Have you reconnected with an estranged parent?

Most of you once again maintain the position that people stop talking to their parents for no reason

I haven't seen anyone say that. Posters are pointing out that when estrangement happens then any process of reconciliation will be fraught with difficulties and fears on both sides. The OP has got back in touch and is now unhappy about her parents responses to that. Posters are pointing out what her parents might potentially be feeling, what their fears might be, why they might be "standing back". That might help the OP to look at the situation from other perspectives, which might help her going forward in this relationship or help her in her future decisions!

Your collective bitterness and lack of accountability is palpable

Posters have responded to the OP; EAC and EPs have given opinions, options, perspectives for consideration in clear, honest and measured ways! They really dont need or deserve to then have those potentially helpful comments turned on them into an interpretation of a "collective" emotion that suits only one perpective.

*You didnt reconnect, you .

Hithere I think that is true

MarytheBookeeper It does sound like there are things to be addressed for all parties if the relationship is to move forward. Ignoring them, and sweeping them under the carpet, probably wont work. You didnt ask for an apology but now appear to feel that what was apologised for was the wrong things. I think you need to be very clear in your own mind what it is you are wanting by reconnecting, by changing your mind about estrangement. Once you are clear about that you need to express it to your parents. And you need to ask them what they want too and listen. Their response will lead your future decisions.

...you rugswept Sorry Hithere, bit of the quote got cut!

Madgran77

*Most of you once again maintain the position that people stop talking to their parents for no reason*

I haven't seen anyone say that. Posters are pointing out that when estrangement happens then any process of reconciliation will be fraught with difficulties and fears on both sides. The OP has got back in touch and is now unhappy about her parents responses to that. Posters are pointing out what her parents might potentially be feeling, what their fears might be, why they might be "standing back". That might help the OP to look at the situation from other perspectives, which might help her going forward in this relationship or help her in her future decisions!

Your collective bitterness and lack of accountability is palpable

Posters have responded to the OP; EAC and EPs have given opinions, options, perspectives for consideration in clear, honest and measured ways! They really dont need or deserve to then have those potentially helpful comments turned on them into an interpretation of a "collective" emotion that suits only one perpective.

Cherry picking and glossing over as per usual-

Disco, two comments and you sever contact! I would be hesitant to go back there, walking on eggshells.

rosecarmel

Blaming is rarely the answer, if ever- And controlling individuals choose those they can control- If one has to hold their child accountable for their decision to be controlled they can also hold those they chose accountable for being controlling-

Well, my MIL blames me for being controlling. However, all actions taken to involve them came from me, all gifts sent came from me, all photos provided came from me, all thank yous came from me, you name it, it was me who did it. If I hadn't, none of it would have ever happened.

Unfortunately MIL wasn't happy with all I gave them, it wasn't enough. I tried to make it a regular thing, inviting them to visit once a month (there was distance involved). Not enough so they didn't keep up with those visits. Did she ever invite me to visit them? No. Eventually, I had enough of the treatment and direct blame, so decided to drop it and let DH do all the work to involve his family. After ten years of it, I was spent trying. I just informed him he was now responsible for gifts and invites and quietly left it to him to go ahead and do that. Of course, DH did nothing because he just doesn't. No more gifts or invites.

The one thing I did do since then was notify them of our child's death because DH would just never have got around to it. If I hadn't told them, they still wouldn't know. Maybe I shouldn't have, I'm not certain whether it was the right thing or not really, but it felt wrong not to at the time. Maybe it was just a weak moment on my part since this family ignoring each other nonsense doesn't come naturally to me.

If it makes them feel better, they can continue to blame me. I don't have to deal with it. If they knew him better they would know he is just not good at maintaining any relationships. The only thing I need to know now is, me being blamed or not, it's their drama and I'm not having any involvement in it.

My point is that blame can be misplaced, especially if blinkered about your own child. It can even cause you to lose everything when you target the one person who is the reason you have what you have in the first place. I guess it's always easier to blame an outsider.

It's so hard Thistelass when you believe as we do, that if it were not for our EAC's partner our estrangement would never have happened. That said, it is our EAC's decision and for us, knowing that our son has been manipulated and coerced by his wife into cutting us out of his, and our only GC's lives, is the hardest aspect of our estrangement.

