SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Yes I realised that DerbyshireLass, it just made me think about the times I've thought it wasn't worth it.

Saying that your grief for your husband is "pure" is lovely and makes perfect sense.

I think you are moving forward, slowly but surely which is the best way. Renting before you buy is a good idea especially if it's somewhere new. You can always leave some things in storage so when it comes to leaving rented accommodation, there's not so much to pack.

Elless perhaps you're right and it's something in the air. Cry your tears, let them flow. Mr. S. was out for about an hour this morning so that's what I did. It's not that I can't or wont cry when he's here, it's just that sometimes I don't want too. I want to be on my own; don't know why.

Whiff. Thanks I'll take a look at the moving thread. I looked on Rightmove this Mornjng. I do look from time to time.

I think I may well rent for a while, before committing to a purchase, I know it means moving twice but I think it's easier than trying to co-ordinate buying and selling simultaneously. Apart from which if I do move to a different area I would like to "try before I buy".

Plus if I do buy a fixer upper, I could do with a couple of months in a rental whilst I get the worst of the work done. This time I lived "on site" as it were - just as I have always done when renovating. But I have sworn not to do that again......I'm getting too old now to rough it, I need my creature comforts. ?

Oh dear .....sorry to hear that both of you are having such a bad day. I must confess I don't feel full of the joys today, but I think it's more to do with tiredness and my wretched lurgy.

smiles.....the better to have loved and lost quote was aimed at losing my husband, not the issues with my son.

The thing about my grief for my husband is that it's "pure", not complicated by other emotions such as anger or guilt. So I suppose that's what makes it easier to deal with. My husband gave me nothing but joy and happiness and it is those happy memories which sustain me.

However, as I said earlier this Morning, I am fully aware that I do need to move forward now. I can't keep dwelling in the past. He would want me to start living again,

Elless.....I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.......words can be so inadequate at times. So please accept a virtual hug. ❤️❤️

Smiles and Elless sorry you are both having such a bad day. We all have days like that. I just cry ,scream and shout just to get it out of my system. No point in trying to bottle those feelings up they only make you feel worse if you do. So for me it's better to let them out and it's done with until the next time I feel like it.

Hope as they day wears on you both feel better. ??

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day Smiles. It must be in the air I was awake until 3 am, my mind churning things over and this morning I can't stop crying, hate days like this. Literally feel suicidal.

Yes, I'd do jail time too DerbyshireLass. "Crestfallen" that sums it up perfectly and it breaks your heart doesn't it.

"it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Oh I don't know. God forgive me I sometimes think that despite loving him still, and the wonderful memories of his first 27 years, it wasn't worth it. The pain, the loss of him is still, on a bad day, too much.

Today is a bad day.

DerbyshireLass moving was the best thing I have done for a very long. But apart from my husband dieing the most stressful and upsetting. It was a nightmare . I recommend you read Help calm me buying and selling stress thread on house and home forum. Its what saved me from despair when my house sale fell through the second time. I joined the thread in March 2019 a year after I put my house on the market. You will need to read some of the older parts as there aren't that many posting regularly on it . I post occasionally but read it everyday. It was originally started by Craftyone but continued by Spice101.

There is a lot of helpful information and you will get support and help if you post on the thread.

I am lucky my daughter in law never spoke down or unkindly to my son while I was with them. They do love eachother very much. That has always very evident so I don't have any worries in that respect. Also both are hard working and made a lovely home. The children are their world. So I have no worries about my grandson's .

Her rudeness was towards me and she made snide remarks about my daughter but I never bite. There was no point. Like I said it's only been since I moved I saw both my children and grandson's regularly. Because of living over 100 miles away only saw them every few months.

I don't think she likes me living 40 mins from them. But that's her problem not mine.

I love it here. It's dry today and spent a hour getting up leaves and lining my greenhouse with extra fleece to protect my strawberry plants. It's just an experiment to see if they survive. If not just buy new plants next year . It's very cold out though.

A friend of mine in the Midlands is having new windows put in her house today and tomorrow. Hopefully it stays dry.

Hope all those of you are feeling poorly at the moment feel better soon. ?

Oh Smiles.....this is what hurts me so much too. The way my DIL speaks to me son sometimes is shocking. He looks so crestfallen and embarrassed, I cringe. I have to really bite my tongue.

And like you my biggest fear is that so often verbal abuse does escalate into physical violence.......if it did I would happily do jail time.

Spring not pring. Lol.

