EAC FOG FREE. Healing resources on the topic of abusive parents.

I will read your posts again but they hit home so I'm just up to freedom from the past.

My son is strong minded, age 3, he insisted on wearing woolly jumper, shorts and wellies in a heatwave.

I decided in the scheme of things, saying does it matter for one day?

I think you're right Iam, the chat forum probably wouldn't be the best thread for that type of discussion. This estrangement forum or the relationships forum may be a good place if anyone wants to start a thread on that particular issue.

Astral said: "I need to do better."

Me too- Always- It's part of accepting who I am, completely- As a person, as a parent- Holding myself accountable, not above or beneath other people, just equal-

It's a gift to listen to people tell the whole truth- When they do- To identify and yet not peg- Not box tick- My past is littered with such words as you're this, you're that- Forever- A static, less than, runt like .. errr .. um .. stuck like that-

And yet, to their credit, I was provided with the freedom to not have to play with things labeled pink solely, but cars and trucks and mud, too-

I sometimes wonder if abuse and superiority aren't rooted in people's violent, primal psyche, provoking them to reproduce and continue their gene pool- The provoking similar to the same note being played on a piano, and drives them crazy- Even the edges of that rabbit hole look too thorny, and creepy ..

Anyway .. the information at the link you provided is invaluable and worth a read and reread- Thank you-

You're right to try and keep the focus on the topic of abusive parents Astral.

Your comment had me reflecting on estrangement, specifically, rather than the wider discussion on the impact of the pandemic in relationships. I don't think chat is the place for something as significant as family estrangement, though it could be for the impact on relationships generally.

Miss Foodlove, what an unpleasant thing for the priest to do. The funeral service is for those left behind, not something to be taken over by the priest or celebrant.

what gave the priest the right to replace your chosen reading with one of his own Missfoodlove?

Iam64, just a random thought that came and I was just trying to stay on topic of abusive parents because I know it is upsetting for some when topics go off track.

Could be an eye opener on which relationships are missed and which we feel better without. Not taking into account all of those who treat the rules like they are bendy and breakable due to whatever excuse and it occurs to me that anyone abusive would put their own needs above a pandemic anyway. No idea where I am going with this.

Also the rise in domestic abuse will have a huge impact. I just don't think we will come out of this the same as we went in, I think everyone will be marked somehow.

Be interested to hear others views on it, maybe you could start a thread about people's thoughts on what impact the pandemic will have on relationships in chat Iam64. Maybe it would get a lot of traffic? I'd certainly be interested, it's made me evaluate a lot of things.

Thank you Iam64 and Astral for your kind comments.
The pandemic was not the cause of death but it meant I didn’t go through the charade of a funeral.
Just 3 of us and a very sinister priest, who apparently loved her more than me and decided to replace my chosen reading with one of his own!!!

It is an interesting point Iam and as you say could apply to other 'difficult' relationships.

It can take time to see the benefits of being freed from a difficult sometimes unhealthy relationship, especially if you weren't the one to bring it to an end.

Miss Foodlove, keep feeling stronger each week. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas

Atral, I'm interested in your thoughts about the impact of the pandemic on how often we see difficult parents and whether that is enabling some to feel relieved and stronger. For some people, that could also apply to other 'difficult' relationships, with siblings or adult children for example. It's one of those opportunities to step back and reflect, a positive out of a negative situation.
I agree with Smileless, you seem to be doing fine x

Thank you Smileless2012

Missfoodlove I am sorry you had to find relief in those circumstances.

I wonder just how many people are having long breaks from difficult parents during this pandemic and are coming to feel the same relief and feeling stronger. Perhaps it would be unnoticed during the extra layer of stress we are all under. I have noticed relief at not seeing much of some people though!

I'm sorry that it has taken the death of your mother for you to find peace Missfoodlove.

Not talking about or acknowledging a bad childhood can affect all areas of our lives Astral. "I need to do better" suggests to me that you're doing OK.

I really didn't want to get into the ins and outs of my childhood to explain my thoughts on this but I did find a helpful article about bad childhoods and how not talking about it or acknowledging it can affect parenting. It's a painful read. I need to do better.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/compassion-matters/201507/7-ways-your-childhood-affects-how-youll-parent

My nasty, manipulative, narcissistic mother died in June.
My brute of a father thankfully died 26 years ago.
I am alive without them and that feeling is wonderful.
This is the first Christmas I will not have had to consider my evil mother and for that I am truly grateful.
I never went no contact as she always somehow had a hold on me.
Every week that goes by leaves me feeling stronger.
I am me and not my mothers daughter.

I can't begin to imagine how worrying your D's situation must be for you Fuchsiarose. You're doing all that you can by being there for her and listening.

