Gransnet forums

Estrangement

Having a weak moment

(155 Posts)
nananet01 Mon 01-Feb-21 01:10:48

I've haven't seen my granddaughter for 2 years. I've seen my 7 year old grandson for minutes only during those 2 years. It's a sad story with a long history.
I cannot help but feel for my adult daughter and grandchildren given the unprecedented times and pressures on parents and the toll on our children and grandchildren. But I know she does not want contact and I respect that.
During a weaker moment today I was tempted to send flowers. I send gifts to my grandchildren and they have been accepted. I email first. I am not made of stone and at the end of the day, this is my child.
Just a weak moment I guess.

Redhead56 Mon 01-Feb-21 01:27:35

Good for you a weak moment can be inspiration to react to a gut instinct well done you!

Lollin Mon 01-Feb-21 01:42:01

flowers for you nananet01

grandmajet Mon 01-Feb-21 07:00:04

I feel for you. Not knowing the situation it is impossible to try to give any advice, but I cannot imagine how awful it must be to be estranged from close family.
Sending warm thoughts.

BlueBelle Mon 01-Feb-21 07:05:38

You have only told us your feelings not the situation so that’s all we can comment on and I would say follow your heart if you want to send her flowers why don’t you ?
Can it make things any worse ?
I d like to send you some 💐
Take care

Madgran77 Mon 01-Feb-21 09:04:29

Not weak. Just human and understandable flowers

Shropshirelass Mon 01-Feb-21 09:13:09

Do what you feel is right for you. I don’t see or have any real contact with my only child, a son, a long story in which I was unfairly painted as the wicked mother by his abusive father, who I divorced and he never forgave me. Sadly I only get the very very rare text and never even knew I had three GC, he lives a long way away so no chance of bumping into them. It is really sad, I don’t think the GC even know of my existence.

Sarnia Mon 01-Feb-21 09:20:41

In the same boat. Hard isn't it? It came as a shock to me that family could be so cruel. Do what you feel is right for you and look after yourself. flowers

NellG Mon 01-Feb-21 09:25:51

As she doesn't want contact it would be pointless to send flowers. But we don't stop loving them and thinking of them just because things have gone wrong. I think about my son and GC every single day and would give them the earth if I thought it would help them.

It's not a weak moment, there is NOTHING weak about enduring this, no matter what the story.

So, may I make a suggestion? Buy yourself some flowers, enjoy them and send your daughter and GC your love and support with every fibre of your being. Change the only thing you can, how you manage your days. We have no choice but to let time do its work, might as well smell the flowers whilst it passes. Best wishes. x

nananet01 Mon 01-Feb-21 10:32:23

Thank you, you are all very kind. I didn't go into detail as there is so much history. I am actually writing a book about it which does help in seeing things more from my daughters side. We have tried being in each others lives. My story is similar to Shropshirelass, sadly common. The difference is the children were the centre of our lives for 10 years. Please believe me, I have tried so hard and taken so much. There have been 2 occasions in the 2 years when we have faced one another and the hate and contempt in my daughters face literally crushes me.
Bluebelle, you have a point, things cannot be any worse if I send flowers.
NellG, I understand the self soothing of buying the flowers for myself. But I know I would just look at them and wish they were hers.
In truth I am fearful of her reaction, given a previous one. Also, she is very fiery, intimidating and manipulative. I feel so worried for my granchildren, especially the youngest who is so very sweet and unaffected by the differences between us. The eldest is aware and has chosen to 'break up with us' (words of the youngest).

silverlining48 Mon 01-Feb-21 10:41:07

I think writing things down helps clarify both your thoughts and feelings as well as giving more of an insight into others’ point of view. Are you doing this for yourself or for your grandchildren later on?
If you want to send flowers then why not. Everyone likes flowers and it’s a way of letting her know you are thinking of her.
Given everything going on you are entitled to a weak moment. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Best wishes and flowers

Tangerine Mon 01-Feb-21 11:00:09

What's the worst that could happen?

She might refuse to accept them but maybe she would text you and thank you.

You know your daughter. How might she react?

I think I'd send the flowers but I admit I don't know your daughter's personality.

nananet01 Mon 01-Feb-21 11:11:16

And, what could I say on the message card with the flowers? I thought of 'just because' and our names. She uses my christian name.

Madgran77 Mon 01-Feb-21 11:15:26

Maybe something like "Just to brighten up lockdown days!"

Smileless2012 Mon 01-Feb-21 11:28:58

I'm sure that all of us who have been estranged by an AC have had those moments of weakness nananetsad. I've had the myself but never acted on them.

Mr. S. on the other hand has acted on them a couple of times and because of the way our ES has responded, regretted his decision.

Your experience of your D's behaviour has made you "fearful of her reaction" which is totally understandable and in your place, I would give this thought of sending her flowers more time to consider how you'd feel if her reaction is unpleasant.

It's such a shame that children are dragged into these family disputes and lose out on a relationship with their GP's.

silverlining48 Mon 01-Feb-21 11:38:13

Thinking of you ?

cornishpatsy Mon 01-Feb-21 12:18:38

You want to send flowers but describe her as very fiery, intimidating and manipulative..

I do not know what you would achieve by sending them whilst you still think of her this way.

NellG Mon 01-Feb-21 12:42:30

nananet01 - I said on another thread that the biggest difficulty I'd had with my estrangement was grieving the death of hope - yet it was also the most important and helpful thing I've done. If they make it clear they don't want you then as brutal as that is you have to accept it for your own sake. Fighting a losing battle deflects none of the pain, it just keeps coming. Best to sit the so and so down and ask it what it wants from you and how best you can help it. You can only ask that of your own pain, not hers.

Ask yourself a few questions before you send the flowers - why are you sending them? She already knows you care. Who will it please? If it pleases you that's fine, but if it displeases her and brings on more difficult behaviour is that a consequence you are content to handle? People have asked what harm could it do? Based on your past experience answer the question for yourself. Will it fuel an already painful fire?

You must do whatever you feel is right, but all choices have consequences, just try and make sure these consequences do not harm you further. It really is the only thing you can control in this.

All my very best wishes.

Hithere Mon 01-Feb-21 12:52:15

Sending her flowers is not respecting her no contact rule.
Just saying - if you say you respect her rule, dont send them.

What's the worse than can happen? Much worse.
She might not allow you to send presents for her kids, for example.

nananet01 Mon 01-Feb-21 13:05:33

Thank you all

Smileless2012 Mon 01-Feb-21 14:17:26

I hope the responses you've received have been of some help nananetflowers.

nananet01 Mon 01-Feb-21 18:30:56

Thanks Smileless, yes you've all given answers looking from different angles, it's helped me to decide to go with my heart.

Smileless2012 Mon 01-Feb-21 19:55:54

I wish you well nananet and hope you'll let us know how it goes.

crazyH Mon 01-Feb-21 20:08:15

Thinking of you Nananet ....it’s all so sad....

flowers

nananet01 Wed 03-Feb-21 10:58:16

Just an update. I had flowers delivered to my daughters home the day before yesterday. There hasn't been any response, which is the best I can expect. When I send gifts for my grandchildren, there is no response. So it appears the flowers have been accepted.