Feeling sad

If an AC is being "controlled" by a partner there is often very little that a parent can do other than be there if the AC needs them, asks for helps, sees their situation for what it is ?

"If however you think your DD is being controlled by sil then it's a different game entirely" not really Backedintoacorner there's still nothing you can do as estrangement and severed relationships with GC still occurs.

It depends. If the have asked for no contact then stop overstepping boundaries by sending stuff, if you continue to send things after being asked not to then I think you can’t complain about the message, it’s the risk you took when ignoring their boundaries.

If however you think your DD is being controlled by sil then it’s a different ball game entirely

Don't send anything. I tried sorting things out at Christmas with my mum and just got a barrage of nasty messages. She doesn't want a relationship with me. She is angry I won't let her behave certain ways and she won't accept anything I say about what she does that hurts. Better to let it go, sending things that aren't well received is like slapping yourself in the face if people don't want a relationship with you.

Excellent advice from Septimia SallyWally and I would making a memory box and getting them a cards for their Birthdays and at Christmas and putting them in the box, which you can then leave the in your will, so they'll know you loved them and never forgot.

I had similar thoughts to you Yogagirl. Your OH needs to know, this is not something you should be keeping to yourself. It's a very cruel thing to do after 6 years of presumably not saying anything about sending presents.

As you have posted Stella there are some EAC who allow their children to have some kind of a relationship with their GP's and rise above the need to use their children as weapons.

We have also been estranged for 8 years and this is the first year we decided to no longer send our GC cards, just putting the ones we buy in their memory box.

It's far from satisfactory I know but for us, is better than nothing

Sallywally You must tell your husband, he needs to know. Maybe you wanted to spare him the heartache on Christmas day, but tell him today.

After 8yrs of estrangement from my D&GC, I now do nothing; no monies in bank acc. I opened for them, no lighting candles, no cards. no gifts.

SallyWally

How can two people be so cruel? Send that thought of yours to your s.i.l & one to your D, you no doubt won't be communicating again anyway, so send it.

Yes our beloved AC can be very cruel to their loving parents, I know first hand, so know how you are feeling. Hopefully you'll see your beloved GSs in the future and they will learn how much you loved & wanted to be with them.

have you been estranged from them for the last 6 yrs?

Your SiL is very rude and you have my sympathy. What happened to the previous gifts? Surely you received thanks or they were at least acknowledged? Something has changed since last Christmas and not just Covid, surely?
I agree with sue421 that it would be best to ask your daughter why. I am assuming that you have been in the habit of asking for advice on suitable gifts. We live in Scotland and 4 of our grandchildren live in England so I always need guidance on what is needed.

Would you be able to ask your daughter why? Is he very controlling? Is there a religious reason behind this? I would be so upset but once we know the reason we can go with it. Our children do hurt us at times, I know too well. Depending on answer i would remake my will! Please tell your husband. Much love and many hugs xx

timetogo2016

Are you sure she didn`t mean the wrapping paper Sallywally1 ?
If not she`s a very nasty person.

He.

Not She.

Sallywally1 Is this message from your daughter as well? Did you get an explanation? Could it be just this year because of the fear of transmitting virus on gifts?

They won’t always be children, one day they will be able to decide things for themselves. Until that day comes follow the good advice from Septimia. X

Hithere

"Estrangement is hard enough without digging at the wound like that"

The definition of estrangement usually means no contact - no presents, communications, visits, relationship

Allowing presents would be very limited contact.

Estrangement is hard enough on both sides.
Some estranged AC feel that same pain by digging on their wound when they receive anything from the estranged side.

That’s your opinion. Some people are estranged from their adult children, but still have limited contact with their grandchildren!

Son in law does not manage relationships very well. Septimia's advice is good.

Are you sure she didn`t mean the wrapping paper Sallywally1 ?
If not she`s a very nasty person.

I agree with Hithere- If asked not to send them anything in the past, best follow their request- Otherwise it's like throwing money in the bin and your efforts along with it, perhaps never to be known by the children-

I also agree with Septima- You could set aside money- Remembering them is enough of an explanation, no further actions of words necessary- They'll know they were thought of without opening old wounds or creating new ones-

"Estrangement is hard enough without digging at the wound like that"

The definition of estrangement usually means no contact - no presents, communications, visits, relationship

Allowing presents would be very limited contact.

Estrangement is hard enough on both sides.
Some estranged AC feel that same pain by digging on their wound when they receive anything from the estranged side.

Just hear me out - this is not such a bad thing

How long have you been estranged?

Have they told you not to send anything before today?

Now you know not to waste your money

If they see you respect their wishes, there could be a chance you may talk again

Many young adults are very self obsessed and unnecessarily unkind to their parents. That message from your SIL is horrible. Estrangement is hard enough without digging at the wound like that. I’m sorry you are going through this. Tell your husband, console each other. Set up the bank account for your grandchildren and focus on your own lives

That was such an unkind thing to do Sallywally I feel for you.
Septimia is absolutely spot on with her advice, I can't add anything.

Unnecessarily unkind.

Stop sending presents. Put the money away for them instead, to be given to them either by you, or through your wills, when they are adult, if possible with a loving and explanatory letter.

There are various ways you could do this without involving their parents, such as a special bank account in your name but the contents of it left to your grandsons in your will.

Sometimes it isn't possible to show our love when the grandchildren are growing up, but they can find out later that they were cared about. Whatever the parents have told them, a special inheritance will tell a different story.

How hurtful. My heart goes out to you.

I too am sorry to hear your story. My best wishes to you xx

I am so sorry to hear of how much you are hurting. Perhaps sharing with your OH would help rather than keeping it all bottled up inside you?