Gransnet forums


The lonliness and isolation of estrangement

(21 Posts)
Sparkling Sun 09-May-21 08:14:41

Through this last year, the isolation of no family has been so hard, you see people on tv travelling miles to press hands on the window, just to see loved ones, yet your own child is indifferent to you, worthless to them. If they can't make contact in a pandemic it really is too late to hope things could improve. Be kind to that neighbour or friend on their own.

CafeAuLait Sun 09-May-21 08:36:23

Hugs to you Sparkling.

Smileless2012 Mon 10-May-21 09:14:42

Sparklingflowers. Your post resonates with me and I'm sure everyone living with the pain of estrangement.

Anniebach Mon 10-May-21 09:22:00

Sparkling estrangement hurts so much , sending you a cwtch xxxx

Whiff Mon 10-May-21 10:05:26

Sparkling estrangement hurts. Unfortunately we can't just put a plaster on it and make it better. It's hard to understand why our adult children do what they have.

What my son has done bent my heart but didn't break it as that was broken when my husband died.

We just have to live our lives to the full. Life is to short to waste it on someone who doesn't want us. I suppose because I was widowed at 45 my view is different. I learnt to live the last 17 years without the love of my life.

Only because of Smiles and all of you I have got through the first year without my son and grandson's. And I can never thank you all enough.

I am an atheist but the only phrase I can think of covers how I feel is I count my blessings.

What's ifs are destructive found that out the hard way. Look and embrace the good things in your life. It's how I coped lossing my husband and how I am coping without my son and grandson's.

Sending you a big hug ?

Sparkling Mon 10-May-21 12:59:32

What lovely people you are, thank you. Whiff I think having a kind and loving heart is what brings us through many difficult times in our lives whether you have a faith or not, the trouble is hearts do get broken, a patch goes over it in time, but it never really heals to how it was before. I never thought I could carry on one day when my husband died, add to that a child writing you off it would be easy to give up, but you can’t because others love and need us as we do them, but like a shepherd always searches for the lost lamb., so do we.

Smileless2012 Mon 10-May-21 13:04:07

"but like a shepherd always searches for the lost lamb, so do we" that brought tears to me eyes Sparkling.

3nanny6 Mon 10-May-21 15:22:06

Sparkling : just like Smileless2012 has said your line about the
"shepherd and how we always search for the lost lamb, so do we" is so true and although our lives move forward because we have to go on the missing lamb is always at the back of our minds.

keepingquiet Mon 10-May-21 15:37:52

It is like missing a limb. When my sister emigrated in the days before we even had a telephone you had to wait weeks for a letter, that was how my mum described it.
Now I prefer to think my granddaughter lives on a remote island, a bit like Miranda in Shakespeare's Tempest.
One day she may find she has a family...and be delighted to meet us all.

Whiff Mon 10-May-21 15:58:25

Sparkling that's beautiful.

Keepingquiet love the Shakespeare reference I will hold on to that.

AGAA4 Mon 10-May-21 16:16:21

Having an estranged child or grandchild is so sad. You have all that love with nowhere for it to go flowers

faringdon59 Tue 11-May-21 14:07:18

I was estranged from my youngest adult son in 2019, from the August Bank Holiday until Christmas of that year. Very upsetting experience.
And we only reconnected then because I wrote to him and his new partner, basically apologizing for something I hadn't done, but it worked and we started communicating again.
From the start of the first lock down in March 2021 things between us improved, although the relationship with his new partner is like walking on eggshells constantly.
My other 2 sons don't speak to her at all.
Back in February I asked if he would be able to do some work in the garden for me, which I'm unable to do. Offered to pay him for his time, which he refused.
Since then he has become extra busy at work and as I suspected, what with work and family commitments (he has two daughters from his marriage which he sees every fortnight), that he hasn't got time to do this work.
Last week when I was driving locally I passed him in traffic twice in the same day. Waved at him both times, but when I mentioned this in conversation yesterday he said he hadn't seen me.
Said the only possible time he can do work now is if he comes round on Sunday when he has the girls. It was initially going to be during the week with one of his guys from work as he is self employed and i can't see him being able to do it in an afternoon anyway.
My instinct is telling me that we could easily slip back to no contact again.
Trying not to think about it currently.

Whiff Tue 11-May-21 14:33:37

faringdon59. Sorry but why did you apologise for something you hadn't done?

I haven't seen my son for a year . He sent me an awful email in May accusing me of things that were lies. He asked for time . So I decided in August to send him and his 2nd son birthday presents and cards plus presents for the new baby boy he had told me they where expecting July. He sent everything back all unopened with a vile letter.

I will never apologise to him in answer to the lies he has told. If I never see him or my grandson's ever again. So be it. This estrangement is down to him and my daughter in law.
I have done nothing to warrant he's treatment of me. He has cut all our side of the family out of his life.

