Gransnet forums


Abusive daughter

(22 Posts)
LPlater Sat 07-Nov-20 11:59:03

Hi, this is my first post. i joined to try and find help dealing with with 30 plus yr old daughter who is contining to abuse me. The latest surrounds my husabnd and I trying to repaint our home. Our daughter lived downstairs with her boyfriend and son before she left for a job overseas. We took over partial care of her son for the year and a half she was away. G/son would regularly be with us, so had one of the rooms. We cleared that room to paint it, packing up all of the things. Daughter is now yelling that we should have consulterd her first as I am always throwing out her things, etc. She had a 30th b/day party before she left, leaving the place in a mess. Would not respond when we asked what we should do with some of the things she left. So we stored some, and gave other things (only 4 eskys), and spent some time cleaning up the rubbish. We only received $50 @ wk to look after her teenage son, dog, and 2 lizards. Throughout her time away, she was aggresive, similiar to what happened when she lived with us. I paid for my husband and me to take her son to visit her while she was overseas, and have bought him clothes, etc. I really dont know what to do any more. She is such a strong willed person who wants everything. Even very angry when we chose 2 of our sons as executors for our wills. My husband and I are not young. We have 7 children. We are worried how her behaviour is becoming a negative influence on our g/son. I have tried to reason with her, but she wants everything her way. No matter what I do, it is not right. I have sought local advice, but it had not helped. I am now asking if any members reading my post can assist? As I said, my husband and I are not young. We both had to return to work, and are still working into our 60's and 70's. We just want the family to get on. It has been impacting on my relationship with my husband who queries what whether what my daughter is saying me is true. I would welcome any advice you can give. Thank you. thanks

Toadinthehole Sat 07-Nov-20 12:09:09

I really can’t think of any other way to sort this other than talking. How old is your grandson? Is your daughter back now, as you talk about ‘ the year and a half she was away’? Is the boyfriend still around? Sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond, and now it’s time to draw a line. This has to stop. You have other family, and a husband. This won’t get better until you address it. She may threaten estrangement, but at the moment, this may be a better way to go, for the good of your health. You know her best, and deep down, I think you know what has to be done. I wish you all the best.

Bibbity Sat 07-Nov-20 12:09:20

Send her one message telling her that she must arrange collection of her belongs by X date. That it will be boxed up and ready.
And then block her. Block her number. Block her email. However she is getting through to you. Block it.

sodapop Sat 07-Nov-20 13:04:48

You don't say how old your grandson is LPlater or where you live. Child care issues are dealt with differently in other countries.
I think you have done quite enough for your ungrateful daughter, there comes a time when you have to question what you are doing. Are any of your other children able to help with talking to your daughter about her unreasonable demands on you.
I would continue to support your grandson as much as you can but for the sake of your own health do as Bibbity says and give her a deadline for collecting her things.
Sometimes you have to stand up to bullies even if they are family members.

Smileless2012 Sat 07-Nov-20 13:34:14

I totally agree with Bibbity LPlater; enough is enough.

RiverQueen Mon 09-Nov-20 07:02:23


Send her one message telling her that she must arrange collection of her belongs by X date. That it will be boxed up and ready.
And then block her. Block her number. Block her email. However she is getting through to you. Block it.

I agree that sometimes "enough is enough" as Smileless2012 said.

When I read stories from younger people who estrange from their elders/parents by ending contact, it is viewed as wrong/bad/abusive by many...

In this case the child has 'done wrong' and the advise/wisdom is to cut them off! Shun them because they are bad and have wronged the parent.

That street runs both ways from my POV...

Madgran77 Mon 09-Nov-20 07:43:20

When I read stories from younger people who estrange from their elders/parents by ending contact, it is viewed as wrong/bad/abusive by many...

It depends on the story as to whether it is viewed as wrong, for both EAC and EPs. Every story is different! On another thread, posters are advising cut off from a MIL whose behaviour appears off the scale!!

SilentGames Mon 09-Nov-20 07:45:31

Why do some adult children think it’s okay to treat their parents like absolute rubbish. Read what you have just written and it’s very obvious who is to blame here. Parents really love their children and fear losing them. But it takes a special kind of selfish to treat their parents like they owe them a life for ever. You need to speak to her outright and ask if she wants a relationship with her parents which involves respect. You want to say to her you want nothing more than to be able to help/support her and her grandson but you have needs too and will not accept being disrespected anymore as you are not getting any younger. You know deep down if she is that spiteful and selfish you may lose her but then that’s her choice. You want to help her but not be taken advantage of as love works both ways. She is going to carry on for as long as you allow her and giving her permission to feel justified. You are worth more than that.

M0nica Mon 09-Nov-20 07:53:19

She can only shout at you if you listen to he. When she starts shouting, put the phone down or turn and walk away.

You say she is one of 7. How do the other 6 behave towards you and what is their attutude to their sister's behaviour? I would have thought that they should have come together and told her her behaviour is unacceptable. Do you have any idea why your daughter behaves as she does?

BlueBelle Mon 09-Nov-20 08:17:41

I think there are some bits left out
I m taking it you are in America but I suppose other countries use dollars so maybe not
Why was your daughter boyfriend and son living with you in the first place?
Do I take it the son was not the boyfriends ? So where is his father you say you took partial care of him was that along with his father and was this all talked over and decided before she took the job overseas?
I m not sure what ‘4 eskeys ‘ means but did she know you were going to throw some things out or was it literally rubbish from the party?
How old is the grandson if she’s just 30 and he’s a teenager she must have been very very young when she had him ?
As you call her ‘ my daughter’ is your husband not her father?and is she back living at your house ?

