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EAC FOG FREE. Healing resources on the topic of abusive parents.

(40 Posts)
Starblaze Fri 16-Oct-20 21:53:46

Back by popular demand!

All inclusive!

Better than ever!

Don't believe the hype!

A place to share and show the way. If something helped you bring out the sun and chase the fog away it belongs here.

If you want to show support to the child and adult child survivors of parental abuse, it belongs here.

I've had many messages of love for the old thread and how much people benefited from it, let's continue sharing what works.

Starblaze Fri 16-Oct-20 21:57:06

Finding freedom in positive self-talk

freedomfromthepast Sat 17-Oct-20 00:18:26

I am coming out of lurkdom to thank you for this thread. Starblaze, you are brave for putting this out there. This thread is important to me, and I am sure many other lurkers and posters, because finding support as an EAC is difficult. Sometimes we need to hear other EAC stories and perspective and share support resources. I started reading on this forum about a year ago after I stumbled upon it. I have never posted because I am a bit younger than most here, I still have teenagers. And I am in the US.

I am an EAC because my mother was emotionally abusive. I tried, until I was 43 years old, to make it work. I excused her because "that is how she is", "she was abused as a kid so "her mental illness is not her fault". Then she turned her mind games onto my children which caused one of them to be suicidal. I was done. The cycle stops with me. She has never gotten help for any of her issues and that is on her. Though she doesn't BELIEVE she has issues, only that she is a victim of her children. All 3 of which have cut contact with her as a self preservation tactic.

Anyhow, Starblaze, thank you again for this thread.

HolyHannah Sat 17-Oct-20 01:15:58

freedomfromthepast -- I hope other lurkers will also feel comfortable coming forward and telling their truths. I am sorry for what you have been through. My choice to protect my children/go No Contact was not easy but ultimately I know it was/is correct.

I wish you all well in your healing journey. Every person in your family will have different experiences of dealing with the abuser. I encourage you all to talk and share your experiences. It is one of the best paths towards the cycle not repeating further.

freedomfromthepast Sat 17-Oct-20 02:54:08

Thank you for your kind welcome HolyHannah. We are working through the experience as a family as we are all much stronger. I no longer feel guilt because I have accepted the situation for what it is, something out of my control. Do I wish my mother was well and we had a great family dynamic? Yes. But I don't and I am not going to dwell on it. I cant change her.

I feel lucky that I am the scapegoat as I have developed the strength from my life experiences to stand up for myself and my children. It was hard, but I did it.

My daughter is well by the way. And my siblings and I have created the best support network. While our experiences were different, they weren't THAT different apparently. We are still learning things even now that happened during our childhood that we never knew about the other. It amazes me when I hear EAC telling such similar stories even without being related. That is why support threads such as these are important as well.

HolyHannah Sat 17-Oct-20 03:02:53

freedomfromthepast -- Another wise EAC said a long time ago when someone asked, "Did we have the same 'mom'?" His reply was, "We ALL had the same 'mom'." It really stuck with Me and then I met my husband. I was like, "I don't remember having a brother but I'm sure we have the same 'mom'."

It's why I work very hard to not sound like my own because it triggers Him.

Smileless2012 Sat 17-Oct-20 09:57:41

Welcome to GN freedomfromthepast it's good to see someone posting for the first time, especially when they've been reading the threads on GN.

I can understand how your 'tolerance' of your mother's behaviour ended when she began treating your children in the same way. I'm sorry to hear that your D became suicidal because of this; it's great to know that she is now well thanks to the support she's received from her family.

I agree, it is amazing to see the similarities when stories of estrangement are being shared. Just knowing that you are not alone, that your experiences are not 'unique' is comforting.

Starblaze Sat 17-Oct-20 10:47:14

freedom I'm so glad you have created a strong support network for yourself as well as joining the support network we are trying to create here.

Starblaze Sat 17-Oct-20 10:55:59

I was thinking this morning about the similarities between abusive people.

I think maybe it is because all abusers and enablers are emotionally abusive and the tactics for emotional abuse are the same.

When it comes to sexual or physical abuse or even neglect, in order to hide it, and force the victim to accept it everyone who knows that is happening employs emotional abuse tactics to cover it up.

The same with emotional abuse, everyone who knows the emotional abuse is happening employs the same tactics to cover it up.

We look at our main abuser but sometimes don't realise how much reinforcement of that abuse was going on and how that is also abuse.

I think that's why they are all the same no matter how different our experiences are.

There is finite amount of emotional abuse tactics and all abusers use them.

Starblaze Sat 17-Oct-20 11:19:04

This is a very quick outline of emotional abuse tactics employed by all abusers and how to respond.

It does clarify that not responding or engaging with abusers or attempts to abuse is a defence tactic and not the same as ignoring problems/concerns within the relationationhip.

Smileless2012 Sat 17-Oct-20 11:33:20

That's why estrangement is the best option and often the only option for some. Being estranged by or estranging from your abuser takes you out of their control and negates any effort on their part to carry on with the abuse.

Those who have found that freedom, despite the cost for some, are I think fortunate as there are many who end up in a relationship of co dependency with their abuser so the cycle continues.

There's so much to be gained and to be thankful for when the relationship with an abuser ends. This often enables the cycle of abuse to be broken.

As I've posted many times here on GN; the only way to win the game is to stop playing. Sometimes silence is painful, but when you can see that that in it's self is beneficial, it becomes golden.

Starblaze Sat 17-Oct-20 12:11:38

Interesting thoughts Smileless

Starblaze Sat 17-Oct-20 12:13:09

Jeff Brown speaking to us on a deep level again today

MrsWarren Sat 17-Oct-20 12:59:33

Welcome freedomfromthepast.

I’m so happy to see this thread - thank you Starblaze.