I shall pass that on to Mr. S. Whiff. He gets away with far too much in part because of his cheeky grin which makes his lovely blue eyes sparkle.

We are so lucky to have experienced the love and marriage that we have. My biggest sadness for our ES is that being married to the woman his is, I doubt that's something he'll ever know.

Well before the estrangement, I witnessed little put downs, things said that made him uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed. Those times made me aware of just how much self control I had, that I didn't tear into her for hurting him.

I'd be left with a sense of guilt for not defending him, even though to have done so would have been wrong and would have only drawn attention to it, which would have made it worse for him.

We know she controls and manipulates him and even now after 9 years, if I ever discovered that her behaviour was physical, if I ever found out she'd harmed him physically, there's no power in heaven or on earth that would protect her from my wrath.

Well it's our turn for the rain this Morning, soggy, cold and miserable out there. Forecast says it will brighten up later.

I don't mind rain it's the dark gloomy skies I find so depressing. Saps my energy levels. I do have one of those SAD lamps. Never really used it might dig it out later, see if it helps lift my energy levels a bit, Had a dreadful night, awake since 3.00 am. I'll definitely need a nap later. I feel drained.

Your post wasnt gloomy at all, Whiff. It's nice to reminisce about our loved ones sometimes. I wish my sons would talk about their father sometimes but they are typical blokes, they just don't.

Hugs I agree with Whiff.....enjoy what you have now, don't fret about the future, you can't change it anyway. Don't Neglect the present by worrying about what may or may not happen further down the line.

I had a very happy marriage, we were together for 34 glorious years. Yes I'm miss him but I thank my lucky stars for all the wonderful years we had together. Yes the last few years were difficult when he was so ill but the good times far outweigh the bad. We had a ball. Shakespeare got it right.....it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I wouldn't have missed those years for the world.

Allsorts.....I watched that you tube Video too, thanks for the link. Read some of the comments too.....my goodness but estrangement does seem to be reaching epidemic proportions.

I watched a film called "Otherwood" last night. About 3 mothers whose sons had more or less ignored them on Mothers Day. The mothers got together and decided to visit their sons in New York. Yes it was a comedy and there were some funny moments and of course a happy Hollywood ending but it did examine the issues surrounding estrangement and strained relationships between mothers and sons. It was well done. There was no bias and you got to saw everyone's point of view.

I could definitely relate to the mother who was a widow and who was struggling to overcome grief and move forward.

I definitely think that I need to move house, make a fresh start and build a different kind of life to the one I have now. No idea how it will all pan out but I just know I need to make some changes. I had initially planned to make my move in 2023 but I think I might bring that forward to next year. I might have a big push and see if I can aim to get this place ready to pit it on the market in the pring.

It will give me a focus for the winter, stop me drifting and feeling sorry for myself, ?

Allsorts just watched that you tube. It was very good. Thank you for pointing it out.

Tell Mr S to behaviour or Father Christmas won't be coming to him this year. I have heard your speaking voice and that was lovely your singing voice must sound even better.

Hugshelp don't fear losing your husband enjoy every minute with him good and bad.

I hate ironing and after he died really missed ironing his 7 shirts a week. Also haven't had an argument with anyone since he died. We started arguing about a month after courting. Always over something stupid but making up was always fun. I think he wound me up so we made up in bed. ?. He could make you believe black was white.

He was a strong ,loyal loving man. But not when he came to his parents but I loved him all the more for that. He would never give up on them no matter what they said and did. He hated me having to go into hospital he was like a bear with a sore head.

This is the sort of man he was in 1992 I had to spend a week in the neurological and neurosurgical hospital in London. He had to be a work for 6am finished at 5pm and drove down to London to see me and them back home. I told him not to but he insisted he had to see me. Because he traveled so far it was always near the end of visiting when he came so the nurses and patients were happy for him to stay for over a hour. He made everyone laugh. It was a ward with 4 beds and the other patients where quite poorly. I was there for tests. That was the type of man he was and that's why he is my one and only.

But I was lucky to be so loved and cherished. My grief will never end but some people never find their other half of themselves. Never know that kind of love their whole lives. Our time was cut short but we had a ball living what time we had together.

Because of him that's why I can cope with what our son has done. Because losing him is far worse than anything my son and daughter in law could ever do to me.

My brother payment me the greatest compliment when he met his 3rd wife he said he finally has what we had. I told him finally he found someone else for me to love. And it was about time.

Hope this hasn't come across as gloomy because I am writing with a smile on my face. Remembering all the idiotic things my husband did.