"blame can be misplaced* yes it can OceanMama and that certainly appears to be the case in your situation. Having tried so hard to include your parents' in law in your families life, it must have been horrible to be the one being blamed for your H's 'can't be bothered' attitude.

FWIW I think you did the right thing telling them about the death of your child. I'm so very sorry; I cannot begin to imagine how heartbreaking your loss must be.

Cherry picking and glossing over as per usual

I agree Madgran that there's been "cherry picking and glossing over as per usual" but not by you.

sparkling, those two comments were the last of a long line, many years, of problems. They weren’t isolated. I’m not giving details as it could identify me, but just to say, one involved the death of someone, and there was nothing I could do about it afterwards.

Disco, two comments and you sever contact! I would be hesitant to go back there, walking on eggshells*

I didnt read Discos comment as saying it was just 2 comments that caused estrangement, more they were the last straw.

Oh maybe yes, I thought she meant she would be treading on eggshells with a daughter, if only two comments were made. I’m normally so much better face to face?

Disco

Yes. I am now not sure if I was actually estranged or that I just thought I was....the situation was that one of my parents moved a long way away and didn't leave a forwarding address. I was very hurt at the time, but I now know it was mental health. Sometimes people do what they have to, to survive and it's not personal.

I think reading about how Hitler thought he was doing God's will made me realise that people can have polar opposite ideas about the same situation.

"People disappear all the time. Young girls run away from home. Children stray from their parents and are never seen again. Housewives take the grocery money and a taxi to the train station. Most are found, eventually. Disappearances, after all, have explanations... Usually." - - Claire Randall

My AD does more than estrange from me she likes to put the knife in and keep turning it (that is how I put it verbally and obviously she does not do it in the physical sense).
The longest she has kept me estranged is just over five months and then she wants to re-enter my life. Like the fool I am I have been waiting in the wings for a reconciliation and usually resume contact.
I have endured several years of this and without any real reason things go quiet between us and never any explanation from my daughter what the problem is.
To bring me to the latest no contact from my daughter this is what happened six weeks ago AD decided to take in a house guest/lodger she barely knew the person and told me she was helping him out for a few days. Over one month later this person was still in her property, I did not want any involvement about this and never went to her house. Luckily my other daughter has the children stay at her flat every two weeks so I was able to see them there.
Nine days ago I texted my daughter to ask how she was, she said okay and then said the lodger was going in two days.
In the last week I have texted her twice keeping things light-hearted I made no comment about the lodger but if he has gone then I don't mind visiting. There has been no reply to the last two texts and so I do not know what the situation is at the moment. The original poster said something about her parents should be thrilled to be back in contact again.
I would have no feelings of being thrilled to be back in contact with my daughter I have had more than enough of her behaviour and every time she tries to find something more outrageous to shock me with.
With a lockdown starting tomorrow I am not even going to try and see her at her house and anyway as she has not responded to the texts it looks like she has given me her answer. At least with no contact I have the chance to hold onto my sanity and look after my mental health, which for me is the main thing.

I'm so sorry that you are once again in 'no man's land' when it comes to your relationship with your D 3nanny.

The yo yo on/off relationship your D imposes on you must be a nightmare, with you never really knowing from one day to the next if you've been estranged again, or if you will be.

In addition are the children. With it being so difficult and upsetting for you, what must it be like for them? Thank goodness you are able to see your GC when they stay with your other D as at least that enables you to retain a relationship with them.

I think you're right not to contact her again but to wait and see if she gets in touch with you. "I would have no feelings of being thrilled to be back in contact with my daughter". I would be the same I'm sure about our ES.

We've been spared the emotional roller coaster your D keeps you riding on as there's been no contact, well apart from the email 2 days after my mum died 2 months ago. That has enabled us to hold onto our sanity, and there were times when that felt impossible, and to restore our mental health.

Take care of yourself 3nanny.

OceanMama

rosecarmel

Blaming is rarely the answer, if ever- And controlling individuals choose those they can control- If one has to hold their child accountable for their decision to be controlled they can also hold those they chose accountable for being controlling-

Well, my MIL blames me for being controlling. However, all actions taken to involve them came from me, all gifts sent came from me, all photos provided came from me, all thank yous came from me, you name it, it was me who did it. If I hadn't, none of it would have ever happened.