I am so very sad to hear your story Rosecarmel.
I spend a lot of time in reflection. Regarding my parents, and also regarding my parenting skills.
I have never given up on my daughter. I am always here, mostly doing the listening. At present, she is suffering domestic abuse, so in that sense i dont understand why she stays in it. And keeps returning, even though the Police have a Crime number. I wish I knew the answer. Suggestions please. Shes well educated, fit and healthy. All I wish for her is independence, happiness, and freedom which she had as a child. She decided everything for herself back then. After lockdown, I saw her, no money, no clothes, a shell of herself, and wearing his clothes. Answers on a postcard please

I didn't need a mother that was strong, kind and loving- And thats all- I needed one that talked- About her failures and flaws, the mistakes that she made and what she did when things went terribly wrong so that I could learn it was ok to me-Imperfect- And understood-

How I wished we could have sat cross-legged on the floor, rummaging through the rucksacks and baggage- Tipping over backwards with laughter as she explained why she wound my arrow straight hair so tight to make it wavy-

But that didn't happen- She was the kind, strong, loving parent- That's all- And that I never actually had-

I found this thread interesting. I was dragged up, I rarely talk about it. But I grew up to be really strong, kind and loving. Had one AC, who was brought up with love and care. She has given me the most awful time since she was 16. I love her very much but dont understand her. She has been abusive to me for many years. A few weeks ago, I asked her to leave my home as I wasnt going to suffer like this anymore. She refused to leave. Screaming at me, i had enough.
I pulled the cord, the voice in the box on the wall asked her to leave or police would be called. She scrambled for her things and fled. Peace for me. I have experienced both sides, as a child and a mother. Sometimes tough love works. She is at present, asleep in my home, having arrived with numerous bags and giving me a kiss on the cheek. For the first time ever, watch this space.

That's a beautiful response, Astral- The story might take on entirely new meanings with each reading of it- Especially now when more women have experienced permanent job loss as a result of the ongoing pandemic- It's been determined they represent two thirds of the overall number of the unemployed- Many of which are mothers- Or soon to be- Some single- Few having planned in advance for such a catastrophe but all forging ahead- Ready or not for sharp corners, loose floorboards and food lines and the glaring inequity and expectation for them to be completely malleable-

That's beautifully sad rosecarmel.

Women sometimes have such high expectations placed on them to look good and be good and continue the expectation of warm loving mothers. Its just not a job suitable for everyone.

Imagine having a child and expecting perfection from them, you cannot be a warm loving mother and demand it so instead use guilt and manipulation as a means to control your child while ignoring their real needs.

Then when this becomes too much and they start showing signs of distress, just continue to push and pull and express your desires of who they should be until they finally unravel. Then claim that unravelling was just something that happened, an accident, a faulty stitch, too weak a materiel or a misplaced nail and no inattention on their part at all.

I have so much empathy for everyone here.

Sometimes healing comes from the reading of stories-

Here is an excerpt from one I stumbled upon:

Who Will Greet You At Home by Lesley Nneka Arimah

The yarn baby lasted a good month, emitting dry, cotton-soft gurgles and pooping little balls of lint, before Ogechi snagged its thigh on a nail and it unravelled as she continued walking, mistaking its little huffs for the beginnings of hunger, not the cries of an infant being undone. By the time she noticed, it was too late, the leg a tangle of fibre, and she pulled the string the rest of the way to end it, rather than have the infant grow up maimed. If she was to mother a child, to mute and subdue and fold away parts of herself, the child had to be perfect.

Yarn had been a foolish choice, she knew, the stuff for women of leisure, who could cradle wool in the comfort of their own cars and in secure houses devoid of loose nails. Not for an assistant hairdresser who took danfo to work if she had money, walked if she didn’t, and lived in an “apartment” that amounted to a room she could clear in three large steps. Women like her had to form their children out of sturdier, more practical material to withstand the dents and scrapes that came with a life like hers. Her mother had formed her from mud and twigs and wrapped her limbs tightly with leaves, like moin moin: pedestrian items that had produced a pedestrian girl. Ogechi was determined that her child would be a thing of whimsy, soft and pretty and tender and worthy of love. But first she had to go to work.

freedom -- "Then I realized she never knew the real me." This totally resonates for Me. I'll try to give a longer reply later but yeah, all she ever 'knew' was her perception of who and what I am.

That really made me smile free

Starblaze, I had a this thought process just the other night while driving alone. Some of my best work gets done in the car.

I was thinking that my mom has no idea who I or my children are any longer. Then I realized she never knew the real me.

She loves to tell the story of how, when I was 2, I refused to wear what she wanted me to and picked out my own clothing. Except she tells it like I was a horrible child who wouldn't do what she wanted me to. Well, I was two. And I am hard headed and know what I want. That doesn't make me a bad person. The theme carried on through my childhood and included her greatest hits such as "I can see why he broke up with you", "you are a b!tch" and "hard to love".

Her favorite thing to tell me was that she hoped I had children just like me. Jokes on her, I do. And I LOVE it! My children stand up for themselves and others. It does get interesting around my house, especially for my poor husband. But he loves me and his children so she was wrong.

I wonder what my mum would make of me if she could see me now. I'm a totally different person than the one she knew.

Then again, her idea of who I am was always different to who I actually am so maybe she would run with that anyway.

I know though, I know how much healthier and happier I am and things will continue to get better, I'll keep figuring things out.

That Jeff Brown quote is beautiful-