Grandparent rights

I broke contact with my parents 18 years ago, I always allowed my children to visit with their aunt until a time when they decided to stop themselves. I never put my problems with my parents onto my children but they both decided to stop seeing them anyway. My DS at age 12 and my DD just this last year age 25!

It's all very well saying get on with our lives when we relive the heartache and the heartbreak every birthday, every Christmas, every Easter. Ten years, involved in so much of their everyday little lives, so much Love, then just cut coldly dead.
Waking up to the reality of the heartache every morning. Dreaming at night of holding them, being with them, so real it is wretched waking to the truth.
No day is free of the grief. Covid has made our sad situation more 'normal when lots of GPs come on the tv saying how much they miss their GC and I think, yes, I have lived with this as a reality, for those GPs thankfully there will be a loving reunion and hopefully soon. I would never subject my GC to court proceedings I have seen firsthand the awful emotional damage caused as a result I love them too much to put them through that. In addition, forcing a situation can never be normal, natural and loving.

Aquamarine I think you would find ttge Support for all living with estrangement thread helpful.

Aquamarine I'm so very sorry that you are having to live with this, it is as you say "cruel and wicked", for you and your GD. Even more so having looked after your GD on a weekly basis for 4 years; she must miss you as much as you miss her.

There's a support thread on this estrangement forum where there are regular posts from other P's and GP's who will understand what you're going through.

We've been estranged for 8 years now and it took a long time before we no longer felt stuck but still feel sad from time to time.

Still not seen my GD 's , nearly 2 years. I saw and indeed looked after my granddaughter weekly for 4 years. It's cruel and wicked that my AC has chosen this estrangement. I've not moved on , still stuck. Tears every day. He's my only child. All unnecessary. Just sad and stuck..

Thank you.

Onward and upward Armadillo.

Armadillo

I only had the choice to keep letting my mum abuse me and upset my boys or not. My mum made the choice to ruin our relationship. That's not my choice and not what I wanted at all.

Good for you on how far you have come.

You can’t own her feelings or actions.

I bet you feel much relief

I only had the choice to keep letting my mum abuse me and upset my boys or not. My mum made the choice to ruin our relationship. That's not my choice and not what I wanted at all.

No grandparents do not have a right to access to grandchildren.

Difference being Armadillo is that estranged GP didn't choose to never see their beloved AC&GC again, whereas estranging AC did, taking the C/GC whether they agreed or not. Most GC being too young to understand what was going on.

I will never forgot my precious GD calling out to me nanny, nanny trying to open the door to let me in, which normally she could do, but on the day of estrangement, was locked.

The advice to stop all contact with your mum was given with your well being in mind Armadillo. I'm glad that she's given up on trying to make you feel guilty and providing you have no further contact with her, she wont be able to do so again.

I think you've already blocked her from making contact through social media and if she writes to you, just throw the unopened letters in the bin where they belong.

I did estrange. I know you think my mum cut me off and I should leave her alone but she just said she doesn't want a relationship with me because i won't go back and apologise for estranging and make her look innocent. She's given up on guilting me into that. She never loved me, if she did she wouldn't have been abusive to me. I estranged her and she always contacts me. That was the first time I answered and that's what she said.

Thanks for the information freedomfromthepast it does appear that the USA and the UK are very similar in their approach to GP's seeking to maintain their relationship with their GC when all else fails, through the courts.

I completely understand why you no longer allow your children to see your mum. I think keeping a record of anything pertinent is also a good idea and something that GP's fearing the loss of their GC could also consider.

I'm staggered Ironflower that in the USA GP's who physically abused their own children are given the courts permission for contact. I can only think that the accusations of abuse weren't believed as surely if there was irrefutable evidence to substantiate the claim, contact would never have been given.

Presumably the GM who tried to delay returning her GC by "coughing all over airport staff and hiding a knife on one of the grandchildren" has had her contact order rescinded.

The major upheaval for all concerned where children have to go great distances to see their GP's as ordered by the courts, may have been at the very least alleviated, had the P's and GP's reached an amicable arrangement and the courts had not been involved.

I do remember seeing a post here on GN from an American poster about P's moving to a different state to prevent the GP/GC relationship. Perhaps not such a good idea if children as in your post, are having to fly "across the country several times a year".

There are "good parents here that lost children unfairly and children here who would love to have good parents but didn't" Armadillo, and for the most part this estrangement forum is "a good place to look after each other and listen to each other". Estrangement is an emotive and painful subject, especially for those of us with personal experience, whether you are the parent whose been estranged, or the adult child who has done the estranging.

If there are good parents here that lost children unfairly and children here who would love to have good parents but didn't, this should be a good place to look after each other and listen to each other.

