Heartbroken and don't know what to do

You have a partner and a son who are supportive, can you not for a while, make that enough, you cannot change your daughters behaviour, she’s shown that. You say you are concerned about her treatment of her daughters. Unless they are neglected or suffering abuse unfortunately there is little you can do. You know yourself how your son and daughter were treated and it is all very sad. It would be a pity now you have a good relationship with your son and have a new partner to spoil what you have.

Sparkling

This will sound hard, but you are better off with out some people, family or not. What she asked you to do was so wrong. No thought for you, their behaviour, abusive, controlling and ultimately assaulting you, I would not give them the opportunity to do that again, I wouldn’t want them knowing where I live. What sort of people are they? I would make a life without them. No contact in this instance is the only way.

What you say is hard....but right. If I wasn't related I wouldn't have thought twice about cutting them out. Despite everything I love my daughter and her children and being without my granddaughters breaks my heart. All I can do is what you have all kindly advised, and seek counselling and hope that one day my daughter engages with the same and manages to sort her problems.

This will sound hard, but you are better off with out some people, family or not. What she asked you to do was so wrong. No thought for you, their behaviour, abusive, controlling and ultimately assaulting you, I would not give them the opportunity to do that again, I wouldn’t want them knowing where I live. What sort of people are they? I would make a life without them. No contact in this instance is the only way.

Zander, all I can say is, this is a most devistating situation to be in but over this weekend I've found the people here to be most wise and supportive. Take some comfort from their kindness and support. I also have had real trouble with being unable to switch off the recurrent thoughts, so following the advice from here I'm organising counselling, maybe that would work for you too?

Zander Can I suggest that you look for the "Support for all living with estrangement" thread on Gransnet. There will be others there who are going through similar to you. If you click forums at the top left off your screen, then scroll down and click Estrangement, the thread will be somewhere near the top of the list.

Zander, you need help with those constant and tormenting thoughts. I usually have a couple of good days and then it creeps up on me again.
Counselling helps, as does talking to good friends. I have also ordered a book called, 'When parents hurt,' by Joshua Coleman who seems to be a bit of an expert on estrangement and has another book on this topic coming out soon.
Meanwhile I read this often;
'Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself...You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...Let your bending in the archer's hands be for gladness, For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves the bow that is stable.'

Hi I am new to this..I am widowed and my only family are my daughter,husband and 2 12yr old grandaughters although I have nieces and nephews in South Africa.
My daughter can be difficult and moody as well as charming, and although I have supported them in every way over the years she has often been curt and inconsiderate.I know she is oblivious and not the easiest person to talk to and I love seeing the girls so keep quiet and accept the way she is.
Two years ago she was particularly unkind and I was so hurt I left and wrote her and her husband a letter trying to explain
how I felt. She hasn't spoken since and although I have exhausted every way to resolve this there is a wall of silence and I have had no contact with the girls.
I have confided in friends and coped, but this last year has been devastating especially as the focus has been on " family support seeing you through it"
Reading other accounts I see the pain inflicted by selfish parents using their children to punish ,and wish there was a way to switch off the constant thoughts which torment me.
I am a fit and active person but this is affecting my life and making me ill..any help on how to deal with this..Zander

I feel this is an episode of a book and we are missing more background

Well yes possibly, but this is as much as the OP feels able to share at the moment. And what has been shared certainly gives some insight into things that she might find helpful to think about! As some posters have helpfully suggested for her consideration!

Ated

I would just send a note saying that you'll always be there for her and the children and leave it at that. Look after yourself and let them sort their own mess out.

I sent her a birthday card telling her I love her, but it was sent back for mothers day ?

I would just send a note saying that you'll always be there for her and the children and leave it at that. Look after yourself and let them sort their own mess out.

Hithere

The accommodations that you were offered were not suitable for sure.

I feel this is an episode of a book and we are missing more background

Of course we arnt able to know everything, nor should we!
This is an open site remember,
And we arnt experts.

Thank you. You've put into words what I could not as to why I did everything I could to accommodate her. Despite everything I love her very much, but I no longer fear her. She's shown her hand so there is nothing left to be afraid of. However, what ever the outcome I will have much firmer boundaries

You are welcome. And it is good to hear that you are arranging further counselling support for yourself

Your daughter has obviously had a very difficult childhood, and it’s no wonder she has problems. But do you think she’s trying to punish you for it? Does she think you owe her? Is she testing you, making completely outrageous demands, to see if you love her enough to carry them out?
I understand your concern for your grandchildren, it must be such a worry for you, but as far as your daughter is concerned, I would put some space between you.

Madgran77

*I know others have said they understand why you did it, but I’m afraid I don’t, they have treated you like a modern day slave*

When in a situation with a person who is frightening and controlling it can be very easy to agree to things because of the fear and the worry about others etc. Alongside a desire to keep contact with the grandchildren, that is a powerful driver for what was agreed to despite, as you say, it being like a "modern day slave"!

I have to agree that your daughters behaviour is worryingly not normal LnPgma. I do think you should consider whether you find yourself behaving differently, responding differently, feeling frightened etc around your daughter. I do think that counselling to unpick this difficult situation, would help you

Thank you. You've put into words what I could not as to why I did everything I could to accommodate her. Despite everything I love her very much, but I no longer fear her. She's shown her hand so there is nothing left to be afraid of. However, what ever the outcome I will have much firmer boundaries.

This is a heartbreaking situation for you.

In my opinion you must look after your own physical and mental health...

Give it some time, then perhaps see how the land lies?