Hugshelp did your solicitor tell you your will can be contested up to 2 years after you die. I didn't just
thought you made your will and that was it.

Will watch that you tube video Allsorts.

If anyone needs a laugh there is a thread on chat forum 'lost in translation . ' It made me laugh.

Hopefully it won't rain today fed up with the rain. Exercise class this afternoon so will be working out and laughing for a hour then tea and biscuits.
?

Yes it is hugshelp but it has to be done.

I've just got back from my first session with a new choir I've joined. The choir master said I did very well, he could hear me, my voice is strong and sweet.

I told him Mr. S. would agree with strong but probably wouldn't believe it's sweet.

I agree with your sentiments whiff and smiles. Losing an adult child who chooses to walk away is really hard, but losing my husband is my greatest fear. I am so sorry for your loss whiff.

Hope you feel better soon Derbyshirelass.

Currently sorting out getting a will done. My word it's a pain when one of your kids is estranged.

Exactly Elless I nagged out of love. Good grief that must have been a shock as well as very painful.

Thanks Whiff, what a lovely thing to say.

I'll take a look at that Allsorts if we do, can we claim a divorce settlement? Re coup some of our financial loses!!

I dint know whether the UTube video I watched this morning might be of interest, it was Sixty and Me, Divorcing your adult children. I found it very good.

DerbyshireLass take care and get well soon. I am not good at doing nothing. Even watching the TV I am cross stitching. Can't when it is in a foreign language so I watch those having my dinner. Then back to something in English.

When I was decluttering ready for my house move I set myself a target each day and when I was packing I made sure I packed 2 boxes a day.

Hope you do have your nap. I envy you the sunshine as we have had rain all day again. Last night the garden was white with hail.

Hope you are improving Elless and being pampered by your husband. You were brave going into your loft . I lived in our last house 34 years and never went into the loft. Did your fall leave lasting damage to your back?

Smiles you deserve every minute with Mr S. Love hearing what you pair have been up to.

See what I mean - we automatically go into caring mode, it's built in, looking out for each other. Today's generation will not know this and it's a shame.
You brought flashbacks for me Smiles, I fell out of the loft at 8 months pregnant, landed smack on my coccyx and bent the ladder and that was because I was being considerate because DH has asthma and I didn't want him going up to get the Christmas tree.
Don't over do it Derbyshire it will take you longer to get over the cold.

OK I'll accept that you weren't putting yourself at risk

Well that's me told off, good and proper. ?

Actually it's not as bad as it sounds, no ladders required. It's a chalet bungalow and the loft space and adjoining bedroom have a proper staircase. Perfectly safe and easy to access.

Tbh I'm not much good at doing nowt. I like to be up and pottering about. . Even if it's just an hour or so. I have finished for the day now though. Just a simple supper.

Curl up on the sofa with my heated sofa throw......snug as a bug in a rug. ?

You've been sorting out the loft you should be taking it easy until you've fully recovered DerbyshireLass. Even an hour is too much when you're feeling unwell.

What if you'd had a dizzy spell or something when you were going up too or coming down from the loft?

OK nagging session over. Enjoy your ice cream and your nap.

Sitting outside in the sun. Wrapped in blankets. Eating ice cream. It’s not a bad life really?. Soaking up some lovely vitamin D. Sun feels lovely. Don’t suppose there will be many more chances this year.

Have just spent a couple of hours sorting out the loft. Had to abandon it. Exhausted now. Definitely running a temperature - the slightest exertion has me running with sweat and brings on a coughing fit. Still at least I’ve made a start up there.

I gave it what a call my hr a day rule. Whenever I’m faced with a big job or unpleasant task instead of feeling overwhelmed I just give it an hr a day until it’s done. Sometimes longer if I’m up to it but never less than an hr.

You can do a lot in an hr. and I always feel better for it. A sense of achievement.

Might need a nap soon. ??

Losing our son has been the greatest loss in my life but I still have Mr. S. and cannot begin to imagine what losing him would do to me x

Smiles that's how I feel about my husband. But not my son. I lost half of me when my husband died and that half is still missing and always will be. But I treasure the time we did have all be it was cruelly and painfully cut short.

The loss of a cherished husband's far out ways the lose of an estranged child.

My son is still alive and choose to throw me away. My husband did not choose to die.

Unfortunately life is cruel and unfair.
But life is well worth living to the full and enjoy every minute . As none of us know how long we will live .