New member question

I didn't want to be in this situation.
I wonder if she would change or maybe that she wasn't that bad really when there has been distance.
I will try not looking in the future.

Yes Armadillo I would and I have but I think that's because our son estranged us.

I really don't think I would continue to read anything sent to me from someone I had estranged, as having taken that decision, I wouldn't want anything to do with them. Even more so if every time I did 'hear' from them, they hurt me.

Ps....welcome to gransnet?

I’m a great believer in spending time only with the people you love....and who love you back. There is no rule which says, because you’re related to someone, you have to be with them, love them, be obligated to them. If you were talking about friends, you’d have walked away the minute it started, and found new ones. I know you were a child, and had no choice...but you do now. It sounds like you’ve disconnected....and quite right too. Forget what’s upwards.....and look downwards, to your children/ grandchildren. Look after yourself, and don’t get into any dialogue with your ‘old’ family. The fact they asked you to forgive your mum is acknowledging she treated you badly. We cut off from family on both sides for far less than this. Best thing we ever did...and our children were thankful too. It’s about you now, and don’t forget it.?

I don't know really.
Do you read things if they get sent to you or would you?

As you've cut her off I don't understand why you would read anything she sends your Armadillo. You posted earlier that you can now see that when she reaches out to you it's a trap, that being the case, surely it would be better to dispose of anything she sends and not bother reading it.

You need to concentrate on your friends and family as you said you would be doing in an earlier post, especially if you're having some health problems.

I seem to remember that you said your other family members aren't in contact with you because of your decision to estrange your mum, so it's unlikely she'll know you're unwell. If she does find out and contacts you, ignore her.

She thinks I am toxic simply for cutting her off. I don't think she has ever said any other reason she might be unhappy with me apart from that. She didn't have anything nice to say about her parents and didn't see them much at all. She didn't like them until they died really.
I think my family members already know what she is like and don't want to hear it really.
I am not very well at the moment and having some health problems and don't want her finding out about that so just keeping to myself really. If she sends anything else I will share it.

Hithere

That message is awful

Cut her off. Today. Now.

She may want you to chase her "no mommy, please talk to me"
Wait for some time to see if she is going to contact you again

My own narc mother told me the same nonsense, especially:
When you are a mother you will understand
I tried my best
Etc

The message is confusing but I feel like there are some positives, she clearly is saying that she loves you and thinks that you are a beautiful person, she is I think saying that her parents made mistakes but that she doesn't feel that cutting them out of her life is necessary. She hasn't addressed the abuse, or said what it is, and we don't have information on what was said before or after that email so I feel like there are lots of gaps here.

I don't like the way that she says that your behaviour is toxic, I don't though know what she means by that. I definitely think that if you feel that you haven't been heard you could leave the door open and give her the name of a therapist, or family therapist that she could arrange to see and invite you if she feels she wants to own some of this mess in the future.

Alternatively, if other members of the family are also not speaking to you, what about sending an open letter explaining the situation as you see it, why you don't feel it is possible at the moment to have a relationship with your mother, that you understand that this decision might not be welcome by other people in the family but nonetheless it is your decision, alongside your reasons. That you are happy to have contact with them (if you are), have a purge if you feel it is going to help you?

Lemongrove ?

I'm glad you've learnt your lesson Armadillo. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year and what better time to begin a new chapter in your life.

Armadillo

I talked to mum over Christmas. It didn't go well. She said we need to leave the past in the past which is fine but she would need to change her behaviour. She turned extremely nasty and said she doesn't want a relationship with me.
I only talk about past problems because otherwise she wouldn't know what she does that hurts to stop in future, not to hold a grudge.
So nothing has changed really.

If your Mother said that to you recently ( how old are you?)
Then why on earth are you bothering to continue with her?
People rarely change their behaviour.

Dr Ramani is brilliant.
I've learnt my lesson, when she reaches out to me it is a trap.

I doubt anyone but my mum would know it really would they and I took out personal info to protect her. She said it so I can't see that it would be a problem really. I don't think she would admit to it if she does see it. It's not really any different to telling people what she said, just quicker.

