Warning: long post
I’m a DIL. I’ve been with my husband for 10yrs, we finally got married this September- I’m in my late twenties and he in his early thirties- we have two DDs (9 & 4).
DH had a somewhat strained relationship with family before I came, he struggled with drug addiction (I didn’t, we got together when I was 19 and honestly thought all drug addicts lived under bridges or something, had no idea about functioning addicts with jobs and regular lives). We got pregnant right out of the gate, it was really hard for me. I was living on my own with friends and had two good jobs, then I moved back in with my moms so all my money could go to the obgyn bills (I was also naive about insurance and thought two insurances was just as good as going on my state Medicare system, either way I was putting my money where it needed to go).
My MIL was always wanting control, she wanted us to live with her, And she complained when I didn’t take her advice (she didn’t like the pediatrician I chose- he was both mine and my brothers pediatrician, as well as my DH oddly enough). Once I had our 1st DD it just got worse.
In the hospital she wanted to be there the whole time- would show up uninvited and stay for more than an hour at a time wanting to hold my baby the whole time. She was really jealous we where living with my mom, she wanted us to live 1/2 &1/2 to make it “fair” - one week at my moms house, one week at her house. She’d tell us both this in person at family gatherings then pout after my husband brushed off the conversation. (Definitely an issue in this story is that my DH doesn’t communicate tough topics well, and avoids them altogether.)
There are other examples, but in a nutshell: she wanted what she wanted and expected to get it or act like a victim. I say a victim, because it would come to light that she was composing about all these things to other members of the family.
When my 1st DD was a month old she sent me a text that was meant for my SIL- “daughtersname crying with OP again.” She also sent a message that we infuriate her as parents etc etc. I was devastated. She knew what she had done, I saw the text when I got home (I’m not on my phone a lot). My DH was still at their place, and his youngest sister apparently told his mom to tell him what had just happened. Her response to being caught talking bad about me was that she was taking us to court for grandparents rights.
When she realized two months later that she wouldn’t being seeing us until she apologized, we scheduled a time to sit together and talk. She told me that I was “crazy,” because “everyone talks shit about everyone.” I hadn’t been raised that way.
So that’s the first year of our relationship.
Since then it’s been one thing after the other. We’d see each other about once a month, sometimes every couple months. Most visits were extremely awkward, the ones that weren’t were particularly fun or anything. They made it clear I was only there because I had to be. I was going to school to be a teacher for four years after my daughter was born and they never asked about it, didn’t congratulate me when I completed my schooling. Were only disappointed when I got a job hours away out in the country where we had a house set up instead of a tiny apartment surrounded by concrete.
This past year was no better. We were planning a wedding, living life, and dealing with covid. One of my SIL was mad she hadn’t been asked quick enough to be a bridesmaid and said she was “Boycotting” the wedding. I hadn’t asked anyone yet and had ordered bridesmaid proposals through Etsy- when she was asked with all the other bridesmaids she said no. His other sister said yes.
I spent all year really really trying. I called his mom and sister updating them about things, texting them about their life, inviting them to every wedding event, dress search, everything. His one sister did indeed boycott our wedding, and the other one chose not to attend the bridal shower, get ready with us, or help set up wedding etc. she actually didn’t act like I was a bride at all (tell me I looked nice or complement the wedding in any way, she sat at her table on her phone.)
She text DH the next day that she had a “migraine.” It was reall obvious she was unhappy we were getting married.
So cut to why I’m on this page. After yet another event, MIL messaged my DH that I am disrespectful for having FIL walking my mom down the aisle at our wedding (they each held one hand of our youngest daughter) - MIL walked my DH. She said that she is always defending me to the rest of the family, and that FIL can “hide how he feels better that [she] can.” Then denied that implies they talk badly about me.
I’m toast. I’m not ready to dedicate to this relationship that has literally caused me so much anxiety over the years that I feel nausea and like I’m going to be pee myself before I see them.
My DH is able to make his own choices, but I’m not going to see or talk to them anymore. This basically makes us estranged- and they think of themselves as estranged from their son and grandchildren- he told her that he wasn’t working on relationship building for awhile because we are exhausted with this situation. She said she had no idea why- she feels like we’ve never told her the reasons.
This is only a small blip of the events and issues we’ve faced in these ten years. I guess it’s on my mind again because yesterday was my youngest daughters birthday, and I still get these natural signals to do thing for my MIL like send her the video I took of LO unwrapping gifts and being so cute. But I know if I send it then we’ll be back in the same boat on choppy water.
I’ve debated writing her a letter to spell out the way she’s made me feel for years and remind her of these events that really hurt me- but my husband says it’s no use and she’ll never understand, he says she’s always been like that.
I feel like I have no closure, and maybe sending a letter forgiving her for myself and explaining why I have to cut ties will help me feel that closure, but I also don’t want anymore drama. What would you do?
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