wearing the right clothes I could just pop a boob out and she could feed in there.

So do child minders and day nursery staff carry babies in their care in baby wraps too?

I'm a bit unusual with a huge gap between eldest and youngest and a few years in between all.

Every time I came home with a new baby I came home with different/new/updated advice.

Every time I read, understood and followed it.

This is why I often say to friends or other new grandparents

Follow the rules your children give you as grandparents, they have researched or been given advice and need to be supported in feeling they are doing everything in their power to raise their children the right way.

Are some of today's practices more about what the parents want rather than what the child needs?

My friends GS is 20 months old and still hasn't slept alone in his own room. His mum sleeps on a mattress on the bedroom floor.

It’s about what is best for the child.
My daughter is 14 months and sleeps in our bed.
It’s a win for both. She sleeps better with me beside her, I don’t sleep as awfully as I would because it’s easy to feed her through the night.
Trust me. I don’t want to sleep with a baby.
I miss being able to watch TV in bed, we have to have sex elsewhere, and I get kicked.

But it’s only for such a small time.
And just like my other two I know the day will come when they want to go shopping for their big girl bed. And that’s it.
All done. In love with their beds and bragging that they sleep alone now.

Starblaze -- "Follow the rules your children give you as grandparents, they have researched or been given advice and need to be supported in feeling they are doing everything in their power to raise their children the right way." -- 100%

Again... This is why I would never leave my children with my parents or in-laws. They know best/all and by golly they are going to do things THEIR "way"... Not with my children I'm afraid. I guess they'll have to practice their grand-parenting on their other grand-children. Oh wait... They don't have any other grand-children... I wonder if that's Our fault too? Anyways...

It's MY way or the high-way/the buck stops with Me when it comes to how my children are treated by the adults around them. I am the 'gate-keeper'/final decision maker for my children. Their health and best interests are my primary focus as a parent.

My primary focus as an adult is to be a good wife/spouse/partner and be a healthier person so I can be a good mother. Happy parents have happy children.

Smileless2012

So do child minders and day nursery staff carry babies in their care in baby wraps too?

My son’s nursery told me that its not very common for them to be caring for young babies.

Which would make sense, because in the U.K. maternity leave is one year. And nursery fees are very expensive.

There was a 6 week old baby at that nursery though, who’s mum was in the final year of her degree. He was always carried by the staff. I guess they were able to because all the other children were mobile.

This is making me think again about what I posted earlier, if we're not careful, a propensity to parent blame when that parent becomes a victim of their child's abuse.

Parenting practices change but do those changes correlate with an increase or decrease in the number of cases where parents are experiencing domestic violence, at the hands of their children.

Well if the way a child was raised caused their issues that made them violent the parent may not have done it intentionally but it was caused by them.

Discipline used to involve violence. This was encouraged by Doctors, teachers, the Government so could you ‘ blame’ a parent for doing such?

But I know children who have cut their parents off because of how they were disciplined.

So while they may have been clueless. They are not absolved of the consequences.

Bibbity -- "I don’t sleep as awfully as I would because it’s easy to feed her through the night. Trust me. I don’t want to sleep with a baby." -- That gave me a good old laugh. No truer words could be spoken when it comes to night feedings. That brought back some 'fun' memories. I laughed out the words "night feedings" and husband said, "Yes. Let us never speak of those again..."

Smileless2012

Are some of today's practices more about what the parents want rather than what the child needs?

My friends GS is 20 months old and still hasn't slept alone in his own room. His mum sleeps on a mattress on the bedroom floor.

My sons both slept in my bed until they were around 3 for the same reasons Bibbity gave.

It definitely wasn’t for my benefit. Again, for the same reasons Bibbity gave.

I always follow the pace my sons set. And that includes their independence. So, when they were ready, they helped chose their big boy beds and we helped them settle in.

It really is only for such a short time. They do not stay small for long. I miss the baby cuddles so much!

My little dot still sleeps with me sometimes but his bedtime routine is still the same, he just appears if he wakes and I usually sleep through it unless he pinches the duvet lol

There will be parents who can't financially manage for a full years' maternity leave bearing in mind statutory maternity leave is for 39 weeks. For the first 6 weeks 90% of the average weekly pay is received, and for the remaining 33 weeks, it's either a weekly payment of 90% or £151.20 which ever is the lower.

So despite the cost of child minding and day care nursery fees, some will return to work before their child is a year old for financial reasons.

And as is mentioned. All the practitioners that I encountered are very child led. And yes some do in fact baby wear.
They will do their absolute best by the babies. Ensuring that they are safe and loved as close to their families as possible.

So it's not just a matter of better practice for the child, it's what suits parents too which is fair enough, as long as it doesn't present problems in the future.

Sleeping with our boys as babies or toddlers wasn't something we or they wanted or needed.

Well I don’t really have an option on her sleeping with us. She won’t sleep in her bed and her screaming for hours isn’t any good for her. I would really love to get my bed back. It’s king size. And it’s still not big enough.
It makes feeding her easier yes but would I love to get up and feed her a few times a night and not be kicked in the head, I would.

I just take the little wins where I can get them.

I don’t blame you for not getting the McDonald’s for your granddaughter, but under no circumstances should you have called a 7 year old “a naughty nasty child.”

I can’t abide this type of nonsense. When saying something to a child causes such trauma it does make one wonder how children exposed to the most awful abuse survive. Internalising such stuff? More likely forgotten it in less than a minute.

Oh dear that's a definite draw back. I wonder how long it will be before you will be able to get her to sleep in her own bed; how old is she?

She’s 14 months.
The other two liked their own beds by 3.

I actually asked my 4 year old if she wanted a sleepover the other night and she said no and went to her own bed.
So I’m happy that this time is short.

A good point tickingbird. I was thinking the same when leaving a baby that has been fed, winded, changed and is safe and warm to cry, was referred too as "barbaric".

Goodness knows some children are treated barbarically by their parents and as a result internalise the trauma they've suffered.

Using such terminology when referring to a baby being left to cry and/or a child who is told they are 'nasty and naughty' is inappropriate when one considers cases of actual barbarity and trauma that some do experience.

I could tell hundreds of stories of children telling me things they have heard or been told at home to demonstrate a point but I can't because that would be breaking trust.

All I can say is that children develop an inner voice and we all have one.

You can Google it, parent, adult child model. but I will find a good link later if anyone is interested.

Do you ever sit and put yourself down or tell yourself you can't do something or tell yourself you are stupid or ridiculous or incapable or too shy or too loud etc?

A lot of that comes from an inner voice that is set from childhood by the adults around us.

If you tell a child they are unlikeable or stupid or nasty, you run the risk of them hearing your voice again as theirs.