QuoteIronflower Mon 11-Jan-21 06:09:35

Where in Gods name do you get these fantastical stories from Ironflower you've posted them on the estrangement threads many times now, so most of us have already read them!

QuoteChewbacca Sun 10-Jan-21 20:01:33

Agree Chewbecca

QuoteSparkling Sun 10-Jan-21 17:26:21

Quite Sparling

QuoteChewbacca Sun 10-Jan-21 17:25:24

very commendable chewbacca

For the record from page 2; I adored my youngest daughter, as well as my GC. I know Smileless adored her son too. Both of us were cut out by our AC partner, definitely due to jealousy from my D husband [GD stepdad] and I suspect the same reason from S son's wife.

I do hope the saying that where America goes, England follows isn't the case with so called 'grandparents rights'. The US is still more litigious than the UK and the Children Act is clear about who has rights, who has responsibilities.

@freedomfromthepast
Please don't assume that there aren't grandparent rights in the US. I'm in a group with parents that are forced to send their kids to grandparents (court orders). I have seen many current court orders. While there may be those reasons listed in the law, it just isn't so. Anywhere where the law says that "in the best interests of the child" can result in court orders. Members of this group have gone to prison for contempt and not following orders. Washington and Florida are two states that have deemed grandparent rights unconstitutional.

There are dozens of parents in this group that have to hand their children over every other weekend or once a month. One lady has to fly her children across the country several times a year. The grandmother had the children December 26th to January 6th, she tried to not return them by coughing all over airport staff and hiding a knife on one of the grandchildren. She did get her kids back in the end. The grandmother didn't even spend the time with the kids, she shipped them off to another family member (even though it was against the court order).

There are numerous families in the group that have to hand their children over to grandparents that deny allergies exist, refuse medications and of course ones that are abusive and have hit the parents. One parent has received death threats from their mother, and they are currently in court for visitation. The GAL said the woman was unstable and ruled against her and now the grandparent is filing a motion to dismiss the GAL.

It's scary but it happens.

I want to first clear up the topic of Grandparents Rights in the US. It seems that it is believed that GP have them here. They really dont. With the exception of New York State, there are very specific reasons when a grandparent can sue for rights. That is mostly in the case of death of thier child (the parent) , divorce or the grandparent shows that they have a pre-existing relationship with the grandchild. And that pre-existing relationship has to be substantial like the grandparents raised the child for a period of time. The burdon of proof is on the grandparent. It is a very expensive and long process, as I am sure it is in the UK as well.

If you want to research more, it lists state by state here: www.considerable.com/life/family/grandparent-rights-united-states/

As you know, I am estranged from my mother and she has no contact with my children. She was emotionally abuse and did a lot of damage to my kids. You know what is funny though? No one believes she is an abuser. She puts on a really great face. She is just the nicest most kind person there is. She loves to tell everyone how her evil EAC is keeping her from a relationship with thier "family".

I TRIED to keep our issues away from the kids so they could have a relationship with her. She looked me right in the eye and told me that she would NEVER talk to my kids about our issues. Then she turned around while my kids were spending the night and tried to alienate my kids from me. My youngest ended up suicidal and we are now, 3 years later, still dealing with the effects of this emotional abuse.

And yea, I know, not all GP are estranged because they are abusive. So no need to remind me of that. I know all of your viewpoints.

My opinion is now that if my parent makes no attempt to have at the very least a civil relationship with me, they dont get to have a relationship with my children until such time my children are adults and can choose themselves.

I would never encourage anyone to estrange, however if an EAC is experiencing problems in thier relationship with the GP, I would encourage them to keep detailed records of what those issues are with proof, because there usually is in this day and age, in case estrangement happens. If my mother ever tried to obtain grandparents rights, I would pull out the big guns and show the world exactly who she is. Luckily in the US, and especially the state i live in, there is really no such thing as grandparents rights.

Well in the case you've posted about agnurse FIL should never have allowed his father to have contact with his GC. It appears that MIL was more responsible than he was by at least ensuring that your SIL was never left alone with him.

I would have never allowed our sons to have contact with a known abuser regardless of that abusers position in the family.

It's constantly being stated on this forum that where a GP is known to be an abuser it's perfectly understandable and right, that they don't have contact with their GC. It is therefore constantly being stated that it isn't always in a child's best interest to have a relationship with their GP's.

Parents who are unable to "recognise that their parents aren't safe" are not being discussed here. Where that is the case, they wont have estranged themselves from their parents, their children's GP's.

Allowing a child to have a relationship with a GP doesn't always mean the GP is a safe person.

I don't think that Smileless2012, or anyone else for that matter, has suggested that it was always in a child's best interest agnurse? As was confirmed upthread Obviously there will be certain circumstances where this is not applicable and child abuse would quite obviously be one of those circumstances.