It is a horrible situation and my heart goes out to you.

Yes, this is a place to ask for and hopefully receive support LnPGma, we're all anonymous and I agree that sharing our experiences can in itself be therapeutic.

Hithere

OP,

I would seriously concentrate on your own healing and leave your daughter handle her own.

She is sadly the product of her environment where she had no chance to escape as she was a child (the victim in that situation)

I dont know if she would be happy knowing you discuss her issues (with personal information) with other people.
A person cannot be diagnosed by proxy and by 2nd hand information, that is terribly unethical and unprofessional.

You are right, she is the product of her environment, through no fault of her own and also the victim of all that was inflicted on her. It is hardly surprising that she is troubled. And whilst I may be discussing her issues here it is anonymous and this is, after all, a support group for such things.
Whilst a person cannot be diagnosed by proxy or second hand information, it was not a diagnosis it was a suggestion made by a professional (albeit recently retired) who has known us both all of our lives and who has always had our best interests at heart.
I am acutely aware that I can in no way influence whether or not she seeks help, or indeed any other choice she makes, I can, as a mother who loves her, hope that she chooses well with the best interests of her children at heart.
As I stated, I am looking to my own healing and making efforts to ensure that I am as well as I can be. Sometimes being able to speak anonymously, somewhere like this, to see ones (sometimes, even to me, hard to believe) story written down is the beginning of therapy

OP,

I would seriously concentrate on your own healing and leave your daughter handle her own.

She is sadly the product of her environment where she had no chance to escape as she was a child (the victim in that situation)

I dont know if she would be happy knowing you discuss her issues (with personal information) with other people.
A person cannot be diagnosed by proxy and by 2nd hand information, that is terribly unethical and unprofessional.

Hithere

It is truly unfair for you to judge her mothering skills given her childhood and abuse she went through.

Did she go to therapy to address that damage?

Have you?

Until this point I always considered her parenting skills to be wonderful. She has two beautiful, creative, clever, brave little girls. It is only over the last couple of years or so that I have not judged, but questioned her behaviour and choices, never her parenting. She had therapy on a number of occasions but refused to engage with it. I have recently spoke to a very close family friend who is a retired therapist, had he suggests that there is a possibility of a personality disorder. She needs help and until this episode I've always been able to be there when ever she asked.
I have also, many times, questioned my own parenting skills
Yes I have also had therapy to try and deal with the damage, and am in the process of arranging more.

It is truly unfair for you to judge her mothering skills given her childhood and abuse she went through.

Did she go to therapy to address that damage?

Have you?

I know others have said they understand why you did it, but I’m afraid I don’t, they have treated you like a modern day slave

When in a situation with a person who is frightening and controlling it can be very easy to agree to things because of the fear and the worry about others etc. Alongside a desire to keep contact with the grandchildren, that is a powerful driver for what was agreed to despite, as you say, it being like a "modern day slave"!

I have to agree that your daughters behaviour is worryingly not normal LnPgma. I do think you should consider whether you find yourself behaving differently, responding differently, feeling frightened etc around your daughter. I do think that counselling to unpick this difficult situation, would help you

Sara1954

I’ve just read your post again, and it seems you were in a truly horrible situation, I know others have said they understand why you did it, but I’m afraid I don’t, they have treated you like a modern day slave.
I’m sure you are worried about the children, who wouldn’t be? Maybe you could try to talk to their father privately, see what he thinks about it all. One thing is for certain, your daughters behaviour is not normal.

Tbh if I'd realised how it would turn out, I wouldn't have done it! However, I had, until this point, always been very much part of the children's lives and couldn't possibly have forgone the opportunity to continue.
Sadly there is no way I could speak to the father, they've closed ranks (along with his parents) and despite him having been on the receiving end of her behavior on previous occasions, he seems to believe every word she's said and has, within my sight, behaved in the same way she has

I’ve just read your post again, and it seems you were in a truly horrible situation, I know others have said they understand why you did it, but I’m afraid I don’t, they have treated you like a modern day slave.
I’m sure you are worried about the children, who wouldn’t be? Maybe you could try to talk to their father privately, see what he thinks about it all. One thing is for certain, your daughters behaviour is not normal.

Smileless2012

So it's your D who is control here not her partner LnPGma, I can understand why you did so much to facilitate her demands despite them being unreasonable.

You must be worried about your GC, especially as you are no unable to see them. I'm so sorry.

Her life has always been troubled, as has her brothers. Their father was abusive to us all and neglectful of the children, to the point where, until fairly recently, he totally rejected them. She had many emergency admissions to hospital, including intensive care, and developed tourettes syndrome in her mid teens. I've always done everything I can to be there, including choosing the kind of job where I can leave at a moments notice if she needs me, yet her frequent cry is "you are never there for me". I do wonder if this is really what she wants to say to her father.
I really do worry about my granddaughters. I've recently witnessed the way they are being cared for while their parents are at work and was horrified. She seems to put glitz, glamour and having a perfect house and a perfect image before everything.
It seems to be a recurring theme that if she doesn't get her own way she behaves violently to whom ever is in her way. I can only hope that one day it's not one of the children.
As I said, she's extremely attractive and charismatic so she can quite easily make people believe that she's the victim in all this, and that is just what she seems to have done, although there are some who know us both who have questioned it.
She is a very troubled young lady. I just hope that one day someone can get through to her and give her the help she needs

It sounds as though your daughter needs to seek psychological help. Why did she say you assaulted her? I too think there is more to this story than some of us are getting. Either way, a very usetting situation.