Thanks it means a lot to me. It was a difficult few days. I also had another email early Christmas morning saying she needed to tell me she has a hereditary condition.
Luckily I already knew because she told me a while ago how shocked and upset she was about how she was told in hospital it is hereditary. How she couldn't believe how flippant they were and that they showed no consideration to her and having to tell her own children that. I don't think she realised that was how she was telling me at the time. I expect it is very stressful but not life threatening thankfully.
So at least that didn't upset Christmas day.
I will honestly not answer again now I know where I stand. I will concentrate on my friends and family.

But you wouldn't have wanted a relationship with someone that you say has abused you and whom you don't trust, would you? You've admitted that "other people" had made you aware that she'd said that she didn't want a relationship but, for whatever reason, you didn't believe them. Now that she's told you herself, believe it and leave it alone.

Incidentally Armadillo, that email is rather revealing and as you're a new poster, you might not be aware that it can be seen by anyone in the world and that might cause problems for you if it was seen by a family member. You might want to ask GNHQ to remove it to preserve your confidentiality and avoid further conflict.

Armadillo - please remind yourself that if your mum did not love you (or perhaps could not express it in a healthy way) that does not make you unloveable, it is a lack within your mum. One she may not have had the capacity to overcome due to her own upbringing.

Please try to move forward, let go of any blame on either side, try not to mull over questions you cannot answer, and live a healthy happy life on your own terms. I sincerely wish you well.

Excellent advice Chewbacca.

I can't change everything, have done what I can. I won't reply again anyway. I was stupid to think we could make amends. I don't really know what she wanted. Maybe not everyone does believe her and me apologising and making up would have been proof.
I don't trust her at all now. Whatever she thinks or doesn't think about the past, now I know she doesn't want a relationship I know there is no point in trying to make it right.

There are several simple and practical steps that you can take to ensure that you receive no further emails: block her; consign them to junk before you see them, change your email address. Likewise text messages and phone calls. It can be done if you're serious about leaving her alone. But the onus is on you to do that. If you don't, you're running the risk of her accusing you of abusing/harassing her, so you need to protect yourself by doing as she's asked and disable all means of contact between you.

Yes it was initiated by her. I thought I had mentioned that. This is the first time she has said to me she doesn't want a relationship with me.
Other people already told me that she doesn't want a relationship and just wanted an apology for cutting her off then she would cut me off.
Obviously it feels a bit different now as I didn't just take their word for it. I am glad I stuck to my guns as if I hadn't I'd be thinking we were going to be making amends right before she cut me off.
Revenge I suppose. I know she didn't love me anyway. People who love people don't treat them as bad as she did me where they need medication and counselling to get over it.

You said you talked to her over Christmas Armadillo; was that conversation initiated by your mum?

Either way, I'm glad that you'll be respecting her boundaries and wont contact her in the future, it will I'm sure be the best thing for both of you.

I didn't email her first. This is her reply when I stuck to what I have been saying. I don't know why she keeps emailing me if she doesn't want a relationship.
I am respecting her boundaries and won't contact her.
Thanks for the advice and support it means a lot to me.

You've posted Amadillo that "it can't be cruel to stop speaking to someone who is hurting you" and that also appears rightly or wrongly, to be your mother's perspective.

As hugshelp has posted, it does sound as if your mum has been affected by her own childhood experiences but from the message you received from her, didn't and never would have taken the step to estrange them.

As hugshelp has expressed so well "she's torn between blaming them and seeing them as fallible humans that she sympathises with". This alone goes some way to explaining why she doesn't understand your estrangement of her.

You are both hurting and are sadly unable to agree on the best way forward, so let it go. I know that's easier said than done but it really is the only way to find peace and happiness in your life.

You have also told her how to fix things and she has refused

Perhaps OPs mother doesn't see that anything can be "fixed"; she's made it clear in her email that she doesn't want a relationship and that, whilst being very painful to accept, should be respected.

Armadillo as hard as this is for you to bear, I think that you just have to accept your mother's request; respect her boundaries and leave her alone now. There's nothing in the email you've posted that indicates she's expecting an apology, or anything else from you, indeed she makes it quite clear that she no longer expects, or wants, to have a relationship with you. I do appreciate how hard this must be for you to accept but if you continue to push, I fear it will only exacerbate the situation and make her feel that you're invalidating her feelings and perspective of the situation and that will not facilitate any reconciliation. It would be happier and healthier for all of you if you respected your mother's request and concentrate now on your own family.

Check Dr Ramani too in YouTube