SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Smileless, hugs, nanny and everyone else, thank you for your messages of support. To be honest, DH is very poorly at present, but just keeps soldiering on.

I hope you all know that I wasn't judging anybody, I am not even aware of the other thread - I may have been on it or I may not - but this is my safe place and I don't like to see arguments spilling over from one thread to another.

nanny, I emphasise a lot with your feelings, but don't give up hope. My DD cut us off abruptly and we didn't hear from her for six months and then only very occasionally for two years. She got married and had DGD1 without telling us for 14 months. The pain was indescribable, truly a living bereavement.

However, now she is back in our lives, in touch every day, could not be more concerned for DH (although the reconciliation was not as a result of that), probably she regrets the estrangement with time and maturity although she has not said so. Maybe, now that she is a mother herself, she has a greater understanding, I just don't know. You can't get into someone else's head, even that of your own child, especially your own child.

I am, of course, pleased that things are so much better, but the hurt runs very deep. It won't ever be the same, at least on my side, but I need to forgive and let go. I can see the pattern and sequence of events which led to it, but I think that some things will just be and would have been, in any event.

I would say, just roll with the pain until it passes. Or, as Smileless put it very eloquently in my darkest hour, wait for the wave to crash and then move on, until the next one. you will get wet, but you will survive, I promise you. Please don't leave the thread, although I totally agree that dogs, or other furry friends, are very healing. In a way, theirs is the purest form of love as it is unconditional.

Chewbacca ;

Thank -you for that and much appreciated.
Sometimes dealing with the family scenarios on daily basis can be done. There is always that little voice reminding me about my "semi-"estrangement and most times I can ignore it.
Today the heart took over reminding me that though a complicated relationship with my D the love I have for her will be with me till I leave this earth.
Tomorrow hopefully will be better.

On this thread 3nanny6 you are amongst friends who care very much about you and you shouldn't stop posting unless you want to; not because you've been made to feel uncomfortable doing so or don't feel that you belong. You've been a huge support to others so don't feel bad about leaning on others sometimes.

Hugshelp ; You are right sometimes threads do become battlegrounds. Also many people have agendas and must win the argument . Many times I was mentioned some not good.

I may not even belong on this support thread as for me the battle can no longer rage and the drawn out arguments are as nothing to me.

I have lost a dear D and no amount of therapy or talking can ever bring her back. Why she behaves as she does I will never know in this lifetime and no matter what is said about reconciliation I know it will never happen for me and her too much pain and too much water under the bridge. I may have times I do speak to my D but it is surface talk with nothing really there showing me love.
I search her face for the sweetness , love and care that was worth more than anyone or anything on this earth could give me and cannot find it anymore. Estrangement to me
is having removal of the heart and although every day I get up I am left dejected with part of me missing.

I have some replacement which happens to be my dogs, I say thank god for those dogs. There is so much a dog gives back never asking anything else in return. Getting out with them in nature at least gives me hope for new days and love of nature and the outdoors at least some relief from any estrangements.

I think I may be saying too much but sometimes the heart conveys messages, maybe it is time for me to stop posting for awhile and get more of the healing from nature with my beloved pets who for the moment are my greatest companions and that could be the way it is meant to be.
To be given the gift of GC can be a wonderful thing my experience has not lived up to how I see family relationships should be but life goes on any way.

Glad you made it rhinestone, good to see you, hope you're all dried off now.

Oh technology can be such a pain 3nanny - hope you enjoy your walk. x

P.F
Hope you are well.
I do look at other threads but get fed up when they digress.

I do not have any strident confrontation going on with any other posters on those threads and quite honestly am dealing with enough with my own family situation in fact maybe I need to spend less time on forum sites and make worthy efforts to sort out estrangements face to face with family who albeit usually want my company if they need to ask me for something.

That is me for the moment just typed out a message for H.H. and pressed to preview message but nothing happened so I just pressed post message and everything disappeared, so bother that for now I am off to take a walk.

Sorry H.H.

Starblaze ; Like I said I stopped following that thread very early on, and when I looked at it almost to page 21 it had digressed.

Point taken that you didn't agree how I handled the situation
although you kindly expressed how it may be managed better in the future.
Yes I did share what had happened with my GD as the thread in question was somewhat to related to that.
Sadly the thread was hi-jacked and when I last saw it had digressed to the meme of Karen.

I have not been impatient or shown hostility to you on this estrangement thread or invalidated your posts on abuse from your childhood.

You must be exhausted after your swim Rhinestone. Glad you've found your old pals on the new thread.

I swam across the pond and found you all again. Whew!
Thanks Smileless for starting this.
I think we are all here for support and suggestions not to be judged.

Natasha

An unpleasant and upsetting experience for you 3nanny; I hope you're OK.

It's a shame that what's happened elsewhere on GN has been introduced onto this thread.