By what you have said he is already distancing himself from you. Have you talked to your 2 son's about him ?

cannotbelieveiamaskingthis208 Tue 11-May-21 14:37:29

My sons are still college ageish. I worry all the time about something like the mentioned estrangements happening with them. It must be awful.

Whiff Tue 11-May-21 16:15:37

cannot don't worry about what ifs. Enjoy the now. What happened with my son came out of the blue. But I do know it would never have happened if my husband had lived.

I am lucky I have a wonderful daughter, son in law and 2 grandson's who have told me I will never lose them. I have family and friends who love and care for me.

Cherish what you have. None of us knows what the future holds. Especially with Covid and the variants.

My husband said live the best life you can and I do . You must do to.

Smileless2012 Tue 11-May-21 20:29:29

It must be so stressful walking on eggshells with your son's partner because you worry about being estranged again faringdon.

The fear of history repeating itself is why I think we're better off as we are. We could never have the relationship we once had with our ES because we could never trust him again.

It is awful cantbelieveiamaskingthis but don't spend time worrying about something that may never happen.

We haven't seen our son for more than 8 years, never had a relationship with our GC and like you Whiff, our estrangement is down to him and his wife and I haven't and would never apologise for the false accusation he has made.

I do understand why some EP's do so in a desperate attempt to restore the relationship and it can and does lead to reconciliation as it has done for faringdon but it's a road I would never go down.

tickingbird Tue 11-May-21 20:53:39

faringdon Regarding the work, I don’t think it was a good idea to ask. The relationship is obviously on very fragile ground and it sounds as if he doesn’t want to be bothered. As you offered to pay him, why not just pay someone else to do it?

Sometimes we just have to accept that our AS or AD’s aren’t what we would like them to be. Some have great relationships with their children until their dying day, others are treated poorly. Enjoy your other sons and don’t expect much from this one and then you won’t be disappointed.

I feel for all of you experiencing the hurt and rejection of AC. I’ve had it myself but I’ve accepted it and try and live my life but it does hurt.

Sparkling Wed 12-May-21 07:13:50

Farringdon, I dont understand why you would ask your son to do work for you. Pay someone else. I could see how his partner might object to this, that really isn't fair. You say he has his children of a Sunday, your grandchildren, wouldn't you rather see them the odd hour. If I couldn't afford to pay someone to do jobs, they would stay undone, or try to do it myself even a tiny bit at a time. You need to view this from his position.

Unwanted Wed 12-May-21 11:17:49

I just found your posts and it made me feel slightly better to know that l am not the only one who feels that this pandemic hasn't shown our EC that life is short and you don't know what life is going to throw at us but still they continue to stay away. Every time l hear "I can't wait to hug..." I think l don't have anyone to hug once we are able to do this and l feel sad because my life is not what l thought it would be and there is just myself and my OH now and that is how life is going to be until we die l guess. I hope that one day all your EC come back to you and give you the hug you deserve.

EilaRose Wed 12-May-21 12:05:44

Add me to the list with EC/AC too! Unfortunately both AC have headed down the same path, who knows why? Their respective spouses are so much alike they should all live together. Worst part is the GC, I can't imagine how much their minds have been poisoned. No arguments with either AC, they just faded away...AD left in early 1993, AS 8 yrs ago.

AS and his NW (narc wife) moved house and I guess they still live in the general area as they stalk me on a regular basis. A couple of years ago I was walking in a shopping centre and got this creepy feeling that someone was following me. So as I turned a corner to the next lot of stores, I did an about face and just stood there waiting....whoa!! who should come around the corner not expecting me to be standing there and who had red faces?? AS and NW!

They moved house around 7 or so years ago and I don't have a clue where they live which is difficult because I want to sell my house (due to the ongoing stalking) but I could buy next door to them without knowing, so I'll stay here for a bit longer. Unfortunately, they have changed cars so they could be stalking me more than ever, but there is no way for me to know.

Whiff put it perfectly, my heart has been bent too, but why? I know I will die wondering as they won't even talk, let alone have a discussion in the hope we can come to some agreement. My door is always open but I refuse to be a doormat for them to trample.

Smileless2012 Wed 12-May-21 14:08:19

Unwanted it does help to know that you're not alone which is why the estrangement forum IMO is so important.

I feel the same way, our DS is in Aus. so goodness knows when we'll be able to hug and our ES is father to our only GC so when I see GP's talking about looking forward to being able to hug their GC, it does intensify the lossflowers.

Why on earth are they stalking you EilaRose, isn't it bad enough that they want nothing to do with you and have deprived their children of a GM!!angry.

You may be able to find out where they live by looking on the electoral role and know where to avoid if and when you decide to moveflowers.