Having a weak moment

It's such a shame but not unusual to learn that some parents tolerate what they feel is inappropriate behaviour for fear of losing contact with their AC altogether.

Even more of a shame when they end up estranged anyway.

Our ES used to call me by a nick name our adult friends used, which was a play on my actual name. It never bothered me but if it had, because of the relationship we used to have, it would never have entered my mind that he'd take offence if I'd asked him not too.

It doesn't matter whether or not the AC thinks it disrespectful, if the parent does then they shouldn't do it.

When did your dd start calling you by your christian name vs mom?
Does she think it is disrespectful?

There is a very recent thread open about it and it was 50/50 on whether it was disrespectful or not

I feel for you nananet, you must not be treated like that, you maybe did things in the past you now regret, but no ones perfect, your daughter certainly isn’t treating you so badly, so why should she expect it of you. I would not let my daughter disrespect me, I would say we will speak when you are civil and leave it at that.The balls in her court, but you can continue to be a loving grandma, send cards and little letters to them etc until your daughter puts a stop to it. You hear how wonderful and generous people are to those that they don’t know, just lovely people like our careers and nhs. Please look after yourself, don’t go down that road of feeling worthless because of your daughter. You are your own person. Unfortunately not all mothers or children are nice people.

I have accepted a lot over the years Sparkling, my daughter using my christian name being just one of those things although I do feel it is disrespectful.
I understand completely and empathise with the feelings you describe.

You never stop caring or loving do you Sparkling which is why being estranged is so painful.

Nana net, I know your daughter doesn't want contact, but she knows you care, you would be made of stone not yo wish things were different. I would not however be using my Christian name with her, you are her mother. It is so hard not being wanted, I found the indifference, not caring if I was alive or dead unbearable. In time I had to accept but I don't think you can ever not care.?

Gwenisgreat1, yes, and to our grandchildren too⚘

Sometimes when language is too “nice” the message is lost

It is perfectly possible to express hard messages in a way that can be "heard" by the recipient, without being downright unkind! It is not a case of "nasty"or "nice"

"Perhaps our estranged AC have weak moments too" I hadn't thought of it like that nananet, you make a good point.

You are a mum. you never stop being a mum. you are letting DD know the door is always open!

Thank you Smileless, I'm glad you have that email. Perhaps our estranged AC have weak moments too. We are all human⚘

I understand nananet's need to send the flowers and I also understand how unwanted contact can make you feel.

Last September, 2 days after my mum died we got an email from our ES. I felt sick when Mr. S. said he'd sent one and he read it first to make sure there was nothing unpleasant in it.

It was OK and I did reply having given it a lot of thought primarily because I knew how hard it must have been for him to get in touch, after 8 years of being estranged by him.

There was nothing in his email or my reply to suggest that either of us may be looking for reconciliation. Anything from him prior to that since our estrangement had been particularly nasty so assuming that we'll never hear from him again, at least we can look back to that last piece of correspondence as 'nice'.

If people say no contact, you should respect that. Everyone doesn't necessarily love flowers. During one of the worst periods my mum was being awful to me, harassing phonecalls etc. Then I got a phonecall from my MIL that flowers were delivered to my house. I had a full blown anxiety attack I was shaking. I'm not exactly sure why but I know that my parents would guilt with every cent they spent on me (doctors, food etc). I paid my own dentist bills as a teen (over $1000). The flowers were actually from a friend, but I spent all day sick with worry that it had been them.

It may seem like your AC isn't suffering at all, but they almost certainly are (just attempt not to show it). It's not easy to turn away from your family. No one grows up not wanting to have a family, there are reasons even if you don't see them.

Respect their wishes and boundaries and maybe you will see them again (or maybe not if they don't forgive you).

Sometimes when language is too “nice” the message is lost.

Nananet, I hope sending the flowers made you feel better. In future I’d likely just donate to charity. I wouldn’t want to upset someone else even more, and possibly push back Any hope for reuniting.

For what it’s worth, I had a family member estrange themselves. As a result, I dropped the rope. When they wanted to be in touch again I wanted no part of a relationship with them. Anything sent was disposed of, and brought up all the anger again.

Agree with NellG; that was a spiteful, mean and unnecessary post and completely lacking in kindness or compassion Hithere.

When I got flowers from someone I don't speak to I just passed them on to someone to cheer them up so not wasted then. I am allergic anyway and they should know that really!
You could always donate to charity what you would spend so nothing is wasted and if you do see them again tell them about that.

We don't know what volumes are being spoken MamaBear, you could be right but it's not so much what is said by some posters, but how it's expressed.

For example 'not having a response may mean that your D disposed of the flowers or has donated them, rather than sending them back' says the same thing but in a much kinder way.

Yes Roses it is sad.

How sad

I agree with Hithere. I don’t think Nananet should assume the flowers were accepted because there was no response. I would assume the opposite actually. EAC are often encouraged (on forums for EAC) to trash or donate gifts from EP when they’ve requested no contact, and to continue no contact on their end by not acknowledging the gift in any way, not even asking to stop sending gifts. I’m very sorry Nananet, but no response from your daughter actually speaks volumes. I think you should stop sending gifts and give your daughter some time and space. If she decides she wants to contact you, she will.

Exactly Hithere no news doesn't always mean good news, it doesn't always mean bad news either, yet your post @ 15.25 only focused on the possibility of bad.

HITHERE your comments are unhelpful and quite cruel I think.
Why did you think all your comments would help the poster in any way?

That is the thing - no news doesnt always mean good news.

It just means you get no reaction from the other party but you do not know how it was received at all, it may things worse.

Neither helpful nor necessary IMO Hithere. There's also the saying that 'no news is good news' which is just as applicable and something that a lot of EP's hold on to because that's all they have.

Hithere - I think, after everything people posted before, that Nananet was well aware of the potential regarding her gesture. She had already told us all that she'd taken our thoughts on board and had made her decision. I feel your point of view in this instance is unnecessary and from my point of view rather spiteful.

Oh right .... well it doesn't read as "another point of view" because it states "She is just blackholing anything you do" as if that is a fact rather than an opinion!

You may or may not be right but how such possibilities are expressed make a considerable difference to how useful or effective the post is to the OP. Still I am not going to derail the post with any further comment.

Thankyou for clarifying your purpose which was not obvious to me!