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Estranged daughter and funeral

(11 Posts)
linj53 Fri 29-Jan-21 11:41:00

After my husband died 8yrs ago, my daughter and I had a bad time, the result being she has not spoken to me for about six years and wont have anything to do with
me, although I have tried to make things right, on several occasions.
She stopped visiting her grandmother in her nursing home and has cut herself off from all family.
Recently her 94yr old Granmother passed away. Through my cousin, I have let her know this and also the funeral arrangements and also that we would like her to come and she would have a place in the funeral car.
She will not come to the funeral, which is very upsetting., neither will she say where she is living, which is a problem as she has been left things in her grandmothers will and I am sole executor.
I have used a PI in the past to find out where she was living, but she has since moved, this cost £400.

silverlining48 Fri 29-Jan-21 11:53:27

Hello Lin, it looks like you have done your best. If your only point of contact is your cousin maybe you could write to your daughter, but suspect she already knows you would like a reconciliation. It really is up to her. I hope you have other family and friends fir support at this difficult time.

jaylucy Fri 29-Jan-21 12:01:21

The ball is in her court.
Sadly she may not realise but the main one she is hurting is herself, not just you.
You have done what you can, I personally wouldn't bother again with the PI, she will just keep moving on each time she is found.
As far as the items left by her gran, at least send a message via the cousin or even give them the items for them to pass on or at the very least, keep them in a safe place for future.
Sadly, time is the only thing that will deal with your problem one way or another

NellG Fri 29-Jan-21 12:20:59

I am very sorry for your loss and the extra pain the estrangement must be adding for you.

Unfortunately when people move away and don't give you their address it is a very firm message that they don't want to be found. Hurtful though this must be, I think you must accept it.

I agree that you must carry out her grandmother's wishes and execute her will as it is a legal requirement of probate - however to protect her privacy it might be better to ask your cousin to pass on the solicitors details along with a promise of confidentiality. That way you have fulfilled all your duties and respected her wish for separation. It's hard and brutal for you, but at least you will have dignity from knowing you didn't cross any lines and cannot be accused of using her grandmother's death as an excuse to make contact. IMO using a PI would be deeply wrong, though I do understand the urge to do so. I don't know where my EAC lives either and I understand how awful that feels, but equally I have to respect his choice not to tell me.

I also hope you have support for yourself in all of this. Best wishes.

Hithere Fri 29-Jan-21 12:29:42

What was the misunderstanding you had 8 years ago?

I am so sorry for your loss

Depending on your daughter's relationship with the deceased, it might be a priority for her to go to the funeral or not.
Did she get along with your gm?
Also, covid. She might now want to expose herself to covid.

Hiring a PI to know where she lives is a huge disrespectful move on your part - very stalkerish.
Please don't make that mistake twice.

She doesnt want you to know where she lives and you must respect that.
Lawyers can communicate with your daughter if needed.

She is aware of what is going on. That's all you can do

crazyH Fri 29-Jan-21 12:47:01

How sad ......what was so so bad after your husband died, that the estrangement has lasted so long? I could be wrong, but I am presuming it’s money related.
Why do you want to use a PI ? You say your cousin knows where she is. She obviously doesn’t want any contact. Although it will hurt badly, just respect it for now and who knows, some day, it will all work out. I feel for you.
The Solicitors will find ways of getting in touch with her, regarding her inheritance. Best wishes !

Smileless2012 Fri 29-Jan-21 12:50:18

My condolences for your loss lin. Having had no communication from your D for 6 years, I admire you for extending an invitation for her join the family she has estranged, joining you in the car, to attend her GM's funeral.

You can either ask your cousin to let her know about her inheritance and to keep hold if it so your D can make arrangements with her regarding collection, or ask a solicitor to hold on to it so your D can make arrangements with them.

Having been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 8 years, I do understand how painful this is for you. For me the only way of dealing with it, was to accept that our relationship is over and that we (Mr. S. and myself) had to move on and make a new life without them.

You've done all that you can and I hope that you will be able to find some peace with this sad situation.

Iam64 Fri 29-Jan-21 13:19:52

You have done all you can. Please don’t feel the need to expand on the reason for estrangement, unless you find it may help you.
I don’t see using a PI as necessarily disrespectful. It may have been due to anxiety, a desire to know your daughter is alive.
She has made her choice. Let her do that. The solicitor is well placed to deal with inheritance

Daisymae Fri 29-Jan-21 13:27:18

Your daughter has chosen to estrange herself from you and I think that you have to respect her wishes. You can let her know via family that she has been left things in the will and ask that she let you know what you would like to do. If she hasn't contacted you in s reasonable timeframe let her know that you will dispose of the items. There's not really anything else you can do, as sad as it is, but reconcile yourself to the situation.

Oldbat1 Fri 29-Jan-21 17:07:01

Daisymae totally agree.

Madgran77 Fri 29-Jan-21 17:39:52

Condolences for the loss of your Mum lin

You kindly invited your daughter to the funeral, giving her a choice and she made a choice that presumably she felt was best for herself

I suggest that if it is physical items left to your daughter, you ask your cousin to pass them over

If it is money, I suggest you write to your daughter telling her that and ask what she would like you to do to get what is gets to her. Ask your cousin to pass the letter on

After that I think you have to leave her alone and wait flowers