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Adult daughter with mental health issues has cut me out of her life

(33 Posts)
Libbylou99 Fri 30-Oct-20 16:43:01

My adult daughter has suffered with an anxiety disorder since a teenager. She has had some episodes of normal life and is married with a 6 yr old dtr & lives 100 miles away. The last 2 years her mental health has been and she has not left the house. Her husband works from home and supports her - I think he enables her to continue but cannot see this. For 2 yrs my gdaughter hasn’t left the house either except for school ( she is taken by a childminder). I visit as much as possible to giver her trips out and some normality. They have plenty of money and my daughter has been employing various therapists to support her. The background to all this is that I was married to a deceptive and manipulative man. I put up with too much divorcing him when I discovered he had 3 children with other women. My daughter has undoubtedly been severely effected by this. A recent therapist said she has pent up anger, I get this, but the anger has been turned on me and she will no longer let me take my grandaughter out or visit. She does not answer calls /texts. Have taken a step back but am worried sick for the whole family. Don’t know what to do for the best.

V3ra Fri 30-Oct-20 22:55:55

Libbylou99 the past is not something you can deal with right now.
You need to make that call for your granddaughter's sake. That's all you need to do for now.
It is scary, I know; I've done it and it wasn't even family.

welbeck Fri 30-Oct-20 23:34:40

could you ring the NSPCC advice line and share your concerns with them.
all the best.
it does sound an unhealthy environment for the child.
not the worst, but with such isolation, not the best.
good luck.

welbeck Fri 30-Oct-20 23:35:26

at least she goes to school.
thank goodness they are not home-schooling.

Astral Sat 31-Oct-20 00:57:36

I'm a bit worried about some of the advice here.

Anyone involved in mental health will be trained in safeguarding, if there are concerns over your granddaughter, they will have been raised already.

Many families are spending a great deal of time at home right now, as long as your granddaughter is loved she will be resilient enough to cope with that. She has socialisation at school.

If you call social services, you run the risk of your daughter guessing it was you. You will lose her and your granddaughter if social services become involved and find no issues.

As for her husband, he is not enabling her, he is supporting her, she is doing the right thing and getting help. If he were to push her, she may very well go backwards.

I think you need to take a step back and just offer positive support. You may destroy your relationship for good on this path, when your daughter is already pulling away from you.

I'm sorry but the way she will probably look at it is you being controlling or seeking revenge. Two years and you didn't report her, she pulls away and suddenly she is investigated, that's very easy math.

Lolo81 Sat 31-Oct-20 03:01:49

Astral has given some very good advice, if agencies are engaged already then there will have been safeguarding evaluations done.

Given the current climate with Covid children are not able to socialise out with the school environment, so what tangible changes do you envision happening in the immediate future?

I would tread very cautiously in your shoes, the best thing to offer is unconditional support and availability.

Libbylou99 Sat 31-Oct-20 08:27:47

Thanks for this, like your words re space. Already having counselling - originally to help me with losing my sister to cancer but this situation has now become the focus of our sessions. Re community mental health team dd will no longer engage with nhs as she feels they have let her down in the past so they are not involved. I agree with her I understand how wary she is, however this means she looks for support on line and has engaged with a number of alternative therapies some of which appear to make things worse. Her husband and I communicate as I think it is important for him to know there is someone out there for him. He has no one else - he is lovely patient and kind and I make sure he knows how much I value all he does - I just wish that he could use his influence to ensure she accesses professional help.

OceanMama Sat 31-Oct-20 09:16:47

Unfortunately her husband cannot make her access help or do anything. It's not fair to expect that of him. He can encourage and support but it's in your daughter's hands to decide to access helps.