Smileless2012 Sat 17-Oct-20 13:45:46

He's spot on there isn't he. ...sometimes they have outlived their usefulness, and are ready to be shed so we can actually align with our true nature.

We are all a combination of our fundamental personality traits and how traumatic experiences in our lives have shaped us.

rosecarmel Sat 17-Oct-20 14:46:26

That Jeff Brown quote is beautiful-

Starblaze Sat 17-Oct-20 17:25:52

I wonder what my mum would make of me if she could see me now. I'm a totally different person than the one she knew.

Then again, her idea of who I am was always different to who I actually am so maybe she would run with that anyway.

I know though, I know how much healthier and happier I am and things will continue to get better, I'll keep figuring things out.

freedomfromthepast Sat 17-Oct-20 19:27:21

Starblaze, I had a this thought process just the other night while driving alone. Some of my best work gets done in the car.

I was thinking that my mom has no idea who I or my children are any longer. Then I realized she never knew the real me.

She loves to tell the story of how, when I was 2, I refused to wear what she wanted me to and picked out my own clothing. Except she tells it like I was a horrible child who wouldn't do what she wanted me to. Well, I was two. And I am hard headed and know what I want. That doesn't make me a bad person. The theme carried on through my childhood and included her greatest hits such as "I can see why he broke up with you", "you are a b!tch" and "hard to love".

Her favorite thing to tell me was that she hoped I had children just like me. Jokes on her, I do. And I LOVE it! My children stand up for themselves and others. It does get interesting around my house, especially for my poor husband. But he loves me and his children so she was wrong.

Starblaze Sat 17-Oct-20 19:42:24

That really made me smile free

HolyHannah Sat 17-Oct-20 19:49:00

freedom -- "Then I realized she never knew the real me." This totally resonates for Me. I'll try to give a longer reply later but yeah, all she ever 'knew' was her perception of who and what I am.

rosecarmel Mon 26-Oct-20 14:37:43

Sometimes healing comes from the reading of stories-

Here is an excerpt from one I stumbled upon:

Who Will Greet You At Home by Lesley Nneka Arimah

The yarn baby lasted a good month, emitting dry, cotton-soft gurgles and pooping little balls of lint, before Ogechi snagged its thigh on a nail and it unravelled as she continued walking, mistaking its little huffs for the beginnings of hunger, not the cries of an infant being undone. By the time she noticed, it was too late, the leg a tangle of fibre, and she pulled the string the rest of the way to end it, rather than have the infant grow up maimed. If she was to mother a child, to mute and subdue and fold away parts of herself, the child had to be perfect.

Yarn had been a foolish choice, she knew, the stuff for women of leisure, who could cradle wool in the comfort of their own cars and in secure houses devoid of loose nails. Not for an assistant hairdresser who took danfo to work if she had money, walked if she didn’t, and lived in an “apartment” that amounted to a room she could clear in three large steps. Women like her had to form their children out of sturdier, more practical material to withstand the dents and scrapes that came with a life like hers. Her mother had formed her from mud and twigs and wrapped her limbs tightly with leaves, like moin moin: pedestrian items that had produced a pedestrian girl. Ogechi was determined that her child would be a thing of whimsy, soft and pretty and tender and worthy of love. But first she had to go to work.

Astral Tue 27-Oct-20 01:06:00

That's beautifully sad rosecarmel.

Women sometimes have such high expectations placed on them to look good and be good and continue the expectation of warm loving mothers. Its just not a job suitable for everyone.

Imagine having a child and expecting perfection from them, you cannot be a warm loving mother and demand it so instead use guilt and manipulation as a means to control your child while ignoring their real needs.

Then when this becomes too much and they start showing signs of distress, just continue to push and pull and express your desires of who they should be until they finally unravel. Then claim that unravelling was just something that happened, an accident, a faulty stitch, too weak a materiel or a misplaced nail and no inattention on their part at all.

I have so much empathy for everyone here.

rosecarmel Tue 27-Oct-20 03:21:19

That's a beautiful response, Astral- The story might take on entirely new meanings with each reading of it- Especially now when more women have experienced permanent job loss as a result of the ongoing pandemic- It's been determined they represent two thirds of the overall number of the unemployed- Many of which are mothers- Or soon to be- Some single- Few having planned in advance for such a catastrophe but all forging ahead- Ready or not for sharp corners, loose floorboards and food lines and the glaring inequity and expectation for them to be completely malleable-

Fuchsiarose Tue 27-Oct-20 04:00:59

I found this thread interesting. I was dragged up, I rarely talk about it. But I grew up to be really strong, kind and loving. Had one AC, who was brought up with love and care. She has given me the most awful time since she was 16. I love her very much but dont understand her. She has been abusive to me for many years. A few weeks ago, I asked her to leave my home as I wasnt going to suffer like this anymore. She refused to leave. Screaming at me, i had enough.
I pulled the cord, the voice in the box on the wall asked her to leave or police would be called. She scrambled for her things and fled. Peace for me. I have experienced both sides, as a child and a mother. Sometimes tough love works. She is at present, asleep in my home, having arrived with numerous bags and giving me a kiss on the cheek. For the first time ever, watch this space.

rosecarmel Tue 27-Oct-20 06:19:50

I didn't need a mother that was strong, kind and loving- And thats all- I needed one that talked- About her failures and flaws, the mistakes that she made and what she did when things went terribly wrong so that I could learn it was ok to me-Imperfect- And understood-

How I wished we could have sat cross-legged on the floor, rummaging through the rucksacks and baggage- Tipping over backwards with laughter as she explained why she wound my arrow straight hair so tight to make it wavy-

But that didn't happen- She was the kind, strong, loving parent- That's all- And that I never actually had-