Unfortunately MIL wasn't happy with all I gave them, it wasn't enough. I tried to make it a regular thing, inviting them to visit once a month (there was distance involved). Not enough so they didn't keep up with those visits. Did she ever invite me to visit them? No. Eventually, I had enough of the treatment and direct blame, so decided to drop it and let DH do all the work to involve his family. After ten years of it, I was spent trying. I just informed him he was now responsible for gifts and invites and quietly left it to him to go ahead and do that. Of course, DH did nothing because he just doesn't. No more gifts or invites.

The one thing I did do since then was notify them of our child's death because DH would just never have got around to it. If I hadn't told them, they still wouldn't know. Maybe I shouldn't have, I'm not certain whether it was the right thing or not really, but it felt wrong not to at the time. Maybe it was just a weak moment on my part since this family ignoring each other nonsense doesn't come naturally to me.

If it makes them feel better, they can continue to blame me. I don't have to deal with it. If they knew him better they would know he is just not good at maintaining any relationships. The only thing I need to know now is, me being blamed or not, it's their drama and I'm not having any involvement in it.

My point is that blame can be misplaced, especially if blinkered about your own child. It can even cause you to lose everything when you target the one person who is the reason you have what you have in the first place. I guess it's always easier to blame an outsider.

I recognize and understand the dynamic OceanMama- No amount of cards, gifts or invites to dinner make being in the company of a passive/controlling marriage dynamic comfortable- It's nobody's fault, nor is anyone to blame for it-

You described your husband as disinterested- And it appears that his parents are equally as disinterested- Fruit didn't fall too far from the tree-

I'm very sorry about the loss of your son- ?

3nanny6 I am sorry that this is happening to you.

OceanMama You tried very hard. You clearly did the right thing for yourself by no longer engaging in their drama.

And how generous spirited and kind of you to think of them when your child died, that is such a credit to you.

rosecarmel, I'm not sure if I'm understanding your comment correctly but it seems like you are suggesting my MIL found being in the presence of my controlling marriage too difficult? If that's right, and it makes you feel better, you may believe what you want.

I don't think that the issue is that either her or my husband are disinterested. I think they just don't know how to communicate with each other so it's easier not to try. I don't get that kind of dynamic but it's not my problem anymore. I just focus on my own family now, who I have a good relationship with.

OceanMama, in your earlier post you indicated that your husband is not good at maintaining relationships- Then in your next post indicate that you have a good relationship with your family-

You also indicated that your mother in-law blames you for being controlling-

Does it matter? It's your marriage-

But if controlling? Yes, it can be uncomfortable being in the company of a couple with that dynamic-

rosecarmel, I have a good relationship with my family because we communicate and negotiate and work together. I can't think of one person my mother has cut off. My MIL has cut off many for various offenses over the years. MIL strongly disapproves of 2 out of 3 of her children in law.

Maybe I shouldn't have said my MIL blames me for being controlling. That might have been the wrong word. She actually blames me for excluding them, more specifically. I suppose that's why I object, because it's been completely the opposite.

My husband is autistic and that affects how he communicates and socialises. That's not my fault. It's not his either. I can understand MIL being hurt at what looks like indifference from him (it's not). I get that. That doesn't mean she gets to scapegoat me for it.

OceanMama, people end relationships for different reasons- You estranged your in-laws after years of effort- Who is to say why your mother in law estranged the individuals she did over the years-

And as far as parents not liking who their children choose to marry, it's common- I think it's often because the parent goes into it expecting to get along with who their child chose and if they don't they think their child is in a bad marriage- ?

How do you know your mother in law blames you when neither your husband or yourself communicate with her? Did she tell you this?

rosecarmel, I did not estrange my inlaws. Estranging is not my style. All I did was back off and hand the responsibility for invites, communication and gifts to my husband.

Yes, it has directly been said it is my fault. As far as I can tell, there was a rigid vision of how grandparenting was going to be and anything else was unacceptable. One reason I personally heard was that it is my fault because I chose to breastfeed my babies when should have given them bottles because it interfered with their plans for my children. I have been blamed for my husband's anxiety over things (he had an anxiety disorder and was in counselling for it before we even met). I was instructed to not have more children to make it easier for her son (who must have had nothing to do with the choice to have more children). Then produced another child. So yes, I'm sure she thinks her child is in a bad marriage.

It's nothing to do with me anymore. If it was, I can think of an approach that might help heal things. It's what I would do if it was my family. However, I have to mind my own business, so that is up to DH and he is highly unlikely to do anything at all.