This is a thread to offer support for anyone living with estrangement. If posters need support in dealing with how they feel they are being treated on other threads, that should be discussed elsewhere.

How are you and your DH PF? I hope everything has settled down since your family reunion and that despite the strain that you all must have been under, each one of you has some good memories of that weekend.

We're getting ready to go to our lodge later today. It will be our last trip this year so I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully we'll get some reasonable weather and be able to take the dogs onto the beach for a good run around.

I agree PF. I ended up going on to the other thread to try and make sense of things. I saw a lot of people trying to win arguments on that thread rather than actually trying to hear and communicate with one another. I posted my thoughts on it at length there and will say no more.

But I do ask that we don't let the support thread become a spill-over battleground.

I have seen two posters here, on opposite sides of the debate, asking for support. So, I ask you both, what can we do to support you without getting dragged into the arguments? I refuse to take sides when people aren't hearing one another, but if there is a way I can help I will. If anyone wants my thoughts on another thread they are on that thread.

I am confused. Are some people mistakenly posting on this thread instead of a different one as, last time I looked at this thread, it was about people recovering sofas? The latest posts just don't make sense within the context of the present thread.

Please can we keep the thread separate. I am on this thread because I want to be. It is a support thread. I don't want it to be merged with or become an overflow of another thread, which I may not wish to read, particularly if there is some sort of strident confrontation going on between individual posters. I thought the GN rules prohibited this.

I'd also love to be able to chat without everything I say being constantly reported unfairly as a perdonsl attack when I'm not even talking to anyone specific, let alone about them.

Talking about my mum or abusive parents or narcissists is not about estranged parents and no matter how hard I push and make that distinction, I am constantly forced to explain or asked "did you mean xyz" when no, there is nothing between the lines. There is no hidden meaning in my words, my mum was abusive and I don't need an emotional punchbag, just a cushion, I'm not like her.

3nanny6 -- There is nothing wrong with swearing. Swear words are just words. How the words are employed is what is important. What it is being applied to is also important.

My kids swear because their parents swear. That's why we hold our kids accountable for how they use swear words at the same standard as we do ourselves. Saying the f-word in frustration = okay. Telling someone directly to f-off = not okay.

There are better ways to determine someone's moral character then whether or not they swear. Also I should add, as an abuse victim, I had no other outlet for anger. Other people in the house could yell, scream, hit etc. I wasn't allowed to even get upset at how I was mistreated. So I swear.

I'd also rather swear then take out my frustrations on my husband or children. I'm sure they prefer that too.

3nanny6

Ive unfollowed that thread and I doubt I will unblock it.

I didn't agree with how you handled that situation, I said so as kindly as possible in one comment and I think I mentioned you in another as having updated to say granddaughter had apologised and that if I were you I would have also apologised.

I haven't said I think you are awful or terrible in general. I don't expect anyone to handle themselves perfectly at all times.

I simply think there are better ways of handling these things that would benefit you and grand daughter in future.

You don't agree

That's fine, it's your business, I just thought it was OK to respond as you chose to share it.

If I can be patient with people who tell me I shouldn't be here or that I'm using my children as weapons or that there is no excuse for estrangement or that no contact is abusive....

I only ask for the same patience and understanding in return. Instead I just get constant hostility from some quarters simply for having a different view on some things.

If and when I end up in a situation where I have a child whose behaviour I can't manage or tolerate, I hope someone else has thoughts on what I could try differently to be honest with you.

So, I need support.

I too have seen another thread but will not mention the one, although we all know what one it is.
I have seen myself constantly mentioned even though I left the thread ages ago, I have dropped in and taken a look and my God how it has digressed, and gone in a completely different direction from what the OP asked.

How come I am still being mentioned be posters when what I have read on that thread is 20 times worse then anything I said. Some posters like to give it there all and I have seen plenty of swear words on it.
Pot calling the kettle black comes to mind.

Here is what I know is a fact:

There are people here who don't put a filter over everything I say. They also do not respond to or agree with filters that others put over what I say by writing their own interpretation of my words unfairly for all to read. They look at context, listen to me and understand without always agreeing.

Those people I have all the time in the world for and they are the reason I stay.

Sorry Star I don't read many of the posts on other threads. I find it really difficult when people have chats that cross threads. What is it you want support with?

That's the problem Starblaze you don't seem to be able to tell the difference between people not liking what you post and people not liking you because you're an EAC.

As for you having no bias and meaning no harm to anyone, as I suggested earlier, read what you post.

That's just an example of discrimination Smileless an assumption was made based on my EAC status

If you can't accept that I have no bias and mean no harm to anyone that doesn't change the fact that it's the truth.

I suggest if you want answers Starblaze you look at what you post. Your post on another thread @ 18.43 springs to mind.