Personally I don’t think it’s that useful to say enough is enough get her out just isn’t that simple

It all sounds so vague as if you all just fell into these arrangements
You all need to sit down to talk husband, you, daughter, and preferably someone not involved who can act as peace keeper and you need to draw up guidelines, grandson time who does what etc If that’s not possible write it down when you have a clear mind and give it to her in written form it can be a 1 2 3 sheet stating what you can give as well as what she needs to give
Some people need STRONG guidelines or rules
If after a set number of months things are no better then consider you will know you tried everything, at the moment it all sounds so vague and ‘ruleless that she will do what she wants which certainly won’t be in your interest but her own

Lastly welcome and I hope you can find some alternatives to this chaotic and damaging lifestyle

Lucca Mon 09-Nov-20 09:10:27

Bluebelle an esky I believe is a cold box for picnics, drinks etc.

Lucca Mon 09-Nov-20 09:12:03

The OP was on Saturday would be useful if poster returned to address some questions ? This would mAke it easier to advise.

Shropshirelass Mon 09-Nov-20 09:21:03

Just because she is your daughter you do not have to accept her appalling behaviour and lack of respect towards you. I would cut her off and see if she comes to her senses. Could her siblings speak to her about how she is treating you? I have distanced myself from some members of my family due to the way they treat me and other family members. Also blocked one from bombarding me with texts. Good luck, it is not easy.

Fuchsiarose Tue 10-Nov-20 09:03:14

This is stressful for you. My D has been like this a long time, until she stayed off and on with me, and I realised that she was suffering domestic abuse. I settled her into a bedsit, with essential items, bedding etc. Although she wanted to stay in my home, I said no, kept saying no, until she went. I love her, but I would be doing her no favours to live with me. Since she went, it has been quiet. No calls, no return calls to me, not bothered. I can die happy in the knowledge she ir self sufficient.

Sparkling Tue 10-Nov-20 22:36:59

Fuschia Rose, I'm truly shocked at what has happened yo your daughter. She was secretly abused by her partner and came to you for help, which you gave by finding her a bed sit. How would it have hurt for her to stay with you until her confidence had been built up, why did you say no when she needed support? A bedsit when you have a violent partner, no one to talk to, to support her. You seem relieved at no communication, it would be a nightmare to me. I have to know my family are well even if I don't see them often, they are the people I care most about, if they are not happy, I cant be. Can't you just go and see her, take her some flowers and a gift and say you wanted to see she was alright, it sounds as if she just has you, she must feel unwanted.

Sparkling Wed 11-Nov-20 06:50:54

Fuschia, my reply was how I felt about your situation, I am sorry if it's not view and hope things work out for you all.
LPlater, I agree with everything Bibbity said. You have to draw a line when dealing with selfish entitled people before they drag you down. How many daughters would love you as a mom , thank goodness you were there for grandson.

Fuchsiarose Wed 11-Nov-20 07:20:17

Sparling . Thank you. For your reply. I love my daughter very much, but I could not live with her as an adult. You have no idea how much I suffered since she was 16 years old. And how she nearly destroyed me. I wont go into it here, but I have always loved her. I am always there for her, I see her every day. I phone her often. Generally, I could wait till I die, and she would still blame me for everything. She wont take responsibility for anything. Financial or otherwise. I am trying to help her to independence. She is not allowed to live with me under my tenancy agreement. She has stayed with me often. I love her very much, and if ever there was a mother who cared too much it was me. I hope you realise there are two sides to every story, and my story, remains that, my story. When I see her, everyday, I am her support network. She turns to me, when she wants help, then disappears out of my life as it suits her. I am always here, waiting, and she is the sole beneficiary of my will. I know you meant well sparkling, but sometimes a mothers lot is a sad one

Fuchsiarose Wed 11-Nov-20 07:22:02

Sorry. Sparkling

Madgran77 Wed 11-Nov-20 08:40:01

Fuchsiarose flowers

Smileless2012 Wed 11-Nov-20 09:46:53

"sometimes a mothers lot is a sad one" you do what you can in difficult circumstances Fuchsiaroseflowers.

Astral Wed 11-Nov-20 10:01:18

LPlater, what is your daughter saying that your husband thinks might be true? Sorry it is very difficult to advise based on your original post. Is this a selfish inconsiderate daughter or is this a daughter under a lot of stress and pressure of her own who is unable to support her son properly right now?

Also it isnt OK to rifle through or get rid of another's belongings without asking I'm afraid. I wouldn't do that to my minor children let alone an adult. So you may need to accept responsibility on that one

icanhandthemback Thu 26-Nov-20 10:34:03

Maybe with the best of intentions, you seem to have trampled on some of your daughter's boundaries by throwing out her stuff (what you deemed as rubbish, she might not), giving her things away, etc. You seem to have confused your graciousness of looking after her child with the right to do what you want with her things without so much as a by your leave. Maybe an apology for unwittingly doing this might start to build bridges so you can address other issues which are obviously concerning you.
It is possible that you are dealing with somebody who has mental health issues. Having a good relationship with your other children which is in start contrast with your relationship with your daughter is often a clue about Borderline Personality Disorder. I can highly recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger. Even if your daughter doesn't have BPD, the strategies in the book are very useful for dealing with anyone who is difficult.